Player Hit Messages

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Messages for new weapons, as they are added, such as Bazookas and Claws!

When hitting in combat with any weapon:

You hit <it> for X damage. SMACK! ZOT! WHAM!

On September 12, 2006, "The old, boring "You hit for X damage" messages in monster fights [were] augmented with more specific messages based on your weapon and the monster you're fighting."

Unarmed

See the Kung Fu Hustler page for messages with that skill.

Without Kung Fu Hustler:

Just like the baker works because he kneads the dough, you kneed it for X damage.
You get no kick from champagne, but you give it a couple of kicks for X damage.
You give him a couple of limp-wristed smacks, followed with some firm-wristed punches, for X damage.
You give it a couple of knuckle sandwiches with relish. Er, I mean, you relish giving it a knuckle sandwich, for X damage.
You headbutt him for X damage. That's using your head!
You kick it in the most groin-looking parts of it you can find, doing X damage.
You know fighting like the back of your hand, so you backhand him for X damage.
You poke it for X damage. Since this isn't the Book of Faces, you don't wait for it to poke you back.
You throw an elbow at him for X damage, you dirrrty fighter, you.
You're feeling a little punchy, so you punch it for X damage.

Accordions

Your legendary accordion skills prove too much for <it> to handle, and <it> suffers X damage.
You play a song on your accordion. The resonant frequencies deal X to your opponent. It's the resonant frequencies, not the quality of your playing. Honest.
You belt out a tune on your accordion. <It> winces, suffering X damage.
You play a tune on your accordion, dealing X damage to your opponent's eardrums.
You play a song on the accordion. Your opponent tries to cover <its> ears, but accidentally bangs <its> elbow, suffering X damage.

stolen accordion only:

You roll out the barrel. The barrel of PAIN. You do X damage.
You play a haunting melody on your stolen accordion. Even though half the keys are missing and the bellows leak, it still does X damage.
You give up on clever tune-based attacks and just whack <it> with one end of your stolen accordion for X damage.
You play a rock 'n' roll tune on your stolen accordion. <It> describes it as 'quirky,' so you smack <it> for X damage.
You bring the accordion's bellows together rapidly, pinching <it> between the folds. <It> bellows in pain and takes X damage.

Axes

You make a dumb joke centered around the phrase "and my axe," and then hit <it> with your <axe> for X damage.
You axe <it> a question. Specifically, "What does it feel like to have just been hit for X damage?"
You use your <axe> to give <it> a cloven foot, dealing X damage in the process.
You axe <it> a question. Namely, "would you like to be hit for X damage?" Apparently, the answer is "yes."
With one swift blow, you cleave <its> skull, dealing X damage.

Ax of L'rose only:

You use your illusion, which is ineffective. Then you use your Ax to hit for X damage.
You welcome <it> to the jungle. Your welcome basket consists of X whacks to the face.
You hax <it> with your Ax for X damage. Your appetite for destruction is briefly quenched.
You hit <it> a little, but a little doesn't do it, so you hit <it> more and more. You do X damage.

heavy metal thunderrr guitarrr only:

You play a lightning fast Malmsteen-esque MEEDLY MEEDLY MEEDLY riff. Your opponent writhes and takes X damage.
Your heavy metal thunderrr guitarrr goes SKREEDLY MEEDLY MEEDLY WEEEOW SKRRRRANG for X damage.
You play a song by Maiden. MAAAAIIIDEN! Your opponent sustains X damage from head-banging-induced whiplash.
You smash your perfectly good guitar against <it>. If <it> thinks <it> won't take X damage, <it> has got another thing coming.

Banjos

Tested: stone banjo, Disco Banjo (all banjos tested)

Generic banjo messages:

You pick out a ditty on your banjo. <It> winces, suffering X damage.
You pick out a wicked little ditty on your <banjo>. Your opponent attempts to duel you, but fails, sustaining X damage.
You grin and pick out a tune on your banjo. The resultant sound waves deal X damage to your opponent.
You grin, shuffle your feet, and pick out a ditty on your banjo. <It> covers his ears, but is unable to avoid taking X damage from the aforementioned ditty.

stone banjo only:

A tune rolls out of your stone banjo, stoning <it> for X damage. <It> shouldn't feel so all alone, though.

Disco Banjo only:

You plunk out "I will Survive" on your banjo. It sounds horrible, but if you keep hitting for X damage like this, it's bound to be prophetic.
You make like a hillbilly Pete Townshend and smash your banjo over <its> head for X damage.
You play some country disco, doing X damage, which is the way (uh huh uh huh) you like it (uh huh uh huh)

Bazookas

Boomerangs

You throw the boomerang at <it>, dealing X damage. Then the boomerang flies back and you catch it. Oi!
You throw the boomerang at <it>, but miss. Luckily, it hits <it> on the way back, dealing X damage.

star boomerang only:

You hit for X damage with your boomerang. Crikey! (R.I.P. Steve Irwin)
You fend off the drop bears long enough to throw your star boomerang for X damage.
You hit with your star boomerang for X damage. G'day, mate! Well...for you, at least.
You throw another shrimp on the barbie. And by "shrimp," I mean "boomerang," and by "on the barbie," I mean "at your opponent." You do X damage.
You hit him coming and going with your star boomerang.

