Frank "Skipper" Dan, the Accordion Lord
|Frank "Skipper" Dan, the Accordion Lord|
|Locations||using a suspicious address|
|Hit Points||Scales with player stats|
You walk into the dilapidated house indicated on the note. It's too dark to see even your hand in front of your face, but suddenly your eyeballs are blasted with light from a 2,000-inch TV, and your earholes blasted with a deafening wonk from an accordion. A figure stands before you, a tall, thin man with thick glasses, curly hair, and a mustache that was ironic before ironic was cool.
"Wh-wh-who are you?" you ask.
"Wh-wh-who am I?" he says, in a perfect parody of your voice. "I'm Frank 'Skipper' Dan, the Accordion Lord. Those accordionists you've been fighting all work for me."
"But why? Why add more accordion to the world? What's your angle?"
"Why, it's simple," he replies, "I am too white and nerdy to play any other instrument, so I play the accordion. It requires a great deal of skill and hours of practice to master, yet it gets no respect! While guitar players and drummers line up the chicks, I'm left squeezing my squeezebox all by my lonesome! People insist all you can play on an accordion is polka--well, I've showed them! I've showed them all!"
"But all you play on the accordion is polka. You've been playing oom-pah nonstop since the lights came on!" you protest.
"That's not the POINT!" he screams. "I'm going to stomp you like a weasel on Weasel Stomping Day!"
He runs over to you with a pair of scissors, then stabs you with them. I guess they weren't kidding when they said running with scissors was dangerous. Ooh! Ugh! Ouch! Ugh!
He opens a box marked "donuts," and rabid weasels leap out and rip your flesh. Argh! Ugh! Ouch! Ouch!
He numbs you, drills you, flosses you, and bills you. Except for the numbing part. Argh! Ow! Eek! Ugh!
He pulls out all your chest hair with pliers. You get the feeling he doesn't love you anymore. Argh! Argh! Argh! Ooh!
He slices you like a surgeon, cutting for the very first time. You wish he would have practiced. Ooh! Ugh! Ouch! Ow!
He plays a medley of pop hits, all as polkas. You dance along until he bashes you with his accordion at the end. Ugh! Ooh! Argh! Ow!
He takes you on a nature trail to hell, his demonic accordion-pounding becoming an infernal assault on not just your hearing, but all of your senses at once. You never knew music could hurt like his achy, breaky song. Ouch! Eek! Ugh! Ow!
He runs over to you with a pair of scissors, but trips and pokes himself before he can get up. Let that be a lesson to him.
He opens a box marked "rabid weasels," but it's full of donuts.
He numbs you, drills you, flosses you, and bills you. You're not sure what just happened, but your teeth are clean now.
He tries to pull out all your chest hair with pliers, but your chest is smooth as a baby's butt.
He slices at you like a surgeon, but misses as though he was cutting for the very first time.
He plays a medley of pop hits, all as polkas. You groove along.
He stops to narrate the first part of the fight in a pastiche of styles, from the bard in the Knob Goblin Harem to the Drab Bard in the palindome. It's pretty catchy. (FUMBLE!)
It'll be a while before anybody thinks they can get away with having a non-stolen accordion around these parts, that's for sure.
|You acquire an item: Skipper's accordion (100% chance)*|
- Cannot be stunned or staggered:
- Unfazed, your opponent attacks you anyway!
- Has 75% elemental resistance.
- Frank "Skipper" Dan, the Accordion Lord has two phases of damage reduction:
- First, a percentage reduction is applied to all damage. This reduction is 75%.
- Second, a soft damage cap is applied. The soft cap is 50. If an attack would do more than 50 damage, then the soft cap reduces this to (D - 50)0.85 + 50 where D is the damage after percentage resistance.
- If you prefer a single formula, the actual damage Frank "Skipper" Dan, the Accordion Lord takes with a raw, unmodified damage of x is (.25*x-50)^.85+50.
- This monster cannot be copied.
- An obvious homage to the satirist and accordionist Weird Al Yankovic who is well-known for having a penchant to rearrange pop songs into accordion medleys.
- The name comes from his songs "Frank's 2000" TV" and "Skipper Dan".
- The following songs are referenced in the introduction and combat messages:
- "Frank's 2000" TV"
- "White and Nerdy"
- "Weasel Stomping Day"
- "Albuquerque "
- "Cavity Search"
- "You Don't Love Me Anymore"
- "Like A Surgeon"
- "Nature Trail To Hell"
- "Achy Breaky Song"
- The album art of Running With Scissors is also referenced in the combat messages.
- One of the combat messages about a box of weasels refers to Frank Zappa's Weasels Ripped My Flesh as well as Weird Al's song, Albuquerque.