Axe Wound (monster)

Axe Wound
Monster ID	543
Locations	The Hole in the Sky
Hit Points	150
Attack	163
Defense	146
No-Hit	173
Initiative	70
Meat	None
Phylum	constellation
Elements	sleaze
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	bloody bits, fleshy bits, star
Drops line, line, star
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting The Axe Wound

The Astronomers of old spent a lot of time thinking about this particular constellation, when they weren't drawing crude naughty pictures on the walls of their observatories' bathroom stalls. Some astronomers call this constellation "The Lightning Bolt," but they're the kind of astronomer that never gets invited to any of the cool parties.

Hit Message(s):

It doesn't attack you, but you suddenly realize that you're in the cold vacuum of space! You get hypothermia. Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

It pokes you with one of its ends, which turns out to be a red-hot red dwarf star. It's smegging hot! Argh! Eek! Ooh! Ooh! Oof! Eek! (hot damage)

It bleeds on you. That wouldn't hurt, ordinarily, but constellation blood is actually super-heated gas. Ooh! Argh! Eek! Argh! Eek! Ouch! (hot damage)

You fall into the wound. It's like falling into the gap, but with less khaki and more pain. Oof! Argh! Eek! Oof! Ugh! Ooh!

Critical Hit Message:

The wound sits there, passively. Suddenly, a constellation in the shape of a giant axe streaks across the sky and lodges itself deeply in your <ear>! Great, now you'll be thinkin' about your axe wound. Argh! Ooh! Oof! Ouch!

Miss Message(s):

It tries to bleed on you, but you step back and let it bleed elsewhere.

You almost fall into the wound, but pull yourself back from the edge of the abyss.

It tries to poke you with one of its ends, but since that particular star is a red dwarf, it's not hot any more. That was some good smegging luck.

It tries to attack you, but it can't really effectively attack, being a constellation shaped like a wound and all.

Fumble Message:

The wound sits there, passively, like most wounds do. You're not really sure how it's going to manage to attack you at all. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You acquire an item: star (30% chance)*

You acquire an item: line (30% chance)*

You acquire an item: line (30% chance)*

You gain 40.75 <substat>.

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Occurs at The Hole in the Sky.

References

• This constellation's description, and the critical message, refer to the "Hedgehogs" song and web animation created by Joel Veitch on his website rathergood.com. The song features the lyrics "Woah baby I'm thinking about your axe wound." Jick has played this song several times on his radio shows.
• The "red dwarf star" attack messages are an homage to the British sci-fi comedy TV/book series Red Dwarf, made further evident by the use of the word "smegging" as an expletive.
• The "bleeding" is a double sense reference of the blood coming out from a wound and the menstrual cycle.
• "Let it Bleed" is a 1969 Rolling Stones album.
• The name of this monster is a reference to female genitalia, like all alternate Constellations.
• The line "but they're the kind of astronomer that never gets invited to any of the cool parties" is a reference to a description of certain scientists in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
• "It's like falling into the gap, but with less khaki" refers to the clothing retailer, The Gap, and its slogan, "Fall into the Gap."