Bows

You arrow <it> for X damage. (Hahah.)
You hit for X damage with the bow. Take a bow!

bubble bauble bow only:

Baubles, bangles, and beads assist you in hitting <it> for X damage.
You don't bungle or boffle the bauble bow - in fact, you shoot and hit for X damage.
You take careful aim, not distracted by the shiny baubles or the popping bubbles, and hit for X damage.

slightly peevedbow only:

You fire another somewhat annoying volley from your slightly peevedbow, hitting for X damage.
You know what really grinds my gears? When someone shoots me for X damage with a slightly peevedbow.
You let loose a volley of peeves from your slightly peevedbow, hitting <it> for X damage.
You know what I hate? Taking X damage from a slightly peevedbow. I'm sure your opponent feels the same way.
You fire a bolt from your slightly peevedbow, hitting (and annoying) <it> for X damage.

Chefstaves

You whack <it> with your staff, doing X damage. Y'know, this thing'd probably work better if you used it to cast spells, instead of as a long stick.
You clonk <it> on the head with your chefstaff, dealing a measly X damage. If Jarlsberg were here to see this, he'd probably say "You're doin' it wrong."
You do a low sweep with your <chefstaff>, knocking <its> legs out from under <it>. <It> comes crashing to the ground, taking X damage.
You smack your opponent in the elbow with your <chefstaff>. It only deals X damage, because that's not really what a <chefstaff> is designed for...
You pretend it is a piñata. Your repeated whacking fails to yield any candy, sadly, but it does do X damage.
Only against an angry piñata:

You're holding a long stick. You're fighting a piñata. You let nature take its course for X damage.

Staff of the Walk-In Freezer only:

You cold-cock him with your Staff of the Walk-In Freezer, doing X damage.
You smack him for X damage. Man, that was cold.
You give it an icy stare, then smack it with your Staff of the Walk-In Freezer, which is far more effective, and does X damage.

Staff of the Grand Flambé only:

You smack him with the business end of your Staff of the Grand Flambé for X damage. Feels like burning!
You heatedly smack it for X damage.
You hit the monster, do X damage, and it's hot hot hot (oh, Lord!)

Staff of the Grease Trap only:

It's a (grease) trap! You whack him for X oleaginous damage.
You swing your Staff of the Grease Trap faster than greased lightnin', hitting for X damage.
You smack them with the business end of your Staff of the Grease Trap, doing X damage and leaving a stain that'll never come out.

Staff of the Kitchen Floor only:

You smack it for X damage, then tell it if pro can't take the pain, get out of the kitchen. Floor.
You whack it with your Staff of the Kitchen Floor, completely flooring it and doing X damage.
You whack it with your Staff of the Kitchen Floor, smearing various cruft on it and doing X damage.

Claws

Instead of getting <him/her/it> next time, Gadget, next time, you slash with your claw for X damage.
Nobody has seen a talking claw, but you've just seen one slash for X damage.
You claw your way to the top (of <him/her/it>, doing X damage).
You don't believe in Santa Claus, but you do believe in bloody claws, so you slash with yours for X damage.
You lay down the law with your claw, hitting for X damage.
You stick your claw in your opponent's craw, doing X damage.
You use your vanity claw to give <him/her/it> a dental flaw (and do X damage).
You're quick on the draw with your claw, hitting for X damage and leaving <him/her/it> in awe.
Your claw is a claw, and it hits for X damage like a claw.
Your claw isn't the famous Mr. Klaw, but it will suffice for doing X damage.
On critical hit:
- You backhand <him/her/it> with your <claw>, then slash with the claw side for a total of X damage.

Clubs

You viciously bludgeon <it>, dealing X damage.
You club <it> like there's no tomorrow, doing X damage.
You give your opponent a nasty case of club elbow. By which I mean you club <its> elbow for X damage.
You club <it> upside the head for X damage.
You deliver a Pesci-esque blow to the back of <its> head. X points worth of blood ooze out of <its> ears.
You pull a Tonya Harding, hiring a random passerby to hit <it> in the knee with your club for X damage.
You hit <it> in the ear with your club, dealing X damage. That had to hurt.
The first rule of hitting with a club is you do not talk about hitting with a club. The second rule of hitting with a club is you do X damage.
You give <it> a knuckle sandwich, and since <it> still looks hungry, you follow up with a club sandwich for X damage.
You induct <it> into the clubbed club, clubbing them for X damage.

