Penne Dreadful/Old

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Penne Dreadful

Penne Dreadful

The Penne Dreadful is a Pasta Guardian which Pastamancers can call upon in combat under certain conditions. By using wine-soaked bone chips a Pastamancer can establish a connection with a Penne Dreadful.

Once connected, the Pastamancer can then summon it in combat. It will give combat messages throughout the fight and increase food, booze, and item drops.

Combat Messages

  • When summoning it:
You calm your mind, and imagine a skeletal assembly of penne. A lone saxophone breaks the night's stillness as it appears and <name> possesses it.
  • Occasionally during combat:
  • <name> says, "the mook who was bankrolling me was like a bull in a china shop. Scratch that, he was like a bull in a whole town made out of china. I wanted him to slow down, catch his breath, but that's china town."
  • <name>'s voiceover says, "I wanted to go cherchez la femme, but dames never go for guys like me. I'm a deadbeat, and a drunk, and my body's made out of pasta. I'd never be al dente enough for the right kind of dame."
  • <name>'s voiceover says, "it was a dark night in the Kingdom that never sleeps, but watching this mook try and fight was making my eyes heavier than a sandbag full of lead. Um, lead sand. Shut up."
  • <name>'s voiceover says, "I wanted this fight to be over so I could go interrogate a promising suspect: a flask full of bourbon. I figured the interrogation would go on until one of us passed out."
  • <name>'s voiceover says, "the adventurer fought like a shark. Unfortunately, he fought like a shark on the deck of a boat -- it was mostly flopping and gasping, with the occasional lucky hit."
  • At the end of a combat with booze drops:
  • <name> bends close to the ground, and his voiceover says, "I saw a gleam of light on the ground, like the last bright flash of a dying sun. I didn't think it was a clue. No one would just hand you a clue just like that. The universe just isn't that kind. But it did look like a drink -- not soda pop, but a real drink, the kind that helps you forget that the universe isn't kind."
  • At Level 5 or higher at the end of a combat with food drops:
  • <name> squints through his magnifying glass, and his voiceover says, "I needed to concentrate on the case, but my brain was bald and my stomach was trying to mix up a batch of cement. My brain needed some hair of the dog, and my stomach needed something to stop it trying to eat itself from the inside. I couldn't be sure -- hope's a dangerous thing, more dangerous than dames, and it can make a man see things that just aren't there -- but I thought I saw something I needed."
  • At Level 10:
  • <name> crawls on all fours, squinting through his magnifying glass. His voiceover says, "I was desperate. I'd take anything: a clue, a drink, a snack, a nap, a shave, or the red-and-white bloomers of Red Betty the Dancing Doll. Just as that last little moth of hope flew a kamikaze run straight into that black candle of despair, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. When you're looking for everything, sometimes it's enough to find anything. But usually, what you find just sets you searching for something else. Clues lead to clues, and in the end, it always leads to a dame."


Penne Dreadful names follow a specific pattern - they begin with a man's first name and end with one associated with detective stories (such as "Danger", "Gently", "Gray", "Malone", "Noir", "Slade", "Sloan"). Some examples are "Ace Noir", "Cliff Slade", "Mitch Malone", and "Nick Danger".


See Also


  • The name of this guardian is a pun on the phrase "penny dreadful", cheap fiction in the 19th century, and Penne pasta.
  • One of the quips references the classic detective film Chinatown.
  • The possible names reference a number of fictional "private eyes". These include Dirk Gently by Douglas Adams and possibly Ace Malone of Both the first and last names of Guy Noir are also used; he is the central character of a recurring skit on A Prairie Home Companion by Garrison Keillor. Episodes of the latter usually begin "It was a dark night, in a city that knows how to keep its secrets." This may be the inspiration for one of the voiceover messages. "Nick Danger" was the main character in a parody of radio detective dramas performed and recorded by The Firesign Theatre.