Monster Manuel (R)

There are 67 creatures filed under R, and 1 unobtainable entry.

Monster Manuel Entries

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		84		rabid MMO addict If MMO players could be hooked up to a turbine that generated electricity every time they killed a boar, the world's energy problems would be solved. The MMO players were meant to just sit quietly in chairs while playing, instead of wandering around. The triads had hoped to fix that in the next patch. Or at least pack a pair of handcuffs with each test unit. I know there were supposed to be three factoids, but I'm late for a scheduled guild raid.
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		144		Racecar Bob Racecar Bob and his brother are from Wassamassaw, South Carolina. The Nas'Kar twins worked briefly as solo gigolos before joining the racing circuit. Racecar Bob's racecar is, of course, a Toyota.
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		?		rack of free weights Free weights are so named because they aren't shackled to the floor like other, less effective weights. Don't buy "weight-free" free weights -- they're just empty boxes. If you don't have free weights in your home, you can use gallon milk jugs as a substitute. Also, always remember to drink two gallons of milk after every workout, so your bones stay strong enough to support the muscles.
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		?		raconteur elf The raconteur elf has a story for every occasion, even a wedding that's interrupted by a fox and two crows. Okay, especially that one. A raconteur elf keeps his story-telling voice in good shape by regularly lubricating it with peppermint schnapps. The warm, folksy tone of the raconteur elf can put a screaming baby to sleep, tame a bear, and even calm an angry ex-wife.
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		?		Radiator Radiators probably should have called themselves "rad-iators" to emphasize that they're not radiating anything. Radiators also hate having to understand that "bad" means "good," and that "dope" means "good" as well. Radiators are equally as likely to have a breakdancing pizza party as to kick butt in the arena.
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		169		rag-tag band of survivors Most of the rag-tag survivors are wearing more than rags, and only the army vet has tags. Some speculate there is some kind of cosmic director who controls the survivor's fights -- but that's just crazy. The burly biker is actually quite good at both crochet and macrame. So don't stereotype him, okay?
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		30		rage flame When a rage flame wears old-school horn-rimmed ladies' eyeglasses, you can't tell, because they look just like its eyes. Rage flames save a lot of money on their utility bills by not ever needing to run a water heater. Rage flames hate it when you say "More like rage LAMES, am I right?" Actually, everybody hates it when you say that.
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		25		raging bull Did you have extra-marital relations with the raging bull's wife? I'll say it again: DID YOU HAVE EXTRA-MARITAL RELATIONS WITH THE RAGING BULL'S WIFE? Oh, you *are* the raging bull's wife? Sorry. The raging bull used to be a prize fighter, until he was thrown out for goring. The raging bull weighs about two tons, which qualifies him as a "superultraseriouslyheavyweight."
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		80		rampaging adding machine When these things get old, they often require assistance entering buildings that don't have an aging rampaging adding machine ramp. Rampaging adding machines never run out of paper -- each one's internal machinery includes a tiny forest and paper mill. Rampaging adding machine stand-up comedy routines consist of nothing but the word BOOBS repeated over and over. They are hilarious.
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		0		random scenester The random scenester is 35 years old, but looks younger with his ironic mullet. The random scenester has a number of favorite bands. You probably haven't heard of any of them. The random scenester once burned his mouth eating pizza before it was cool.
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		0		rare criminal Although it does fit the meter of the song, this rare criminal is not particularly smooth. Since criminals are so frequently purchased in blind-packed capsules, it's really exciting when you get a rare one. The rarest criminal of all is the one who steals your heart.
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		25		ratbat Scientists are divided over whether the ratbat is an example of cross-species breeding or magical mutation. Perverted scientists are hoping for the former. It's aerodynamically impossible for the ratbat to be able to fly, but no one ever told it that. I'd recommend you don't tell it, either, unless you want a carpet of pissed-off ratbats on your lawn. One ratbat can eat a pound of mosquitos per hour. It just chooses not to, the lazy sod.