Bjorn's Hammer only:

You hold up the hammer, shout "By the power of Bjorn's Skull!" and smack your opponent for a whopping X damage.

clown hammer only:

Replaces the usual "WHACK! BAM! ZOT!" messages with "SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!"

homoerotic frat-paddle only:

You realize <it>'s been naughty, and paddle <it> for X damage. Gah, I feel dirty just for saying that.
You accidentally turn your homoerotic frat-paddle sideways as you swing, bruising <its> spinal cord for X damage.
You smack <it> with your homoerotic frat-paddle. <It> doesn't say, "thank you sir, may I have another?", but you give <it> one anyway, for X damage.

seal-clubbing club only:

You pretend that <it>'s a seal, and club the crap out of <it> for X damage.
You realize you're never gonna survive unless you get a little crazy, so you crazily bash <it> with your seal-clubbing club for X damage.
You pretend <it>'s a Christmas Seal, and festively club them for X damage.
You compare <it> to a kiss from a rose on the grey. Then you introduce <it> to a kiss from your club on <its> face (for X damage).
You use your seal-clubbing club to usher <it> into the exclusive "I Just Took X Damage" club.

Maxwell's Silver Hammer only:

Your mother should know that you just did X damage with Maxwell's Silver Hammer.
You beat <it> with Maxwell's Silver Hammer until <its> insides are out and <its> outsides are in.
Bang, bang! You bring Maxwell's Silver Hammer down upon <its> head for X damage.
You hit for X damage with Maxwell's Silver Hammer, while Rose and Valerie cheer you on from the gallery. Uh, that gallery over there.
You give Maxwell's Silver Hammer a magical mystery tour of your opponent's innards, doing X damage.
You say you wanna cause contusions? Well, y'know... you just hit for X damage.
You give <it> a ticket to ride the pain wagon, smacking <it> for X damage with Maxwell's Silver Hammer.

plexiglass pikestaff only:

Your motives, as well as your weapon, are transparent as you hit <it> for X damage.
You slash <it> with the razor-sharp pike at the end of your pike for X damage.
You leap into the air, grab your toes, do a somersault, and thrust forward with your pike as you land. You spear <it> for X damage.
You smack <it> with the pike at the end of your pike. It's clear that the fishes are not so delicious, but actually quite painful. You do X damage.
You spin your plexiglass pikestaff, bonking <it> with the butt end and slashing with the sharp, fishy end for X damage.

Crossbows

You aim and fire. You miss, but the bolt ricochets off a nearby wall (or tree, if you're outdoors,) and hits <it> for X damage.
You let loose a bolt (not to be confused with loosening a nut) and <it> him for X damage.
You try to be fancy and fire off three bolt at the same time. It doesn't work very well, and only one of them actually hits. <It> hits for only X damage and makes you look quite foolish as well.
You hear a soft plink sound as your crossbow bolt hits for X damage.
You dive for cover, and everything goes into slow-motion as you shoot <it> for X damage in midair. It's all very dramatic.
You get ready, you aim, and you fire your <crossbow name> at <it>, hitting for X damage
Only against creatures with heads:

Oh no, you shot Marvin in the face! Provided that this monster's name is Marvin. In any case, it did X damage.

Only against creatures with legs:

You shoot <it> in the shoulder, dealing X damage. Man, that's gotta hurt.

Only against creatures with wings:

You clip <it> wing with the crossbow, dealing X damage. Maybe next time you could clip his nails, instead.

Sometimes (Reason yet unknown):

You shoot <it> in the gut for X damage. Harvey Keitel wanders by, and says "Along with the kneecap, the gut is a most painful area a guy can get shot in." Your opponent nods in agreement.

bottle-rocket crossbow only:

You fire a patriotic bolt from your bottle-rocket crossbow, hitting for truth, justice, and X damage.
You let loose a bolt from the blue, provided you've named your bottle-rocket crossbow "Blue." Blue's bolt hits for X damage.

dense meat crossbow only:

You let loose a dense, meaty bolt at the dense, meaty monster. <it> takes X points of damage.
You prove you're not dense or meaty by letting a dense, meaty bolt fly, hitting <it> for X damage.

Drums

You bang on your <drum>, creating a shockwave that knocks <it> on <its> ass and deals X damage.
You beat the <drum> ominously. <It> gets nervous, and suffers X damage worth of heebie-jeebies.
You play the <drum> for a while, then get bored and throw it at your opponent, dealing X damage.
You yell as loudly as you can while playing the <drum> even louder. Your opponent cringes, suffering X damage from the auditory assault.
You play an epic solo on the <drum>. Your opponent is impressed, to the tune of X damage.
You bang on the drum all day, doing X damage with your sound waves. Well, it beats working.

jungle drum only:

You bang on your jungle drum. <It> screams, "Jungle drum! It's driving me mad! It's making me crazy!" and takes X damage.

Flails

You whirl your <flail> around, admiring the nice whistling sound it makes. Then you brain your opponent with it, admiring the nice thumping sound it makes, and the X damage it deals.
You wrap the flexible part of your <flail> around her neck and squeeze X points' worth of breath out of <it>.
You flail your <flail> wildly and bash <it> in the face for X damage.
You swing your <flail> and clock <it> with the meaningful end, cleaning her clock to the tune of X damage.
You flail around aimlessly for a while, then begin flailing around with a purpose -- that purpose being the infliction of X damage on your foe.

