Abuela Crimbo's Cottage (2022)

This content has been retired and is no longer available in game.

Abuela Crimbo's Cottage appeared in Crimbo Town (2022) during Crimbo 2022.

Starting December 14, 2022:

• First visit:

You peek in the door to Abuela Crimbo's cabin, and find Abuela standing over a large table with a model railroad laid out on it. Tammy is at the other side of the table, standing on a stack of old phone books, watching the little train circle the table with a worried expression. (Tammy is the one with the worried expression, not the train. The train does not have a face, thank god. Or maybe it does, I haven't seen the art, but hopefully it does not.)

For any of you who might be new: Abuela Crimbo is a granny of the burly, kindly but no-nonsense, corncob pipe variety, who has been the mythological being in charge of Crimbo ever since a frankly ridiculous and over-elaborate string of events removed Uncle Crimbo from the universe some years ago; Tammy is her administrative assistant -- a small blond elf who used to be mainly in charge of waving a tambourine around excitedly. She still has the tambourine, but appears to have modified it into a clipboard.

"<playername>!" Tammy hops down from her stack of phone books and runs over to give you a hug. "I'm so glad you're here! We've got a real problem!"

"Ah jeez. We're right into it, huh?" you ask. "No slow build-up this time?"

"Not this time, kiddo," Abuela says, tapping her pipe into an ashtray and refilling it. "Come have a look at this."

You step over to the table and help Tammy back up onto her phone books. The model train layout is a pretty accurate replica of Crimbo Town, with the circular train track around it that you, presumably, noticed on your way here. "Is something wrong with the train?" you ask. "That seems like the main new thing around here."

"That's real genre-savvy of you, good job," Abuela says. "We built the Crimbo Train both for transporting elves around the different parts of Crimbo Town, and for automating deliveries to and from the factories and so forth. But wouldn't you know it, the dang robots have gone haywire. They've locked the train down, and all the elves that were on it are trapped. They're been stuck on there for weeks, and it only takes forty-eight hours without candy before those little fellas resort to canniba--"

"One second," you say. "These Crimbo Train robots -- they don't have synthetic human skin and dead-eyed expressions and voices like Tom Hanks, do they?"

"Good gracious, no!" Tammy exclaims. "That would be horrible!"

"Yeah, no, I'd never stand for that," Abuela scowls. "These are real regular-style robots."

"Okay, whew, in that case I'm in," you say. "Is there a plan? How am I even going to get onboard a speeding train?"

"That's actually the easy part!" Tammy says, shaking her tambourine, for emphasis on how easy it is, I guess. "The train has one of those old-fashioned hooks that automatically snags any mail bags that are hung out at each station. So we just have to disguise you as a mail bag!"

"...Do I actually need a disguise? Can't I just grab the arm as the train goes past?"

"Well, yes... I guess that would work..." Tammy gets the downcast expression of someone who was really excited about making you a mail bag costume, but you give her a pat on the head and she brightens up.

Abuela draws grimly on her pipe. "Like Tammy said, though, that's the easy part. Once you're on board, you'll have to fight your way from the caboose to the engine. The carriage doors will probably be locked -- fortunately, we've managed to get in touch with some hacker elves that are on the train--"

"I waved a big sign at them as the train went past!" Tammy says.

"--and they're working on figuring out the door codes. In the meantime, you'll be fighting robots. Unfortunately, that train is a real tight ship, so to speak. Most of your adventurer tricks aren't gonna work."

"My 'adventurer tricks'?"

"Banishing, sneaking, loot drop bonuses -- that sort of thing."

"Ah. Nuts."

"Don't worry!" Tammy says, rattling her tambourine again. "We're gonna make some fancy equipment to help you! Just, y'know, it might take some time."

"Okay. Well, guess I'd better get to it, then," you say.

Abuela nods. "Right. We'll get started on things here. Good luck, kiddo."

New Area Unlocked

Crimbo Train (Caboose), in Crimbo Town.

• Subsequent visits:

Abuela Crimbo is busy <random task>, while Tammy <random task>.

• Abuela's tasks include:
  • baking gingerbread men with little train conductor hats
  • cleaning her corncob pipe with one of those fuzzy wire arts and crafts things
  • examining train blueprints
  • reading train engineer manuals
  • scowling at a robot warranty card
  • welding together some scrap metal
• Tammy's tasks include:
  • loads Ferrero Rochers into a huge shotgun
  • mixes some red and green fluids in an elaborate chemistry set.
  • paints some little elf figurines for the train set
  • snores cutely under an old railway timetable
  • tunes the bells on her tambourine with a tiny mallet
  • whittles a candycane into a little train whistle, "toot-toot!"

