Cold hobo

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Cold hobo
Monster ID 690
Locations Exposure Esplanade
Hit Points 500
Attack 350
Defense 315
No-Hit 360
Initiative 100
Meat None
Phylum hobo
Elements cold
Resistance  ?
Monster Parts arm, head, leg, torso
Blizzards I Have Died In, freezin' bindle, frigid air mattress, hobo nickel, Maxing, Relaxing
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
Cold hobo You're fighting Ice-Covered Conway Underwood, the World's Most Violent Eskimo

A snowball lands at your feet with a resounding paffff. You look up and see a hobo busily making snowballs on the roof of a nearby building. "Get this chip out of my head!" he says, and lobs another snowball.

"What?" you say, dodging.

"I said get this here alien technology out of my skull! You think that just because you work the concessions, you're a grease knuckle? You think just because you're a dung mammoth, you can addle my brain-pan?" He leaps off the roof and charges you, getting angrier and less coherent by the second.


A hobo regards you with a glassy-eyed stare as you walk past. "Hey. Buddy. Hey," he says. "Are you a part of the Trepa Nation?"

"Nope," you say. "I was part of the Rhythm Nation for a while, but I got tired of all the big shoulderpads."

"Oh, well, you gotta join up!" he says. "Y'see, you can't trust your senses, because they lie to you. But once I use this big icicle to make a hole in your skull, you'll be able to see the world for what it really is!"

"Uh, no thanks," you say, but he advances on you. Looks like he's not going to take 'no,' or 'arrrgh stop it dear god it hurts,' for an answer.


You see a hobo climb out of a little makeshift igloo. "Wow," you say, "it's an honest-to-goodness eskimobo!"

The hobo glares at you. "Inuit," he growls.

"How exotic your language is! Inuit to you as well, eskimobo!" you reply.

"No, consarn it," he says, "I mean that 'Inuit' is the preferred nomenclature. 'Eskimobo is an ignorant, derogatory term, and it makes us really, really mad."

"Okay, okay," you say. "Geez, you eskimoboes sure are a cranky people..."


A hobo who looks like he's wearing an entire refrigerator lumbers up to you. "All right, everyone," he says, cocking a fist back, "chill!"

"Wow, what a god-awful pun," you say. "Look, I'm not looking for trouble, here..."

"I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your entreaties," he says. "I'm going to have to put you on ice!"


You slip on a patch of ice and slide right into a sleeping hobo. "Razzin-frammin' penguins slidin' around all over my lawn!" he shouts, charging toward you with murder (and sleep) in his bloodshot eyes.

Hit Message(s):

He slips some snow down the back of your pants. Man, that was a cold-ass thing to do. Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

He holds you down and washes your face with snow. You flash back to the halcyon days of your youth, which really, really sucked. Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

He stabs you with an icicle. Et tu, Frosty? Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

He pelts you with snowballs. For the first time, you find yourself wishing you were in hell. Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

He tricks you into licking a flagpole. Mah, dash kinna coal! Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

Critical Hit Message:

He bangs on the side of a nearby shed, causing an avalanche of snow to slide off the roof and bury you. To add insult to injury, he then sticks a carrot where your nose should be. Brrrrrrrrrrr. (cold damage)

Miss Message(s):

He tries to slip snow down the back of your pants, but you cover your ass.

He tries to wash your face with snow, but you point out that it's *his* face that needs the washing.

He tries to stab you with an icicle, but gets his fingers stuck to it. He should probably get some gloves with fingers on 'em.

He runs into a nearby walk-in freezer, but you decline to run, or walk, after him.

He tries to get you to lick a flagpole, but you threaten to shoot his eye out.

Fumble Message:

He slips on a patch of ice and slides off down the alley. You quickly set up a bunch of trash cans for him to slide into, and celebrate when he knocks them all down. Strike! (FUMBLE!)

Special Move(s):

He drops an ice cube down your back. You shiver, not with antici-pation, but with frigid coldness.

HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He fills his mouth with snow and gives you a frostbite. Get it? Oh yeah, you got it.

HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He pours out a bottle of cheap wine, forming a little red ice-skating rink. You slip and fall in a way that looks hilarious but is pretty painful.

HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He pummels you with his bindle, which turns out to be where he keeps his ice cube collection.

HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He rummages around in his bindle and produces a snowball, which he throws at your <leg>.

HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He speed-whittles an impressive facsimile of a classical Greek statue out of a nearby block of ice, and then smashes it over your head.

HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He sticks two fingers in his mouth and utters the loudest, most piercing whistle you've ever heard. The next thing you hear is the cracking of several dozen icicles hanging above you, and the next few things after that are all variations on the theme of 'ow'.

HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He thumps the side of a nearby building. You hear a strange slithering noise, and look up just in time to see half a ton of snow slide off the roof and bury you.

HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)

He tricks you into licking a frozen lamppost, then beats you mercilessly as you struggle to free yourself.

HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)

After Combat

Book4.gifYou acquire an item: Blizzards I Have Died In (.1% chance)*
Coldbindle.gifYou acquire an item: freezin' bindle (.1% chance)*
Airmattress.gifYou acquire an item: frigid air mattress (.1% chance)*
Nickel.gifYou acquire an item: hobo nickel (15% chance)*
Book4.gifYou acquire an item: Maxing, Relaxing (.1% chance)*
You gain 87.5 <substat>.

Occurs at Exposure Esplanade.


  • Hobos have a chance to use special attacks which are guaranteed to hit regardless of how high or low your Moxie is. These attacks do a great deal more damage than normal attacks and don't seem to interact with defensive abilities such as saucespheres or Hero of the Half-Shell. They can be distinguished from normal hits by the lack of sound effects that follow the message.
  • After a Cold Hobo is hit, one of these two messages appears:
The hobo cries out in pain.
The hobo cries out in pain. The reverberations of his scream knock an icicle loose from the ceiling, which plunges straight into your chest.
HPYou lose X hit points. (cold damage)
  • The extra messages can occur after each separate hits in a combat round: player weapons as well as familiar attack.
  • The hobo will only cry out in pain if at least 40 points of damage are done.
  • The chance of an icicle falling and stabbing the player is greater, the more icicles have already been brought down (for whatever reason, whether knocked down by a hobo's cry or a yodel.) Conversely, the more icicles are still up there, the stabler they all are and the less likely they are to fall. In fact, the zone starts in a situation where icicles cannot fall at all (as a result of a hobo's cry) before at least some have been knocked down by a yodel.
  • When asking Richard for a bandage, if your familiar hits the hobo and causes a counter attack, it appears the damage is either nullified or subtracted from the health healed, but does not decrease your remaining health. (May only work for certain familiars)
  • The name, image, and introduction text of this monster are all randomly selected:
Coldhobo1.gif Coldhobo2.gif Coldhobo3.gif Coldhobo4.gif
Coldhobo5.gif Coldhobo6.gif Coldhobo7.gif Coldhobo8.gif


  • Rhythm Nation refers to the Janet Jackson song of the same name. She wore very big shoulder pads in the video.
  • Making a hole in your skull to heighten your perceptions is known as trepanning.
  • The hobo wearing a refrigerator, and his horrible puns, are a reference to Batman villain Mr. Freeze; specifically, the one portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1997 film Batman and Robin.
  • "You shiver, not with anticipation" is a reference to The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
  • "I mean that 'Inuit' is not the preferred nomenclature" is a reference to the movie The Big Lebowski, specifically when Walter says "Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please."
  • Being dared to lick a flagpole and shooting your eye out are both references to the 1983 comedy A Christmas Story.