Chelonian Morningstar only:

You bring the morningstar down hard on <it>, terra-pinning <it> beneath it for X damage.
You whirl the morningstar around your head like some kind of turtle ninja, bashing <it> for X damage.
You snap the chain of the mace like a snapping turtle, bashing <it> for X damage.
You shell out X damage with your Chelonian Morningstar.
You give <it> several hard turtle whacks, doing X damage. Get it?
You slowly and steadily bash <it> with your Chelonian Morningstar, doing a tenacious X damage.

duck-on-a-string only:

You do some fancy flailwork with your duck-on-a-string. Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! <It> takes X damage.
You flail at <it> with your duck-on-a-string, hitting for X damage. Isn't it just too damn real, one white duck on a string?
You flail wildly with your duck-on-a-string. The string wraps around <it> and the duck bonks <it> in the nose.
You shout, "DUCK!" and smack <it> with the duck-on-a-string. You both enjoy a good laugh, as <it> takes X damage.
You smack <it> with your duck-on-a-string. <It> quacks up for X damage.

lucky ball-and-chain only:

You flail wildly with your lucky ball-and-chain, doing X damage. Now <it> is forty years gone.
You shake your tiny fist and swear you weren't wrong, then hit with your lucky ball-and-chain for X damage.
You ponder the time bomb in your mind, then hit with your lucky ball-and-chain for X damage.
You decide you're sick of <it> and all his rattlin' on, and hit with your lucky ball-and-chain for X damage.
You throw away your baby doll, then hit with your lucky ball-and-chain for X damage.

spooky bicycle chain only:

You deliver a spooky smackdown with your spooky bicycle chain, doing X damage and covering <it> in spooky grease (which is the spooky word).
You flail wildly with your spooky bicycle chain, leaving scratches and grease-marks all over <it>. Oh, and doing X damage.
You hit for X damage with your spooky bicycle chain, adding this foe to the chain of fools you've already defeated.
You manage to do X damage with the bicycle chain. It's hard to use a bicycle chain as a weapon, but it beats using the whole bicycle.
You smack <it> with the spooky bicycle chain for X damage. A bicycle chain's a weird weapon, but it works better than the bicycle shorts you tried before.

vampire duck-on-a-string only:

Vampire duck, won't you cluck, and bite for X damage? Vampire duck, won't you cluck, won't you cluck?
You dig through the ditches and burn through the witches and slam it in the back with your duckula, for X damage.
You smack <it> with your vampire duck-on-a-string. The duck sinks its fangs into <its>, draining X points' worth of precious, precious ichor.
You flail at <it> with your vampire duck-on-a-string, hitting for X damage. Isn't it just too damn real, vampire duck on a string?
You shout, "DUCK!" and smack it with the vampire duck-on-a-string. You both enjoy a good laugh, as it takes X damage.
You count X damage points as the vampire duck sinks its fangs into your opponent. Good night out there, whatever you are.
You swing the vampire duck-on-a-string at <it>. Its dark wings flap in the night, inspiring X points' worth of terror in your opponent.

wiffle-flail only:

You smack <it> like this, you smack <it> like that, you smack <it> with your wiffle-ball flail. (Buggy: No damage listed)
You swing your wiffle-flail. The wiffle-ball flies erratically and smacks <it> for X damage.
You waffle on whether to wiffle, then decide you will and hit for X damage.
You whip the wiffle flail at <it>, smacking <it> right between the eyes for X damage.
You whirl the wiffle-flail around your head, then whip <it> with it for X damage.

Flutes

You play a badass heavy metal solo on your <flute>, garnering a questionable Grammy win and doing X damage.
You toot on your flute for X damage. You wonder if it'd be harder to tutor two tudors to toot.
You flaunt your flautist skills, flouting <its> plans to not take X damage.

charming flute only:

You play a tune on your charming flute, hypnotizing your opponent. Then you make <it> hit <itself> for X damage.

infernal fife only:

You play a jaunty tune on your fife, feeling as cocky as if you had a bullet in your pocket. The shrill notes do X damage.
You play a shrill tune on your fife, tying your opponent into knots for X damage, Don.

ocarina of space only:

You play a tune on your ocarina of space that reduces the amount of space between the top and bottom of your opponent, squishing <it> for X damage.
You play a tune that doubles the amount of space between the top and bottom of your opponent, stretching <it> for X damage.
You play a haunting tune on your ocarina of space. One of the moons swings close to Loathing and crushes <it> for X damage. Man, that's going to mess up the tides something fierce.

