O Cap'm, My Cap'm

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If you're looking for quick stat island coordinates: Mus(56,14); Myst(23,66); Mox(13,91).

O Cap'm, My Cap'm
O Cap'm, My Cap'm

As you're gallivanting around on the Poop Deck (which is far better than what you usually do on the Gallivant deck,) you find yourself standing next to the ship's steering wheel. Atop the wheel sits Cap'm Caronch's big tall pirate hat.

"Look at me," you say, picking up the hat and putting it on while affecting a thick piratical accent, "I'm the Cap'm! Sail this! Swab that! Avast the other!"

While you're enjoying yourself, the ship's navigator (you can tell he's the navigator because he's short, wears wire-framed glasses and has long gray hair and a beard, and navigators are always short, always wear wire-framed glasses, and always have long gray hair and beards) approaches you.

"Cap'm. If we're going to go on another booty run, we'll have to replenish the ship's stores of grog, food, and por-... ahem, reading materials. It's going to cost about 977 Meat. Give or take."

Strange that he doesn't talk like a pirate. Also, those glasses evidently don't work particularly well, and he thinks you're actually Cap'm Caronch. Would you like to take this opportunity to live like a pirate?

Front the meat and take the wheel
  • With 977 Meat:

Leads to Set an Open Course for the Virgin Booty.

  • Without 977 Meat:

The navigator looks at you sadly as you open your wallet and a moth flies out. Try again when you've got the Meat?

Step away from the helm

You replace the Cap'm's hat and step away from the wheel, leaving the navigator standing, confused, in the middle of the Poop Deck.

Occurs on the Poop Deck.


  • Receiving this adventure removes it from the possible adventures in the Poop Deck for 29 adventures. That is, the next 29 times you attempt to adventure in the Poop Deck, you will not receive this adventure. Skipped combats will decrease this counter. Though it doesn't cost an adventure, the extra combat with an eldritch tentacle that you get while under the Eldritch Attunement effect also decreases the counter.
  • Stepping away does not use an adventure.
  • If too many adventures are spent in the Poop Deck during a single ascension this adventure will stop occurring. Current estimate is 216 adventures in the zone.


Show the tropical island volcano lair map to the navigator

You show the navigator your secret tropical island volcano lair map. "Actually, I'd like to get to this secret tropical island volcano lair marked here."

"Hmm," he says. "Well, that looks to be in the region of 22, 32 or thereabouts. I've gotta tell ya, though, Cap'm, we've been there many a time, and never saw nothin' of note."

"Still, I'd like to check it out."

"Well, you're the Cap'm, Cap'm." The sailors get to work hoisting the various lines and battening the various hatches, and soon you're on your way.

After a while the ship comes to a halt and the navigator nods at you. "Well, here we are," he says. "Like I told ya, nothin' much to see." You borrow a spyglass and search the empty waves, but are forced to conclude that he's right -- this part of the ocean stretches out featurelessly in every direction. You glance back at the navigator, who rechecks his calculations and looks back at you, shrugging.

For many long minutes you survey the scene, confident that there is no mistake -- what you're searching for must be here, but somehow hidden from your sight. Gradually you become aware of a subtle wrongness in the scene, as though the sunlight isn't reflecting upon the waves in quite the way it ought to be, or perhaps the movement of the waves themselves is wrong...

You lower the spyglass and squint into the distance. Striding back and forth along the railing of the deck, covering first one eye and then the other, you try to focus your eyes on the nothing in front of you, like doing one of those Magic Eye things you've never been able to get the hang of.


"Screw it," you mutter, picking up a human skull mounted decoratively (and conveniently) on the deck-railing and hurling it with all your strength. It sails approximately four feet before ricocheting off of thin air with a loud crack! A spiderweb of jagged lines appears in front of you, spreading and splintering until the very surface of reality shatters with a deafening crash and falls into the sea as glittering mirror-bright shards.