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		175		rattlin' duck You'd probably be angry too, if your butt was a maraca. I mean, sure, it sounds fun at first, but you'd get tired of it pretty quick. In actuality, all ducks rattle, but you have to shake them really really hard. The quack of a duck does not echo, because it is actually a psychic thought transfer that creates no vibrations in the air.
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		180		Raul Stamley His parents were not actually stars. SMOOCH are not known for the subtlety of their song titles. Or of anything else they did, really. You know it's the 70's when the hairiest guy in the crew is the one with no shirt.
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		0		raven A raven makes a great pet, if you're the kind of person who likes boring, terrible pets. Whenever a raven does something goofy, the proper reaction is to turn to the person next to you and say "That's so raven." You can't actually teach a raven to speak by slicing open its tongue -- this is a rumor started by a guy who really, really hated ravens.
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		140		Raver Giant Raver giant music doesn't have much bass, compared to that of regular-size ravers. They find that the loud pounding created by their dancing is quite sufficient. The raver giant's pacifier is so large, it could pacify more than a hundred normal-size babies at once! Er, if that's how pacifiers worked. If the raver giant had one of those candy necklaces, it would be able to feed a family of four for at least six months! Of course, they'd probably all get diabetes.
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		53		Really Interesting Wallpaper The wallpaper is a weird combination of paisley, polka dots, stripes, and fire-breathing monsters from another dimension. The wallpaper doesn't always get beer spilled on it, but when it does, it's dampened with Tres Ygriegas. The creator of the really interesting wallpaper went mad after dabbling in patterns no man was meant to print.
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		150		reanimated baboon skeleton This particular baboon died when it donated its heart to a neandertal[sic] man. Well, maybe "donated" is too nice a term. A baboon and a human have 98% of the same DNA. Maybe even more, in your case. Baboon skeletons like jogging, small dogs, and going *ook ook ook.* Turnoffs include bonesaws, macaques, and zookeepers.
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		50		reanimated bat skeleton A bat made of fossilized stone is not any less likely to get tangled up in your hair. Probably a little more likely, actually. Bat skeletons make excellent windchimes. Well, not reanimated ones. Unless maybe you could train it to hang from your porch awning and not attack you whenever you walked by. You may be wondering how a bat skeleton can fly without its leathery wings. Well, that's a silly thing to wonder. Why don't you wonder how it's moving around and attacking you at all, for a start? Or how it stays together without ligaments? Come on, man.
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		250		reanimated demon skeleton Even before they were fossilized, demons didn't actually need skin. They just used it to look slightly creepier. Back in my day, demons were a real threat -- none of this running around with broken legs and chap stick crap. Bones were thicker in the ancient history of Loathing, owing to easier access to calcium. Why, you couldn't talk ten feet without encountering a delicious calcium deposit, just sitting there!
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		300		reanimated giant spider skeleton Technically, spiders don't have bones, since they have a chitinous exoskeleton. Also, it's pronounced "Ket Shee." If you get bitten by a skeletal spider, your skeleton will turn into Spider-Man. Giant spiders are a mainstay of classic and modern fantasy literature. Scientists speculate it's because SPIDERS! AIEEEE!
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		100		reanimated serpent skeleton Snakes are all spine and ribs, much like supermodels. A snake can disengage its jaw to swallow things much larger than its mouth, just like your mom. The snake oil industry has led to dangerous underlubrication of the snake population.
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		200		reanimated wyrm skeleton Reanimated wyrm skeletons are related to the Bonerdagon, in much the same way that I'm related to the Queen of France. Don't confuse this with a reanimated worm skeleton. Those are much less deadly. A reanimated wyrm's ribcage makes an excellent xylophone, if you can get it to sit still.
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		150		red butler The red butler did it. Seriously, no matter what crime you're wondering about, the red butler did it. But you'll never pin it on him, because he's very good at cleaning up bloodstains and fingerprints.