Guitars

4-dimensional guitar only:

You play a blistering solo on your 4-dimensional guitar. Another adventurer runs in from two rooms away and beats your opponent(s) for X damage.
You play a non-Euclidean tune on your 4-dimensional guitar, confusing <it> for X damage.
You play a solo on the 4-dimensional guitar. It comes out as the smell of old leather and the taste of a ripe strawberry, but still does X damage.
You try to play screedly meedly screeeeeOOOWW on your 4-dimensional guitar. It comes out as a shade of blue and the smell of freshly-baked bread, but still does X damage.

acoustic guitarrr only:

You play an acoustic version of a rock-and-roll ballad. <It> tries to hold up a lighter in tribute, and burns <it> self for X damage.
You play an acoustic version of a country-and-western song. <It> gets an achy, breaky heart and takes X damage.
You play an acoustic version of a heavy metal song. It's not the greatest song ever, but it's certainly a good tribute, and just hearing it makes <it> take X damage.
You play an acoustic version of "American Pie." Around verse eight, <it> falls asleep and smacks <its> head on a rock for X damage.
You swing your acoustic guitarrr over your head and bring it crashing down on <it> for X damage, feeling vaguely Townshend-y.

half-sized guitar only:

You play "Dos Arbolecitos" on your half-sized guitar, hitting it for X damage.
You play "Tiptoe through the Tulips." <It> tries to tiptoe, and crashes to the ground for X damage.
You play a high-pitched rendition of "La Cucaracha." A bunch of stumbling cockroaches stagger over <it>, skeeving <it> out for X damage.
You play a tinny version of "Cielito Lindo," rattling <it> for X damage.

out-of-tune biwa only:

You flail wildly at the strings of your biwa, producing an out-of-tune cacophony. <It> cover(s) <its> ears and shrieks^[sic], taking X damage.
You play the classic generic-vaguely-asian-sounding riff on your biwa. It shudders and takes X cliche damage.
You play the classic tune, "Secret Asian Man" on your biwa. It takes X bad pun damage.
You try and play a heavy metal cover on your biwa. The results are painful, at least to your opponent. <It> takes X damage.
You try and sing along with the biwa, hoping you'll both be so far out of tune you'll go out the other side. It doesn't work, but it does deal X damage to your opponent.

plastic guitar only:

You play a blistering riff on your plastic guitar. In your head it goes screedly meedly reeeow, but your opponent just hear click click click. Still, you do X damage.
You play a flawless series of clicks on all five buttons, feeling like a guitar hero in a rock band. Your self-delusion hits <it> for X damage.
You play a tune of your own composition on the plastic guitar. It goes a little something like click click click click. Your opponent takes X damage from the annoying noise.
You play that classic plastic guitar tune, "click click clickety click." <It> winces with each click, taking a total of X damage.

Horns

a butt tuba only:

You play an impromptu tuba solo. <It> doesn't appreciate your artistic expression, and suffers X damage.
You play some heavy metal on your tuba. Get it? Heavy metal? 'Cause the tuba's heavy and made of metal? Ah, forget it. You do X damage.
You play a little oom-pah, oom-pah on your a butt tuba, doing X damage. Man, what's that smell?
You play an extremely low note on your tuba. It sounds exactly the way the mouthpiece smells, and does X damage.

dented harmonica only:

You play a sad, bluesy riff on your harmonica. <It> starts to cry, taking X melancholy damage.
You put on your yarmulke and play the harmonica. Well, you don't really have a yarmulke, but your playing is so bad it does X damage to your opponent.
You huff and puff wildly through the harmonica, playing a blistering succession of notes. <It> gets X damage worth of blisters.
You play a ten-minute solo on your harmonica. <It> bashes <itself> with a rock to make the pain stop, taking X damage.

knob bugle only:

You play 'taps' on your bugle. Apparently it's some kind of sad song about beer. <It> sobs quietly, taking X damage.
You play a piercing high note on your bugle, piercing <it> for X damage
You blow eight to the bar, in boogie rhythm. <It> gets the boogie-woogie flu, taking X damage.
You play "Also Sprach Zarathustra" on your bugle. <It> takes X damage from a nearby space fetus.
You play reveille on your bugle. It snaps to attention so hard that it takes X damage.

Knives

You use your <knife> to cut like a knife. But it feels so right. To you, that is, not to your enemy, who takes X damage.
You indulge in a little hack 'n' slash with your <knife>. The hacking doesn't seem to be very effective (and you really should see a doctor about that), but the slashing does X damage.
You stab wildly with your <knife>. Your form is sloppy, but fortunately stabbing isn't really an exact science. You manage to deal X damage. (Used to have a minor bug - the damage number was reported instead of the weapon name as well as in the right place.)
You toss the <knife> from hand to hand, shuffling back and forth in a carefully choreographed pattern, then lunge at <it> and stab <it> for X damage.
You grip your <knife> and get all stabby on him, dealing X damage.

asparagus knife only:

The pain of being dumped right before the prom cuts like a knife, but not as effectively or literally as the cut you make with your asparagus knife. You do X damage.
You do a little stabbity-stabbity with your asparagus knife, dealing X to your opponent, as well as making his/her/its blood smell funny.

batblade only:

You smack <it> with the flat of your batblade for X damage. Holy angry welt, batblade!
You poke several holes in <it> with your batblade, for X damage. Holey opponent, batblade!