You shake your head until your eyes uncross, and there it is before you -- the tropical island volcano lair of your Nemesis, a forbidding mass of dense, untamed jungle and rocky cliffs, with smoke drifting lazily yet menacingly from the central mountain. You know that soon, this battle will be at an end.

The navigator prepares a rowboat for you and offers to wait, should you need to return to the mainland.


You take a quick row around the island for reconnaissance, marking your map with its main features, the most prominent of which is a large cave partway up the slope of the volcano. This, undoubtedly, is where Gorgolok has made his lair. The rocky western coast of the island appears to have been given over to a huge brood of young seals, happily frolicking about and playing their cheerful seal games, such as "Disembowel the Slow and Weak". You also note a large palm tree on the southern beach that appears to have some sort of small shelter or something built atop it.

You pull your rowboat up onto the beach and conceal it beneath some palm fronds, and ready yourself for action. It's time to put an end to this Nemesis bullcrap once and for all.

(Unlocks the Secret Tropical Island Volcano Lair (Seal Clubber)')

You row around the island for a bit to survey the landscape. For the most part, it's just featureless jungle, but you spot some kind of stone fortification built up against the side of the volcano, and further walled in with chain-link fence. As you drag your rowboat up onto the beach, you spot someone hiding (not very successfully) in the bushes near the compound.

(Unlocks the Secret Tropical Island Volcano Lair (Turtle Tamer))

As you row around the island, checking out the layout, you spot an elaborate temple entrance built up against the side of the volcano. The elaborate columns and stone steps of the temple portico have a sort of oddness about them that you can't quite figure out at this distance, but you figure you'll be seeing them close-up soon enough.

A lone figure is marching up and down the beach a short distance from the temple, waving a sign on a stick. You pull your boat up onto the shore nearby.

(Unlocks the Secret Tropical Island Volcano Lair (Pastamancer))

As you row up to the island, what immediately catches your eye is a huge gleaming construction of glass and metal (that you guess must be some kind of building, or massive abstract sculpture, or both), which is built up to the side of the volcano.

You spot a small boat pulled up onto the beach, and park near it.

(Unlocks the Secret Tropical Island Volcano Lair (Sauceror))

As you row toward the island, you become aware of a loud, repetitive thumping noise, which grows steadily in volume as you get nearer. There appears to be a small building on the side of the mountain, with a long snaking line of people -- mainly teenagers and twenty-somethings in colorful and baggy clothes -- leading up to it. You drag your rowboat up onto the shore, near a dour-looking girl in a black dress.

(Unlocks the Secret Tropical Island Volcano Lair (Disco Bandit))

You swing around the island in your rowboat to check it out -- to "case the joint", as it were. The most notable feature is an elegant white hacienda built partway up the side of the island's central volcano -- undoubtedly this is Somerset Lopez's headquarters. It overlooks a sprawling adobe structure that looks like it must be the barracks/fortress of Lopez's bandits, mariachis, and other assorted goons -- you can tell by the broken beer bottles, occasional bullet hole, and poor lawn maintenance. You wouldn't say it looks as if a bomb hit it, but if that were to happen it might be an improvement.

Further down the coast squats a small beleaguered-looking village. You see a row of ramshackle old fishing boats tied in front of a ramshackle old pier, and a cluster of ramshackle old huts with their front walks being swept by ramshackle old grannies.

Securing your boat out of the way, you head in for a closer look.

(Unlocks the Secret Tropical Island Volcano Lair (Accordion Thief))


  • The title of this adventure is a reference to the poem "O Captain! My Captain!" by Walt Whitman.
  • The title also references "The Cap'm," a song by They Might Be Giants.
  • The Pretenders' "Pirate Radio Boxset" includes the song "977" (originally from their "Last of the Independents" album). The group also hosts a website titled "Pretenders 977 Radio." As you are only pretending to be a pirate, the cost is rather fitting.
  • The accept quest text may be a reference to a line from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
  • The skull-shattering-reality scene is a reference to the Terry Gilliam movie Time Bandits.