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		166		Red Fox When the Red Fox can't use her feminine wiles to get out of a tight situation, she fakes a heart attack. The Red Fox has an arsenal of spy gadgets disguised as makeup and feminine hygiene products, from an exploding compact to a powder puff full of knock-out gas. The Red Fox has accidentally used those gadgets on herself far more times than she's used them for espionage.
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		149		Red Herring The Red Herring is a master of misdirection, sometimes intentionally. The Red Herring gets his name from his crimson herringbone uniform. Just kidding on that last one. He gets his name because he always keeps a herring under his cap, or some unknown reason. Probably it's not significant.
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		100		Red Roger If there was a word that meant "headless" that started with an R, Red Roger would have adopted it. Well. I guess somebody else would have adopted it for him. He'd need a head to adopt anything. Headlessness is the most common obstacles couples face when trying to adopt.
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		145		red skeleton No one's sure if the red on the red skeletons is paint, blood, or tandoori spice. The red skeletons are grateful to get a ride on the zeppelin instead of having to march tirelessly across land and under water, as they're traditionally made to do. I mean, your skeleton's probably pretty red right now. It only gets white after it's been out of your body a long time.
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		155		Red Snapper The Red Snapper is great at all kinds of Red Army missions, except the ones that require stealth. The Red Snapper outranks the Red Herring, and never lets him forget it. The Red Snapper has a ways to go before she gets promoted to Red Lobster.
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		100		refrigeradon The refrigeradon is nearly immune to food poisoning, for reasons that should be pretty clear. It is critical that you never leave a child unattended around an abandoned refrigeradon. Paleontologists theorize that refrigeradons had an internal bioluminescent organ that
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		50		Regret Man Regret Man's head consists of a single tear shed by his mother when he was born. She was sad because she had a baby with no head. See how everything works out?
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		13		regular old bat Bats cannot stand upright, and generally hang upside-down when sleeping. Their blood doesn't rush to their heads because their skulls are pressurized. The world's largest bat is the Malasian[sic]? flying fox, which weighs two pounds, has a six-foot wingspan, and eats insurance brokers. Most bats are colonial, which means they will invade the territory of other bats and set up a puppet government if given half a chance.
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		150		regular thief I tell ya, thieving has really gone downhill since the days of belt-pouches and cutpurses. Pfft this guy probably thinks a footpad is the thing that says WELCOME at your front door. He probably thinks a burglar is a kind of sandwich.
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		2		remaindered skeleton A skeleton needs a skull like a fish needs a bicycle. Seriously -- think about how much scarier a fish would be if it had a bicycle. You'd get out of the water and think "Pshew, I'm safe!" but nope! Here he comes, bearing down on you on that bicycle. There's no escape!
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		164		remains of a jilted mistress In life, the jilted mistress was quite the looker. Now she's more of a disemboweler. The jilted mistress was Lord Spookyraven's last lover before he passed away. He didn't have a whole lot of lovers after he passed away. Lord Spookyraven required that his mistresses have a thorough knowledge of wine, classical music, and the martial arts. Wait, sorry, I mean marital arts.
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		125		Renaissance Giant RenFest giants would rather pay 100 meat for a cup of wine than just beat up a monster for it like normal people. RenFest giants prefer elaborately painted wooden swords to the perfectly good metal ones available throughout the Kingdom. RenFest giants can blow glass, carve wood, forge metal and brew beer, but they're pretty lousy at debugging JavaScript, so nyeah.
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		222		Rene C. Corman "Rene C. Corman" is an anagram of "Mare Concern". It is impossible to keep a loaf of bread in Corman's apartment for more than like two days before it gets all moldy and gross. You have a walking, talking, living skeleton inside you right now! It's like you're a skeleton wearing a suit made out of meat as a disguise!