Starting December 16, 2022:

You knock on Abuela Crimbo's door and poke your head in. "Any news?"

Abuela nods. "Yep. Not sure if the train's running out of coal, or if they're just lightening their load, or what, but a bunch of burning paper blew out of the train's smokestack this morning. Tammy collected a bunch of it, turned out to be training manuals. Guess there were a few cases of them onboard."

"Training manuals?"

"Yeah, you know!" Tammy pipes up. "When you do something on a train, that's training, right? Manuals for that."

"Couldn't get enough pages to compile a whole copy," Abuela says, "but we got a chapter of it, at least. Might come in handy."

Tammy hands you a sheaf of scorched and blacked pages, stapled into a piece of bright green construction paper with a picture of a train in red glitter. "I made the cover!" she says, shaking her tambourine excitedly.

You acquire an item: Crimbo training manual

Starting December 17, 2022:

"Oh! <playername>! Come here, come here!" Tammy squeals as you enter the cabin. "I figured something out!"

"What's up, Tammy?"

She holds up a big schematic of one of the train robots, which she's annotated with red and green crayons. "Okay! Okay, so, you've been beating up robots and collecting their parts, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"But it would be nicer if you could get more parts out of each robot you beat up, right?"

"Yes, more loot is better, in every circumstance, always."

"Right! Okay, see how this diagram has these little circles? Here and here and here and--"

"I see them, yes. What are they?"

"Those are the rivets that hold the robots together! And they're made of peppermints!"

"...Peppermints? The robots are assembled with peppermint candy rivets?"

"Yeah! I was gonna make you a peppermint bolt cutter to break them with, but honestly, whatever weapon you want to use would probably do the trick just as well."

Piles of Trainbot parts now yield an additional item

Starting December 18, 2022:

"Hi, <playername>!" Tammy says, excitedly. I probably don't really need to write 'excitedly', because that's basically her default emotion. Just assume she says everything excitedly, and I'll mention it if she ever emotes anything else.

"Hi, Tammy," you say. "Any news?"

"Yeah, I think they got the door open to the passenger car! When the train went by this morning, there was an elf looking out the window and he yelled 'HELP HELP HELP!' and I waited for the train to come around again and I yelled 'HEY DID YOU GET THE DOOR TO THE PASSENGER CAR OPEN YET?' and then when the train came around again he yelled 'YEAH WE DID HELP HELP HELP!' and next time the train came around I was like 'THANKS GOOD JOB!' and I gave him a thumbs-up and then the next time the train came around he gave me a thumbs-up back and yelled 'HELP HELP HELP!' again."

"Okay, great."

New Area Unlocked

Crimbo Train (Passenger Car), in Crimbo Town.

Starting December 19, 2022:

As you enter Abuela Crimbo's cabin, she's lifting up her welding mask (it's red with a white pompom on top) and critically eyeing a U-shaped metal object. "Ah, good timing," she says with a nod at you, as she picks up a file and knocks a couple of burrs off the corners of the thing.

"What're you making?"

"A magnet." She flips a switch on the back of it, and a nearby screwdriver flies into it with a whang! She pulls the screwdriver off and tosses the magnet to you. "Figured it would help you collect more robot parts."

"Neat! Thanks, Abuela!"

She puts the welding mask down on her workbench and lights her pipe. "Make sure you're getting full use outta that stuff. When Crimbo Town leaves at the end of the year, those parts won't be as effective, so there's no sense in hoarding 'em."

You acquire an item: Abuela Crimbo's special magnet

Starting December 20, 2022:

Tammy runs up to you are you approach Abuela's cabin. "<playername>, look! Look!" She holds up a bread roll.

"A bread roll? Is this a magic +item drops bread roll, or..."

"No, silly! It's just a bread roll! An elf threw it out of the train window at me!"

"Seems rude. And wasteful."

"It's from the dining car! It means they managed to get the door to the dining car open!"

"Ohhh, I get it. Well, great! Maybe now the elves won't have to eat each other."

"Well, they might anyway, just with wine and side dishes. Elves don't handle stress well."

New Area Unlocked

Crimbo Train (Dining Car), in Crimbo Town.

Starting December 21, 2022:

When you arrive at the cottage, Abuela is sweeping the front porch. Tammy is sitting in Abuela's big rocking chair, kicking her li'l dangling legs, it looks just as cute as you're imagining it. "Hi, <playername>!"