Cloaca-Cola-issue combat knife only:

You stab <it> with your Cloaca-Cola-issue combat knife. You can't beat the feeling of having just stabbed <it>, and <it> can't help taking X damage.
You shout "Cloaca-Cola is it!" and stab <it> with your Cloaca-Cola-issue combat knife for X damage.
You slash <it> with your Cloaca-Cola-issue combat knife, making him catch the wave (the wave of mutilation, that is) for X damage.

Dr. Hobo's scalpel only:

You make a bix "X" on <it> with your scalpel. X never, ever marks the spot, but in this case, it marks the spot where you did X damage.
You slash with your scalpel, and <it> chooses to step forward rather than dodge. <It> chose...poorly, and takes X damage.
You slash <it> with the scalpel, taking X points of <its> precious hit points. Looks like there is nothing <it> can possess that you cannot take away.

huge mirror shard only:

You reflect moonslight off the huge mirror shard, blinding <it> for X damage.
You reflect on the combat at hand, then stab <it> for X damage. Get it? REFLECT?

ice sickle only:

You slash <it> with your it , reaping X damage. Since your opponent isn't Mary, <it> now fears you.
You slash <it> with your ice sickle for X damage, Comrade
You administer X points of frozen, sharp damage with your ice sickle. It's much more effective than the pop sickle you were using earlier
You slash <it> with your ice sickle, reaping X damage. Which means at some point you must have sown X damage

sabre teeth only:

You use the sabre-teeth to masticate your opponent for X damage. Stop snickering; it means "to chew."
You stick the sabre-teeth in your mouth, then sink them into your opponent's jugular. Eww! A mouthful of blood! At least you did X damage.

star stiletto only:

You stab <it> with your stiletto for X damage. What a heel!
You stab <it> with your star stiletto for X damage. It's certainly no ghetto stiletto.

Pistols

You shoot <it> for X damage. You consider asking <it> some questions, but decide to do it later.
You point at your opponent and say "BANG." Then you remember that you've got your <pistol> handy, so you shoot it with it for X damage.
You fire the <pistol>, making some fake "pew pew pew" noises. The <pistol>, on the other hand, makes some real <pistol> noises, as it deals X damage.
Not wanting to go off half-cocked, you fully cock your <pistol> and fire it at your opponent, dealing X damage.
You squeeze off a few rounds at him, dealing X damage (rounded up.)

astral pistol only:

X bullets fly from your pistol, piercing <it> like leftover Nazi bees.
X hollow-point, full yellow jacket bullets make a quick trip through <its> body.

grease gun only:

You tell <it>, "you're the one that I want (to take X points of damage), ooh, ooh, ooh, honey."
You fire a lightning-fast blob of grease from your grease gun. <It> takes X points of automatic, systematic, hydromatic damage.
You fire a big blob of grease from your grease gun. <It> is now hopelessly devoted to taking X points of damage
You hit <it> with a blob of grease for X damage. Pain is the word, is the word that you heard...
Your grease gun fires with a resounding "chang chang, changity chang she-bop." <It> takes X points of damage.

happiness only:

You hold your gun in your arms, feel its trigger on your finger, and shoot for X damage.
You jump the gun and fire your happiness, hitting for X damage. BANG! BANG! SHOOT! SHOOT!
You shoot your gun at it, doing X damage. Man, <it> needs a fix, 'cause <it> is goin' down.

potato pistol only:

You think <it> is looking hungry, so you serve up some potato pellets, for X starchy damage points.
You fire a potato pellet, which bugs your opponent for X damage. You potato bug, you.
You fire either a potato or potahto pellet, hitting <it> for X damage.
You deliver a healthy dose of starchy pain to your opponent, hitting for X damage.
You fire a potato pellet from your potato pistol. It doesn't make a hole perpendicular to anything, but it does hit for X damage.

sugar shotgun only:

You fire your shotgun. Bang! What's up with that thang? I wanna know how does it hang? Makes me wanna do X damage.
You perform a shotgun wedding. "Do you, monster, take these sugar shells for X damage?" Apparently, <it> does.
You shotgun <it> for X damage. That was way more effective than shotgunning a beer, but not as fun.
You shout, "shotgun!" and fire a blast with your sugar shotgun. In addition to securing you a seat next to the driver, you do X damage.
You shout, "this is my BOOMSTICK!" and make the stick go boom, hitting <it> for X damage.

toy ray gun only:

You fire a "laser" at your "opponent," hitting <it> for X damage.
You give <it> some overly aggressive laser eye surgery. Not only did you do X damage, there's no way <its> insurance is going to cover it.
You indulge in a little laserblasting with your toy ray gun, waltzing around with it for a while before shooting your opponent for X damage.
You play a little laser tag with <it>, leaving a smoking hole in <its> chest to indicate you're no longer "it." Your opponent takes X damage.

