Azazel's Temple
Azazel's Temple is located in Pandamonium
- If you visit before you have obtained Azazel's items:
You walk up to Azazel's temple. Azazel hovers over a giant obsidian throne, a blur of swirling and flickering glaring eyes and sharp, sharp teeth.
"I heard that you might have recovered the talismans of my evil power," he says, his voice rumbling and whispering like a stampede of librarians. "Show me what you've got."
You do a few funky dance moves, then realize that's not what he was talking about.
"Fool!" Azazel screams. "Your quest is not yet complete. Get out of here before I use your entrails for garland on my Crimbo tree, and your skin for a throw rug."
You scurry out of the throne room while your insides are still in and your outsides are still out.
- If you visit with all three items:
You enter Azazel's temple. Azazel hovers over a giant obsidian throne, a blur of swirling and flickering glaring eyes and sharp, sharp teeth.
"I heard that you might have recovered the talismans of my evil power," he says, his voice rumbling and whispering like a stampede of librarians. "Show me what you've got."
"Talismans of evil power?" you say, incredulously. You pull out the purple plush unicorn, the bright, rainbow-colored lollipop, and the frilly pink tutu and lay them in front of him.
"You clearly don't understand the nature of evil," Azazel says, then addresses the stuffed unicorn. "Are you okay, Snookums? Did the bad demons hurt you? It's okay, you're safe with me now." He stops, realizes you're still there, and gruffly shouts "leave me to contemplate my evil plans!"
"Um," you say, "there was a reward, right? I mean, if not a reward for returning your dolly, your lolly, and your lacy underthings, at least a reward for not telling anybody."
"You dare to threaten the third most evil demon in Hey Deze?" Azazel shouts. "Very well, then, I shall give you your reward. Bear in mind that the rewards of Hey Deze are likely to be less than agreeable to a mortal weakling like yourself --" he pauses and chuckles evilly, then continues:
- If you already have your steel item or organ
"I sense that we've been here before, and I have nothing left to give you."
- If you are not on a Teetotaler, Avatar of Boris, Zombie Slayer or Oxygenarian path
 | You acquire an item: steel margarita |
- If you are on a Teetotaler, Avatar of Boris or Zombie Slayer path
 | You acquire an item: steel lasagna |
- If you are on an Oxygenarian path
 | You acquire an item: steel-scented air freshener |
You decide to get the Hey Deze out of Azazel's temple before he gives you any further "rewards".
- If you visit after you have obtained your Organ of Steel:
"You creep back into Azazel's temple. To your surprise, the obsidian throne is empty. You hear a girlish giggle coming from behind the throne, and sneak back to investigate.
You see Azazel with the tutu somehow hovering around his dimensional-rift body, with the sucker stuck in one of his many fanged maws, levitating the unicorn in the air to make it dance. "Dum de dum dum, I'm a pretty pony, tee hee he!" he laughs. Then he spots you.
"Uh. I was just. . . " you say.
"FOOL!" Azazel shrieks. "You have interrupted a most dire and unspeakable ritual! Get out of here before I give you the gift of hindsight by twisting your head around 180 degrees!"
You decide to watch your ass metaphorically by running away before you're forced to do it literally."
References
- 'Azazel' is the English version of the Hebrew word commonly translated 'scapegoat' in Leviticus 16:8–10.
- Azazel referring to himself as the "third most evil" is a reference to the SNES game Earthbound, where you fight five different giant moles, each of whom refers to himself as the third most powerful.