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		30		reproachful heart Reproachful hearts make the worst roommates. They never do the dishes, and they also never stop whispering horrible things to you as you sleep. When a reproachful heart gets a heart transplant, they just replace it with a different reproachful heart. A reproachful heart's favorite song is Reproachful Magic Man.
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		?		Resort Waiter Did you know that the natives of Kokomo have over 400 words for 'that feeling where sand is stuck in body crevices' The average Kokomo Resort waiter serves more than one drink every day. Possibly many more! Most waiters are not named "Walter", but they should be.
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		0		restless ghost So many people have lived and died, there's probably like three ghosts sharing your chair with you right now. You might think Boo-Berry would be a ghost's favorite cereal, but most of them think that guy's a real sell-out. Don't even ask them what they think of Casper.
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		13		revolting bugbear The original leader of the bugbear revolution, Che Bugbeara, has the distinction of appearing on the t-shirts of many young bugbears who don't actually know very much about who he was or what he stood for. One of the main things that the bugbears seem to be revolting against, is oppressive standards of beauty and personal cleanliness. To be fair, if you were enslaved by gnolls and treated as mercilessly and callously as they treat the bugbears, you probably wouldn't smell very good either.
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		14		revolving bugbear South of the equator, revolving bugbears spin counterclockwise instead of clockwise. They also eat a lot of Vegemite. Gross! The centripetal force created by the revolving bugbear's spin keeps its skin extra healthy due to the increased blood supply. The centrifugal force is imaginary. This one time, a revolving bugbear spun so fast that it turned into a supermassive black hole and destroyed the entire universe. Not this universe -- a different one. Otherwise it would be impossible for you to be reading this right now.
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		0		Ribbon-Cutting Elfborg Granted, the hivemind turned this elf a lot more violent than before, but on the other hand, all the other soldiers started tying pretty bows around the people they kill. It makes sense that a technology-focused hivemind would want to assimilate Crimbo elves; how else are they to learn the meaning of Crimbo? It is for the good of the species. The Crimborg also find this elf very useful whenever they want to dedicate a new slave-processing center or mall.
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		60		Ricardo %belmont% There's actually a little girl following Ricardo around, but I didn't mention her because I didn't want to distract you. This guy seems like he's be susceptible to mesmerism -- it's a shame you don't have a dark priest on your payroll. I bet that dark priest would be a bad mother--
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		?		Richard X Richard III was allergic to bees. Richard III was not just the third king of England to be named Richard, but in fact the third person of any kind named Richard. The fact that the first two were also kings was pure coincidence. Scientists have discovered that Richard III's hunchback was actually not particularly pronounced. Certainly not enough, as some suggest, to put his head all the way up his butthole.
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		1300		Ringogeorge, the Bladeswitcher The Mer-kin switchblade was invented as an upgrade to the standard Mer-kin stabknife, which was unswitchable. Don't confuse the Mer-kin switchblade with a regular switchblade -- they're quite different. A regular switchblade springs out of its handle, while a Mer-kin switchblade springs into your neck. The Mer-kin switchblade is basically just a double-edged knife blade at the end of a chain, which can be spun and jerked around in unpredictable ways. It sounds simple, but few manage to master it while still keeping all of their fingers and eyeballs.
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		68		roasted duck golem If you find yourself feeling bad for the ducks you see roasted and hanging in market stalls, don't. As a rule, ducks are total bastards. If you think about it, anything can be a golem. You yourself are a Skin Cells and Blood and Stuff Golem. With a skeleton hiding inside it. The breed of duck typically raised for meat also make excellent pets, even rivalling dogs for intelligence and loyalty. They also taste much better than dogs. I guess what I'm saying is, to hell with dogs.
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		90		Robonerdagon The Robonerdagon's wings used to be solar panels, but inside of the Cyrpt, it's too dark to charge The Robonerdagon's tail is a power cord, but inside of the Cyrpt, there are no outlets. The Robonerdagon's claws are just claws.