Polearms

Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! You do X damage.
You grab the end of your <polearm>, hold it out in front of you, and spin around in a circle, hitting <it> twice for X damage (total). You feel vaguely like a martial-arts-adept turtle.
You plant your <polearm> firmly at your feet, then use it to brace yourself for a flying kick! You do X damage.
You spin your <polearm> over your head all kung-fu style, then whack <it> with both ends, consecutively, doing X damage.
You step close to <it> and spin your <polearm>, whacking <it> six or seven times for X damage.

bill bec-de-bardiche glaive-guisarme only:

M'sieur, you heet with your bill bec-de-bardiche glaive-guisarme for X damage. Hoh hoh hoh.
You hit with whatever that pointy thing is on the end of whatever this ridiculous weapon is, doing X damage.
You hack with the pointy thing on the end of your bill bec-de-bardiche glaive-guisarme, then slash with the other pointy thing, for X damage.
You hit with your bill bec-de-bardiche glaive-guisarme for X damage. Quels dommages!
You smack <it> with the blunt end of your bill bec-de-bardiche glaive-guisarme for X damage. You then tell <it> to go away, or you shall taunt <it> a second time.

halfberd only:

You deliver a half-assed attack with your halfberd, which hits <its> whole ass for... I was never good at fractions, so let's just say X damage.
You hit twice as hard with your halfberd, to make up for the deficit, and do X damage.

Knob Goblin elite polearm only:

You use your Knob Goblin elite polearm to hit <it> in the armpole. Er, arm. It does X damage.

rusty grave robbing shovel only:

You slash <it> with the rusty shovel. <It> takes X damage and should probably get a tetanus shot.
You stab <it> with the pointy end of the shovel for X damage. Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

wholeberd only:

You spin the wholeberd and make a wholeass (and successful) attempt to smack <it> with it. You do X damage.

Rifles

You know that there are many other <rifle>s in the world, but this one is yours. So you use it to shoot <it> for X damage.
You do the whole "this is my rifle; this is my gun" thing, then shoot <it> with the former for X damage.
You rifle your pockets for ammo, then shoot <it> for X damage with your rifle.

bounty-hunting rifle only:

You know that targets are made to hit, so you hit <it> with a round from your bounty-hunting rifle, doing X damage.
You fire a few blasts from your bounty-hunting rifle. PEW PEW! You hit for X damage.
Fire your bounty-hunting rifle, you do. Hit for X damage, you have.
You assume the bad-ass stance of a guy who flies around in a ship shaped like a clothes iron, and shoot <it> for X damage with your rifle.
You make like a Mandalorian and fire a few blasts from your rifle, blasting <it> for X damage.

C.B.F.G. only:

Looks like <it> is having a laser liaison. By the looks of the X damage <it> takes, it was a dangerous liaison.
You say "pew pew pew." That doesn't seem very effective, so you shoot <it> instead, doing X damage.
You camp near the monster's spawning point and frag <it> for X damage. Weak, man. Weak.
You use your "laser" to shoot "<it>" for X "damage."
You blast <it> with your laser, doing X damage. Then you waltz around going "pa-pa-pow!"
You hide behind a rock and snipe <it> for X damage. Good eye, sniper.

Saucepans

You tip your <saucepan> over and pour out a saucepan-full of PAIN. Specifically, X damage's worth.
You tip your <saucepan> over and pour out the PAIN. Even though it's a saucepan, not a little teapot, it tips and pours just fine. He suffers X damage.
Your <saucepan> makes a satisfying CLANG as it rebounds off of your enemy for X damage. You feel briefly like a stereotypical comic strip housewife.
You saucily swing and smack with your <saucepan>, doing X points of non-salubrious damage.
Your <saucepan> swishes saucily through the air, caroming off of your enemy for X damage.

5-Alarm Saucepan and 17-alarm Saucepan only:

You pour the scalding-hot contents of your 5-Alarm/17-Alarm Saucepan over your enemy's head, doing X damage. The saucepan automagically fills back up again. Handy!

saucepan only

You tip your saucepan over and pour its scalding-hot contents out on your foe. Then you see the saucepan doesn't have anything in it, and just hit <it> with it instead, doing X damage.

Shotguns

The buckshot you're using in your <shotgun> was on sale for only $0.79, but it still does X damage to your foe.
You hit your opponent with X tiny lead pellets that do 1 point of damage apiece.
"Pull!" you yell for no particular reason, and then shoot your opponent in the face for X damage. Somewhere in the distance, a dog laughs.
You roll out a barrel of fun (where 'fun' = buckshot) to the tune of X damage.

double barreled barrel gun only:

You give your opponent both barrels, for X damage. And then you ask for your barrels back.
Double the barrels, double the fun. X points worth of fun, in all.
BOOM! And then another BOOM! That's X damage worth of BOOM!

triple barreled barrel gun only:

You show your opponent why they call this thing a boomstick. It's a lesson worth X damage.
Triple the barrels, triple the fun. X points worth of fun, in all.
BOOM! And then another BOOM! And then yet another BOOM! That's a lot of BOOM! X damage worth of BOOM! to be exact.

