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Ranges of everything.

Knit cap and short shorts
and a handlebar moustache
tiny irony.

Does various things, everybody hates him

Ability: During combat, will randomly attack enemy, stun enemy, drop meat, give you HP and/or MP, or give you stats. Randomly makes you fight special scaling monsters with no adventure cost.

Throne/Bjorn: All attributes +10, sometimes staggers opponent and restores your HP and MP

Hatchling: Pbr.gif Schmalz's First Prize Beer

Familiar-Specific Equipment: Guitar.gif chiptune guitar, Bicycle.gif fixed-gear bicycle, Ironstache.gif ironic moustache

Arena.gif Ultimate Cage Match Scavenger Hunt Obstacle Course Hide and Seek
Hardcorex.gif Olive.gifOlive.gifOlive.gif Olive.gifOlive.gif Olive.gif

Mumming Trunk Abilities:

+30% Meat Drop 4-5 MP +3 Muscle statgain +25% Item Drop +4 Mysticality statgain 8-10 HP +2 Moxie statgain
Hardcorex.gif Hardcorex.gif Hardcorex.gif Hardcorex.gif Hardcorex.gif Hardcorex.gif Hardcorex.gif
*Hover for details
Dasboot.gifCannot breathe underwater
Combat Messages
  • During combat:
    • First message
      <name> hops on your back for an ironic piggy-back ride. You feel a little stronger after hauling all of that irony around.
      You gain 2-3 Strongness.
      <name> explains the backlash against the backlash against an indie comic book. See, it got too popular, so now everyone criticizes it, so now the cool thing to do is to like it again. Trying to follow the logic opens new neural pathways in your brain.
      You gain 2-3 Mysteriousness.
      <name> teaches you the subtle differences between an ironic moustache and a regular ol' creepy moustache. You feel a little more moxious.
      You gain 2-3 Sarcasm.
    • Regular messages
      <name> holds up a finger with a moustache tattooed on it. You laugh heartily at his ironically clever sight gag, and feel refreshed.
      HPYou gain X hit points.
      MPYou gain Y Mana Points.
      <name> pulls off one of his mismatched argyle socks (that he was wearing ironically under a pair of flip-flops) and wraps it around one of your wounds. Aaaaah.
      HPYou gain X hit points.
      <name> filters moonslight[sic] through his oversized sunglasses.
      MPYou gain X Mana Points.
      <name> redeems some food stamps to get himself a snack, and gives you the meat he gets in change.
      Meat.gifYou gain X Meat.
      Your opponent is too busy explaining the actual definition of irony to <name> to attack this round.
      <name>'s head starts to glow, for never-clearly-explained reasons. Your opponent is too busy goggling at it to attack this round.
      <name> removes his ironic knit cap and shakes some greasy sweat at him for X damage.
      <name> gains the Power of Love! In practical terms, that means he pulls a flaming sword out of his chest and stabs him with it for X damage. Man, the Power of Love is a curious thing.
      <name> reads a scathing review he wrote of an indie band that is getting too much popular attention. He looks a little demoralized by the sheer level of vitriol.
      Monster AttackMonster attack power reduced by X
      Monster DefenseMonster defense reduced by Y
  • After combat:
    • Once per day, without an ironic moustache in your inventory or closet and no familiar equipment equipped:
      The words POWER UP appear above <name>'s head as he instantly grows a stupid-looking moustache.
  • Enthroned in the Crown of Thrones:
    <name> pulls out a notebook that appears to be covered in the skin of a mole, and reads a list he wrote of all the trends that used to be cool and are now totally lame, and the trends that were totally lame and are now ironically cool. Your opponent is too busy figuring out how to be cool to attack this round, while you feel invigorated for following a few of the right trends.
    HPYou gain 10-20 hit points.
    MPYou gain 10-20 Mana Points.
  • Bjornified in the Buddy Bjorn:
    <name> plays you a refreshing tune on his hand-made cigar-box ukelele.
    HPYou gain 10-20 hit points.
    MPYou gain 10-20 Mana Points.
    • With lucky Tam O'Shanter equipped:
      <name> throws an ironic gang sign from under the Tam O'Shanter, winking to show he's in on the joke.
    • With miniature gravy-covered maypole equipped:
      <name> does an ironic Macarena around the Maypole.
    • With wax lips equipped:
      <name> waxes ironically nostalgic about old-timey flavorless candy while the wax lips smile on.

Arena Messages

  • When entered in an Ultimate Cage Match:
    Mini-hipsters don't fight, even ironically. They don't want to risk having their moustaches yanked on.


  • The familiar randomly picks one of the stat gain messages as its first combat action. An additional stat gain message will not occur after that.
  • After the stat gain action and until round 10 all actions are equally likely (counting both potato actions as one). It is unknown how the actions are distributed after round 10.
  • The odds of the above actions occurring increase with the weight of the familiar according to 20+2.5*weight. The familiar acts 100% of the time at 32 lbs.
  • Healing: All 3 restoring actions restore between floor(weight/2) and weight+6 HP/MP. The average gain is approximately 0.8*weight+1.2
  • Damage: Both attacks do between 8*weight and 10*weight+30 damage. The average damage is approximately 9*weight+8
  • Meat: The meat action gives a minimum of 3*weight meat, the maximum is unknown. The average is approximately 4*weight+4.5.
  • None of the above distributions are uniform, but their exact nature is unknown.
  • When adventuring with a Mini-Hipster, the following special combats will sometimes replace a regular adventure in a zone, including adventuring in a Drunken Stupor. The combat does not use a turn.
    angry bassist (if chiptune guitar is equipped)
    blue-haired girl (if fixed-gear bicycle is equipped)
    evil ex-girlfriend
    peeved roommate (if ironic moustache is equipped)
    random scenester
  • The odds of encountering a free combat are 50/40/30/20/10/10/10.
  • For more on the how hipster combats can occur, see the Encounter page.

Familiar Equipment:

Equipment Effect
Chiptune guitar +25% Item Drops from Monsters
Fixed-gear bicycle +3 Stat(s) Per Fight
Ironic moustache +10 to Familiar Weight


Shared Counter

Watch.gif Mini-Hipster | Artistic Goth Kid