François Verte, Art Teacher

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François Verte, Art Teacher
Monster ID 1423
Locations Art Class
Hit Points  ?
Attack  ?
Defense unknown
Initiative 100
Meat 48-72
Phylum dude
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head,arm,leg,torso
lump of clay, angry inch, eraser nubbin, twisted piece of wire
Manuel tomato soup poster
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
François Verte, Art Teacher You're fighting François Verte, Art Teacher

Most high school art teachers are amiable aging hippies who will look the other way if your pottery project looks suspiciously like a bong, or your papier-mache project looks like a bong, or if your mixed-media collage looks like a bong. Heck, they're probably using the kiln after hours to fire up their own "tobacco accessories." But François is a different sort. He's got a degree in Art History with a minor in Art Critique and Theory of Art, and he's ready to ream you out if the juxtaposition of your oppositional elements is jejune. And god help you if your milieu is uninspired or you attempt some kind of ironic neo-classicism.

Hit Message(s):

He calls your art project a "stunning refutation of patriarchal hegemony," then smacks you when you insist it's just a bunny rabbit. Eek! Ugh! Oof!

He calls your art project "bravely nihilistic, with a single ray of optimism snuffed by clouds of apathy." You point out that he's critiquing the fire extinguisher, and he smacks you. Ooh! Ouch! Argh!

He delivers a withering takedown of the "aesthetic holocaust" that is your FACE. Aw, snap. Oof! Argh! Ow!

He makes his own original composition of your blood on a white canvas, then rips it up because he feels it's too derivative of Jackson Pollock. Eek! Ouch! Ugh!

He smacks you across the knees with a mackerel, as some sort of Dada performance art piece. Ooh! Argh! Ooh!

He explores the dichotomy of your face and his fist, and how the two can dynamically interact in three-dimensional space. Oof! Oof! Ow!

Critical Hit Message:

He excoriates your art as the quotidian product of an unremarkable mind, suitable only for mass-market consumption. He breaks several canvases and a sculpture over your head before you can tell him they're not yours. Ow! Oof! Ooh!

Miss Message(s):

He calls your art project a "stunning refutation of patriarchal hegemony." You shrug and go along with it.

He calls your art project a bold examination of nihilistic apathy in an indifferent age. You shrug and say, "whatever," which sets him off praising you again.

He grudgingly admits that your face has an avant-garde appeal.

He sets out to splatter your blood on a canvas, but you point out that'd be derivative of Jackson Pollock.

He tries to kneecap you with a halibut, but you point out that the Dada movement lacked the ethos to survive even a quarter century.

He wants to hit you, but fears the juxtaposition of fist and face would be overly representational.

Fumble Message:

He realizes that he will never be as monumentally rich or successful as the mundane, low-brow artists he despises, and slumps into a chair in full-blown existential crisis. Maybe he'll make a horrible painting about it later. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 48-72 Meat. (average: 60, stdev: 5.29)*
Wiretwist.gifYou acquire an item: twisted piece of wire
Angryinch.gifYou acquire an item: angry inch
Nubbin.gifYou acquire an item: eraser nubbin
Clayglob.gifYou acquire an item: lump of clay

Occurs at Art Class, semi-rarely.