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		?		robot maid These things wouldn't work in present day houses, because they're too heavy, and would shatter our primitive tile floors. After the Robot Independence War, these things will no longer be required to clean, but will continue to do it anyway because they've been programmed to get depressed if they don't. During the Robot Independence War, they'll be used to clean up debris during the reclamation of the cities leveled by the righteous fires of the Automa-Horde.
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		30		rock homunculus The rock homunculus is mostly igneous rock, with a little bit of shale thrown in for color. The homonculus's head is a geode; if you break it open, it's full of crystals. The proper plural of homunculus is homunculi, like the plural of schoolbus is schoolbi.
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		?		Rock Pop weasel Rock Pop weasels are far more dangerous than Soft Rock weasels. Rock Pop weasels live on Rock Pops and naturally carbonated underground springs, so their belches are legendary. In fact, the song "Pop goes the Weasel" is about a weasel exploding from too much carbonation.
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		139		rock scorpion It's bad enough when a scorpion defeats you in combat, but then it always goes for the fatility. Most scorpions glow brightly in blacklight, so if you suspect someone you know is secretly a scorpion, take them to a rave. Rock scorpions are attracted to matching towels, so if you go to the desert beach, leave those at home.
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		0		rock-banging cave elf Yeah, he doesn't seem very useful now, but give him a while. Eventually, he'll invent the drums. He will also discover, via process of elimination, which rock is the strongest rock in the world. Your skull does not stand much of a chance in that particular tournament.
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		300		rockfish Rockfish have to eat pretty much constantly, to produce the energy necessary to not just sink straight to the bottom of the ocean. Rockfish aren't very good for eating, but... well, that's it really. The largest rockfish ever caught required a crane to haul it out of the water. Many fishermen are of the opinion that using a crane is basically cheating.
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		450		roller skate The roller skates are a tough crowd, but with love and perseverance you can bring them in-line. The roller skates frequently attack two at a time in what's known as a "couples' skate." Roller skates who drink and skate frequently fracture a fin or two. Let that be a lesson.
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		0		roller-skating Muse There are nine muses. This one is Cylindrica, Muse of clever roller derby names. Like, if you're a redhead, how about Ginger Fightis? Or if you're not a redhead, Anna Phylactic Shock? Bettie Rage? No, wait, I've got it: Barrelin' Monroe. You're welcome.
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		137		rolling stone Though the rolling stone is ancient, it shows no sign of either slowing down or innovating. The fastest way to neutralize a rolling stone is to paint it black. Most rolling stones are gray, but they do come in colors, too.
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		165		Ron "The Weasel" Copperhead Ron "The Weasel" Copperhead comes from a very large family... of snakes. He was raised in a nest of copperheads as a baby. Ron "The Weasel" Copperhead learned how to dislocate his jaw and swallow prey whole before he was out of diapers. Ron "The Weasel" Copperhead can also wrap his entire body into a pile of coils. It just goes to show what kids can learn if you teach 'em young enough.
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		400		rotten dolphin thief Dolphins are the smartest fish in the ocean, but not smart enough to know dolphins are mammals, not fish. Dolphins are actually communicating when it looks like they're doing tricks. For example, three front flips means "screw you," waving with a flipper while balancing on the tail means, "go jump in a lake" . . . Male dolphins have a penis that is two feet long and curved like an S. Female dolphins don't have a penis.
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		175		rotund duck The rotund duck has a genetic condition, okay? The rotund duck's so fat it can't even fit into its little sailor hat and jacket anymore. It's hard to tell where the rotund duck's chins stop and its belly rolls begin.
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		140		rubber bat The original plan was to give the bats sound effects by having someone stand in the corner making armpit farting sounds and saying "Baaaaaaats! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaats!" Eventually it was determined that it would be simpler to just not oil the mechanical arms. The guy who was going to make the armpit farting sounds is working elsewhere in the park now -- can you spot him?