"Hi Tammy, hi Abuela. Anything new today?"

Abuela shakes her head. "Nope. Was hopin' they'd have the door to the coal car open today, but it doesn't sound like it."

"Unless 'AHHH HELP US AHHHH' is a special hacker elf code?" Tammy muses, one finger dimpling her chin in thought. "Probably not, though."

"Hmm, okay. Guess I'll go beat up some more robots, then."

"You can do it!" Tammy cheers. "We believe in you!!"

Starting December 22, 2022:

When you arrive at the cottage, Tammy is playing with the model train set as Abuela Crimbo bustles around in the kitchen.

"Morning, Tammy," you say. "Or afternoon or whatever it is. Did you get a new hat? It's... extremely sparkly."

"It's diamonds!" Tammy says, shaking her tambourine for emphasis. "One of the elves threw a bunch of them out of the train window at me, so I glued them to my hat! Aren't they festive??"

"They threw diamonds at you? Does the train have a diamonds car?"

"No, they're from the coal car! Since diamonds are so much more compact than coal, the train has a big diamond stockpile instead. Plus one of those dwarven vacuum machines to turn them back into coal as needed. That's why we can't just wait for the train to run out of fuel -- it could probably run for years and years without stopping, with the amount of diamonds they've got!"

"Huh. ...Oh, wait, does that mean they've unlocked the coal car?"

"OH! Yeah! Yeah, it probably does!!"

New Area Unlocked

Crimbo Train (Coal Car), in Crimbo Town.

Starting December 23, 2022:

Abuela Crimbo's cottage smells really good -- she's getting started on the Crimbo cookies, apparently. Tammy is busy hanging tinsel on every available surface.

"Hiya, <playername>! How's it going with the train?"

"Well, fine I guess," you say. "How many more cars are there?"

"Just one! Just the engine, or locomotive, or umm conductor's cabin? Front office? Crow's nest?"

"Crow's nest is something different, I think."

"Well, you know! The room at the front where the boss lives."

"Oh jeez, is there gonna be a boss fight?"

"Probably! I mean, there isn't one every year, but the structure of it this year seems real boss-orientated, wouldn't you say? Real linear path of advancement. Plus there's just gotta be some kind of robot driving the train that has to be shut down, right?"

"Hmm, yeah, that makes sense."

"Better see how many more elves you can save today! Who knows, when you kill the boss robot tomorrow, the whole train might explode, so this might be your last chance!"

"..."

Starting December 24, 2022:

Tammy's train set has been packed away, it appears -- Abuela Crimbo has taken over the table to decorate Crimbo cookies. "I reckon the elves have got the last door open," she says, and whaps your knuckles with a wooden spoon. "You pull that hand back -- these are for tomorrow."

"Ow," you say. "...Okay, so I just have to go beat the boss robot thing?"

"That oughta do it, yep. Without it running the automated systems -- the coal burners and so on -- the train should lose momentum and stop on its own. Then we'll be able to get the last of the elves off of there."

"That sounds like a plan -- ow! Oh come on, Tammy has one!"

"Mmmf!" Tammy agrees, with a cookie sticking halfway out of her mouth.

"That was to keep her quiet, and you'll notice I've had to tie her to the chair with tinsel as well. You, on the other hand, have got a job to do, so you better get on your way."

New Area Unlocked

Crimbo Train (Locomotive), in Crimbo Town.

After defeating the Superconductor:

"I did it!" you announce as you enter Abuela's cottage. "I defeated the final robot guy!"

"Oh my gosh! Hooray!" Tammy hops up and down, rattling her tambourine. "I'd better go organize a triage squad and stuff!" She gives you a big hug and races out the door.

"Good job, <playername>," Abuela Crimbo says, nodding. "Knew I could count on you."

"Can... Can I have a cookie now?" you ask.

"All right, I suppose you've earned it. I ain't making a unique item for it though, so you'll have to eat it right here in this conversation. I'll send your real reward in the mail like usual."

"Thanks, Abuela! Happy Crimbo!"

You eat the cookie, and it's delicious. Congratulations, you saved Crimbo once again!

After the fight, the letter that Abuela Crimbo mails you reads:

Merry Crimbo, <playername>!

After dealing with all of that robot nonsense, I'll bet you'd like to stop thinking about trains for a while. Well, too bad! I already made all of these, and it's too late to change it.

Cheers!

Abuela Crimbo

You acquire an item: train whistle