Kremlin's Greatest Briefcase

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Kremlin's Greatest Briefcase
Kremlin's Greatest Briefcase

This old-fashioned (and heavy) leather briefcase has a post-it note stuck to the side: "Agent: this briefcase was confiscated from a member of an opposing organization. You are instructed to investigate its capabilities & take advantage of them if possible. --L"

Type: accessory
Cannot be traded or discarded

All Attributes +10
Maximum HP/MP +25
Weapon Damage +25%
+25% Combat Initiative
Regenerate 5-10 MP per Adventure
Regenerate 5-10 HP per Adventure
Lets you banish enemy agents with tranquilizer darts

NOTE: You may not equip more than one of these at a time.

(In-game plural: Kremlin's Greatest Briefcases)
View metadata
Item number: 9493
Description ID: 311743898
View in-game: view

Obtained From

suspicious package


  • Is automatically placed in your inventory for you at the beginning of your run, with the message:
    Looks like that briefcase stayed handcuffed to you, even through the afterlife.
    Kgbcase.gifYou acquire an item: Kremlin's Greatest Briefcase
  • Was originally an off-hand slot item before being changed to an accessory by Hotstuff after release in response to feedback from in-game chat.
  • Check out Noblesse Oblige's Briefcase information for some of the latest spading.
  • While equipped, grants three uses of the skill KGB tranquilizer dart every day.
  • Has an [examine] link. This initially allows you to toggle the handle, toggle the dials, or click the actuators. Clicking actuators gives one of eleven effects in a cycle, or unlocks a new feature. You normally get 11 actuator clicks per day (see below). Currently known features are:
    • A Handle that can be either up or down, which changes the effects of some other functions. Clicking the handle four times in a row resets the briefcase, as if you got a new one, but does not give extra actuator clicks.
    • A Dispenser (e.g. set both dials to 666 with the handle up, then click the left actuator): gives 3 martinis a day, depending on the sum of the heights of the case's tab state:
    • A Crank (e.g. set dials to 000-000, handle down, left actuator, right actuator, handle twice, left actuator): Turning the crank 11 times with the handle up, then moving the handle down gives another 11 clicks that day. Turning the crank more than 11 times breaks it, which prevents you from attempting to crank it again. Turning the crank to gain extra clicks is a process that must be repeated daily.
    • Left drawer containing 3 exploding cigars each (e.g. set left dial to 000, click left actuator)
    • Right drawer containing 3 exploding cigars or a can of Minions-Be-Gone in the License to Adventure path (e.g. set right dial to 111, click right actuator)
    • a row of 6 buttons (e.g. set dials to show a palindromic format ABC-CBA where A, B and C are unique, handle down, click the left actuator): allows the enchantments on the case itself to be toggled with the handle down; with the handle up produce tabs on the back, and improve the martinis from the hose.
      • Buttons are paired, and allow you to cycle forward and backward through three sets of different effects (for a total of three enchantments, one from each column, at any given time):
Buttons 1↓ & 2↑ Buttons 3↓ & 4↑ Buttons 5↓ & 6↑
Weapon Damage +25%
- or -
Spell Damage +50%
- or -
+5 Prismatic Damage
- or -
+10% chance of Critical Hit
+25% Combat Initiative
- or -
Damage Absorption +100
- or -
Superhuman Hot Resistance (+5)
- or -
Superhuman Cold Resistance (+5)
- or -
Superhuman Spooky Resistance (+5)
- or -
Superhuman Stench Resistance (+5)
- or -
Superhuman Sleaze Resistance (+5)
Regenerate 5-10 HP and MP per Adventure
- or -
+5 Adventures per day
- or -
+5 Pvp Fights per day
- or -
Monsters will be less attracted to you
- or -
Monsters will be more attracted to you
- or -
+25 ML
- or -
-3MP to use skills
    • Get 10 turns of an effect from the below cycle, depending on dial settings:
Effect Description
Effect001.gif Punch Another Day (10 Adventures)
Muscle +30
Your briefcase bleeps and dispenses a small red pill, and a little cup of water to wash it down with. It turns out to be a powerful steroid, so hopefully you’ve got a sweet fistfight sequence coming up.
Effect002.gif For Your Brain Only (10 Adventures)
Mysticality +30
Your briefcase bleeps and dispenses a small blue pill, and a little cup of water to wash it down with. Upon taking it, you feel a sudden rush of blood to your brain that focuses your mental energies, but probably also makes you more susceptible to aneurisms, so maybe don’t take too many of those.
Effect003.gif Quantum of Moxie (10 Adventures)
Moxie +30
Your briefcase bleeps and dispenses a small green pill, and a little cup of water to wash it down with. Upon taking it, you feel as refreshed as if you’d just had a solid eight hours of sleep — which means you’ll probably need sixteen when you come down, but you can worry about that later.
Effect004.gif License to Punch (10 Adventures)
Muscle +100%
Your briefcase bleeps and a little needle pops out of the lining. Warily, you prick your finger, and immediately feel an intense rush of adrenaline that makes you feel like you could beat a sumo wrestler to death with a leather sofa.
Effect005.gif Thunderspell (10 Adventures)
Mysticality +100%
Your briefcase bleeps and dispenses a little glass smelling-salts-like capsule. Upon breaking it and inhaling, you discover it to be some kind of nootropic smartdrug, probably methylphenidate or some other substituted phenethylamine that exerts its pharmacological effects primarily by modulating monoamine neurotransmitter systems.
Effect006.gif Goldentongue (10 Adventures)
Moxie +100%
Your briefcase bleeps, and then emits a burst of white noise. You suddenly feel wide-awake and ready to face down an evil genius in a deadly trial of wits, or to do parkour in a white tuxedo, or something like that.
