Down by the Riverside
You wander through the Valley of Fear (Valley of Fear), the Desert of Truth (Desert of Truth), and the Mountains of Faith (Mountains of Faith), until you come to Alph, the Sacred River (river so deep!). You feel like you're searching for something (searching for something), perhaps something sacred you lost (sacred you lost). You feel like it might be on the other side, but the river is wide (oooh, it's wide) and it's too hard to cross (too hard to --) hold on, wait a minute while I strangle this group of backup singers I picked up somewhere. I knew I should have sprayed for those earlier in the season... (unkawokkininna innamidduwuu-URK). There. Much better.
So here you are at the sacred river Alph. At one time, both banks were overgrown with weeping willows, bullrushes, water lilies, swans, that kind of thing. These days there's a pool with a swim-up bar and a jacuzzi, because the ideal thing to do next to a natural body of water is to sit in an artificial body of water and look over at the natural body of water. There's also a sand volleyball court, in case you haven't had to dig sand out of the netherest of your nether regions recently.
| Swim laps in the pool |
You dive into the pristine, sterile, thoroughly chlorinated pool and start swimming laps. Unencumbered by flora or fauna, you feel invigorated and inspired to get a thorough workout. By the time you're done your muscles are tingling (some muscles more than others), and you have the overall sense of well-being that comes from an artificial recreation of a natural activity.
As you towel off, you flex your biceps and think about how much, when you get right down to it, nature sucks.
| You gain approximately <mainstat>, max 150 Muscleboundness. |
| Wade in the Alph |
You take yourself to the river, and drop yourself in the water. As you start to wash yourself down, you look into the water and see strange ripples of light undulating below the surface. Ethereal, effervescent green and blue lights swirl around you, bathing you in otherworldly radiance. It's really cool.
The swirling light show breaks from the surface of the water, circling briefly around your head, then hovering a few feet in front of your face. A face appears in the middle of the light -- an inhuman face, with its orange fur, warts, and beady little eyes, but a kind face, nonetheless. You realize it must be the god for whom the river is named.
"Adventurer," he says, in a golden, eardrum-caressing baritone, "I have a quest for you. It is a most sacred quest. Look deep into my eyes and it shall be made known to you."
The god's face gets larger as you stare at the eyes, until you feel like you've been swallowed by his gaze. Then, abruptly, the feeling vanishes. "So, er, what's the quest?" you say.
"Oh, I was just kidding around," the god says, his voice considerably less mellifluous. "I just wanted to imbue you with some of my essence, and when I say 'hey baby, let me imbue you with some of my essence,' people tend to run away." He chuckles, pleased with himself. "my essence...ha! I kill me!" and with that, he vanishes.
Well, at least splashing around in a sacred river revitalizes you a little.
 | You gain 80-100(?) Mana Points. |
 | You acquire an effect: Spirit of Alph (duration: 5 Adventures) |
| Play some volleyball |
You join an informal game of two-on-two beach volleyball. After an hour or so of lunging, diving, spiking and being spiked, you're covered in sand and still losing by one point. What with the chafing and the continued crappy calls by the referee, a roller-skating muse (who are not known for their attention span), you're starting to lose your temper.
The Ancient Mariner on the other team pops up a serve, which you return with a savage, in-your-face spike. "Out!" the referee shouts.
"Out?" you say. "OUT? Lady, are you sure you're not the anthropomorphic personification of Justice, rather than that of man's creative impulse? Because you're BLIND!"
"That's it!" she shouts. "You have a problem, tough guy? Well, today must be opposite day, because you're inspiring ME -- to beat the crap out of you!"
roller-skating Muse  -- (edit metadata)
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Occurs at The Stately Pleasure Dome.
References
- This adventure's name is a reference to the gospel/spiritual song "Down by the Riverside."
- "Wade in the Alph" refers to the spiritual song "Wade in the Water."
- The introductory text for this adventure is an extended reference to the Billy Joel song "River Of Dreams," which was itself a full-length homage to the gospel song style.
- "I Wanna Know, Can You Tell Me?" as well as "You take yourself to the river, and drop yourself in the water", which is a reference to the lyrics "Take me to the river, drop me in the water", and the corresponding text are lyrics from the song "Take Me to the River" popularized by Talking Heads, originally written and recorded by Al Green.
- This adventure references, like all other encounters in the Stately Pleasure Dome, the Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem Kubla Khan.
- An orange warty creature is ALF, the alien life form from the TV sitcom of the same name. "Ha, I kill me" was one of his catchphrases.