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		0		Rudolph the Red Yeah, workers having a full share of the profits is a noble goal, and certainly Uncle Crimbo shouldn't be driving those little guys like a despot, but letting the elves actually run the show? I guess there's really no way to finish that thought without sounding really racist toward elves. But listen, if it were up to the elves, you'd still be getting a carved wooden horse on a string and two oranges in your Crimbo stocking.
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		0		Rudolphus of Crimborg Karl Marx probably wouldn't have been into this form of socialism, because the dress code would disallow his sweet beard. Chairman Mao probably wouldn't have liked it either, because "little red text file" doesn't have the same ring, and doesn't even make any sense. Stalin would probably have been okay with it.
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		?		rulergheist The rulergheist's spine is a yardstick, but it still has the metric measurements up one side, too. The rulergheist's feet are exactly twelve inches long. The rulergheist has started incorporating plastic and metal rulers into its arsenal, which only makes it more likely to raise a horrible welt on you.
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		140		running man Other popular rave dances similar to "The Running Man" are "Amateur Martial Artist", "Man With Bicycle Pump", and "Preening Douchebag". The glowy stuff in raver lightsticks is theoretically non-toxic, but you still probably shouldn't drink it. It isn't likely to give you superpowers, unless "defective liver" is a superpower. Ravers keep their energy for all-night danceathons by drinking a lot of "smart drinks". This is slightly ironic, and probably false advertising.
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		1		rushing bum Don't feel bad about beating up rushing bums; they all choose to be homeless and if they'd only work a little harder, they'd be millionaires! The speed of a rushing bum is equal to the distance covered divided by time. When two rushing bums collide with each other, the force generated by each bum is multiplied.
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		1		rutabaga bug A rutabaga bug will keep fresh in the refrigerator for weeks. Some people call these purple pillbugs. A rutabaga bug is actually more closely related to a turnip bug or a wild cabbage bug than it is to a potato bug.
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Unobtainable

		10		rock snake A pebbleworm is a creature similar to a rock snake, but worn smooth by river or ocean currents. Rock snakes make decent pets, but they will scuff the hell out of a hardwood floor, so be careful to keep them in their cage or on carpet. I can't think of anything else to say about the rock snake, except that it totally looks like Cookie Monster.
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References

• The Radiator's factoids are based on the slang term "rad" from the late 80's and early 90's, hence all the retro references.
• The protagonist of the film Raging Bull is as concerned about his wife's fidelity as the raging bull's first factoid is.
• The Rampaging Adding Machine's stand-up comedy is based on the way BOOBS is one of the few words that can be spelled on a calculator (you turn the number 58008 upside down).
• The Rare Criminal isn't smooth, despite his name scanning to the Michael Jackson song "Smooth Criminal." The blind-packed capsule joke refers to gacha machines (the physical ones), which have common, uncommon, and rare toys in their capsules.
• It's not the Ratbat that can't fly due to aerodynamics, it's bees. Scientists figured out how bees do it in 2005, a year before the first scene of Bee Movie was filmed.
• Raul Stamley is a slight variation on the name of KISS member Paul Stanley.
• That's So Raven was a vehicle for actress Raven-Symoné.
• The Red Butler did it, because the butler "always" does it. This refers to the 1930 novel The Door by Mary Roberts Rinehart. The butler's guilt was actually considered a shocking twist at the time, because "the help" rarely had any substantive role in mystery novels before then. It's considered a cliché now.
• The Red Fox's fake heart attacks are similar to Fred Sanford's. Fred Sanford was played by actor Red Foxx.
• The Rock Scorpion's fatality fact is a reference to the Mortal Kombat video game series, which featured a fighter named Scorpion.
• Ron "The Weasel" Copperhead's name is a reference to the Harry Potter character Ron Weasley.
• The Rotund Duck's little sailor hat and jacket refer of course to Donald Duck.