Effect007.gif The Living Hitpoints (10 Adventures)
Maximum HP +100%
Maximum MP +100%
Your briefcase bleeps and dispenses a small syringe, which you inject into your arm. The label identifies it as a cocktail of antibiotics, antihistamines, vitamins, antitoxins, and blood coagulants that should help protect you against minor injuries for a while, assuming those ingredients don’t chemically combine to make drain cleaner or something.
Effect008.gif Initiative and Let Die (10 Adventures)
+50% Combat Initiative
Your briefcase bleeps and dispenses a small syringe. You inject into your arm, and then notice that the label says “cheetah adrenaline”. Time seems to slow down around you.
Effect009.gif A View to Some Meat (10 Adventures)
+100% Meat from Monsters
Your briefcase bleeps and dispenses a little glass smelling-salts-like capsule. You break it and inhale the fumes, which do something chemical to the lining of your sinuses to enchance the smell of meat in your vicinity. (At first all you can smell is yourself, but you get accustomed to that pretty quick.)
Effect0010.gif Items Are Forever (10 Adventures)
+50% Item Drops from Monsters
Your briefcase bleeps, and then bursts a rapidly-flashing multicolored light into your eyes. Somehow this focuses your senses to make it easier to find items? Look, it’s secret spy science, don’t ask me how it works.
Effect0011.gif The Spy Who Loved XP (10 Adventures)
+5 Stats Per Fight
Your briefcase bleeps, and suddenly fires a crossbow bolt at you, which you just barely manage to dodge. A little coded message inscribed on the shaft of the bolt says, “Remain alert and watchful at all times.” Is that meant to be inspirational, or something?
    • Six tabs that grant 50 turns of the above effects, depending on the state of the tab. These will either be hidden, long, or short, depending on buttons pressed. Consumes 3 clicks per use.
      • The buff granted by a tab is always the same one, determined randomly per ascension, but depends on whether the tab is short or long. For example, if tab #1 grants 50 turns of Items Are Forever when long, then it will always grant 50 turns of Items Are Forever when long for the current ascension. If you change it to being short, then it will grant a different buff, but it will always grant that buff when short. Both of these are re-randomized when you ascend.
      • One tab setting will instead grant 100 turns of a random buff instead of 50 turns of a fixed buff.
      • These six tabs define a 6-digit, base-3 number (no tab means 0, a short tab represents a 1, and a long tab a 2), with the digits in random order.
      • The 6 buttons (handle up) modify the 6-digit tab value, changing it by +1, -1, +1010 (ie, +1013), -1010 (-1013), +10010 (+102013), -10010 (-102013). Which button adds/subtracts which value is also randomized.
      • Setting the tabs to 2222223 (all long tabs) makes the martini hose dispense splendid martinis.
      • Modifying the tabs also allows you to reach a specific value through the tabs. How close you are from this value is indicated by the rings of light that can show up in the center of the briefcase.
        • There is an outer ring, and an inner ring. Blinking rings is close, solid is closer. The progression follows:
          Ring StateRangeRing StateRange
          • After hitting the correct number, an additional two lines of dialog will appear after the usual ones about the briefcase's situation changing:
            A chime sounds, and a blinking light begins to shine steadily (underneath the handle).
            There's also a new whirring sound coming from the base of the case. Are those tabs moving on their own now?
    • The three vertical lights in the middle are used in a game of Mastermind, where the left actuator checks the three left dials, and the right the right. Cracking this causes an antenna to appear, although the use of this is currently unknown. To summarise the details (looking only at the left half):
      • Set the 3 dials to your three favourite choices.
      • Click the actuator.
      • For every solid light, one of the dials is correct. For every flashing light, one of the dials has the correct number, but is in the wrong place (e.g. if the code were 153, and your dials read 125, you would have 1 solid light (for the 1), and one blinking light (for the 5)).
      • Change the dials and repeat (the code can contain repeated digits), until all of the lights are solid.

Opening the Briefcase

  • The final puzzle opens the case. It requires that you have solved all of the previous ones.
    • Note your target number given by the rings, and add 1110 to it.
    • Get the tabs represent a value ABOVE this number by clicking +10010 however many times.
    • Ensure the handle is down.
    • Click empty drawers until your tabs count down to your target+1110.
    • Use the crank 7 times to fully charge the antennae/Jacob's ladder.
    • Toggle handle 4 times (same behaviour as what normally causes a case reset).
    • The case contains a golden gun, 3 sticks of golden gum, 3 golden tattoo guns and a tiny plastic golden gundam. The golden tattoo guns are once ever, although every day the case can be opened for more of the other stuff.
  • First time each day:

You open the case and find that it has manufactured a new set of golden items for you to take, which you do.

Kgbgoldgun.gifYou acquire an item: golden gun
Kgbgum.gifYou acquire 3 sticks of golden gum
Kgbgundam.gifYou acquire an item: tiny plastic golden gundam

The case snaps shut and firmly locks itself again. You wonder who thought it was a good idea to design something this way.

  • Subsequent times:
Nothing happens. The case can't be opened twice in one day.


See Also


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