Slingshots

You pull back and let fly with your <slingshot>, feeling vaguely like a metaphorical kid fighting a metaphorical giant. You hit <it> right between the eyes for X damage.
You administer the slingshot maneuver with your <slingshot>, shake-and-baking <it> for X damage.
You take careful aim, pull back, and let fly with your <slingshot>, feeling vaguely like a turn-of-the-century naughty child. You hit <it> between the eyes for X damage.
Against Giants in The Castle in the Clouds in the Sky only:

You sling a projectile from your <slingshot> and hit the giant right between the eyes! He staggers and falls back in a religiously significant way, taking X damage.

slingshot only:

You sling a rock from your slingshot at <it>. You miss by a country mile, but you hit the window behind <it> and some of the glass shards hit for X damage. We did mention the window back there, right?
You sling a rock from your slingshot at <it>, feeling vaguely like you're back in Sunday School. You hit <it> between the eyes for X damage.

Turtleslinger only:

You sling a furious snapping turtle from your Turtleslinger, which latches onto <it> for X damage.
You sling a furious loggerhead turtle at <it>, which comes to loggerheads with <it> for X damage.
You sling a furious box turtle from your Turtleslinger, which boxes <its> ears for X damage.

Spears

You jab <it> in the eye with your <spear>, dealing X damage. There's <spear> in your eye!
You poke <it> with the pointy end of your <spear>, then hit <it> with the blunt end. All told, it deals X damage.
Everybody says that Brittney^[sic] spears better than you, but you manage to do a pretty good job of spearing your opponent with your <spear>. It deals X damage.
You hit his foot with the blunt end of the <spear>, then when he bends over, you stab him with the other end, dealing X damage.
You lunge at him, impaling him on your <spear> and dealing X damage. Way to go, Vlad!

giant needle only:

You poke <it> with the giant needle, creating some warm-sounding, analog pain. You do X damage.
You do a little remixing with your giant needle, scratching <it> for X damage.
You've seen the needle use the man, so you use the needle to poke <it> for X damage.
You needle <it> for X damage. Did you really need to?
You drop that beat like a bad habit and scratch <it> for X damage.

Gnollish autoplunger only:

You turn the exhaust pipe on your Gnollish autoplunger around, enveloping <it> in a cloud of thick smoke. The ensuing coughing fit does X damage.
You shift your Gnollish autoplunger into second gear and thrust it forward, plunging the crap out of <it>. Not literally, though, ironically enough. Anyway, you do X damage.
You rev up your Gnollish autoplunger and thrust it forward, battering <it> for X damage.
You rev up your Gnollish autoplunger and thrust it forward, leaving a line of hickeys across <its> chest. (Buggy: No damage listed)

Gnollish plunger only:

You grip your Gnollish plunger tightly and thrust it toward <its> face. The plunger suctions on, then detaches with a satisfying THWOK! Your opponent takes X damage, and gets a funny-looking hickey.
You swing your Gnollish plunger through the air, trying to keep the rubber end as far from your nose as possible. It sticks to <it> with a satisfying thwok for X damage.
You swing your Gnollish plunger through the air, thwapping <it> on the arm with it for X damage. Unsanitary!
You grab the bell end of your Gnollish plunger (wincing slightly), and smack <it> with the handle for X damage. Now go wash your hands.
You attach your Gnollish plunger to <its> forehead, then pull it off with a satisfying thwok. <It> takes X damage, and gets a very silly-looking hickey.
(Only when fighting a Gnollish Plungermaster.) You engage in an exhaustive duel with the Plungermaster - thrusting, parrying, and doing fancy footwork. Finally, you land a solid blow for X damage. Looks like he's the Plungerstudent now.

pitchfork only:

You pitch the pitchfork at <it>, forking <it> for X damage.
You stab <it> with your pitchfork. Hay! That did X damage!
You spear <it> with your pitchfork for X damage. Later, to balance things out, you're going to have to fork something with a spear.
You fork <it> with the pitchfork for X damage. Thank goodness it wasn't a pitchspoon.
You stab it with all three tines of your pitchfork for X damage, feeling briefly like the king of the sea.

prehistoric spear only:

Eegah! Looks like you hit <it> for X damage with a well-tossed spear.
You shout, "tonga nala tonga!" and hurl your prehistoric spear at <it>. The spear spears <it> like Britney, doing X damage.
You throw your caveman spear at <it>, doing X damage. Lets hope no one unfreezes any caveman lawyers to sue you for that.
You throw your prehistoric spear at <it>, beating <its>[sic] ass back into the Pleistocene for X damage.
You throw your prehistoric spear at <it>, raising <its> spear factor by X points.

wooden stakes only:

You prepare your stakes with a delicious marinade, grill them lightly, then plunge them into <it> for X damage.
You realize there's a lot at stake in this combat, so you stake your claim on victory by staking <it> for X damage.
You feel a little weird about stabbing someone with a pair of wooden stakes, so you pretend they're the ground next to a tent. That makes it easier to stab <it> for X damage.
You make like a vampire slayer and stab <it> with your stakes for X damage. Unlike a vampire slayer, though, you don't start making out with <it>.
You raise the stakes on this combat by raising your stakes above your head and slamming them down on <it>. <It> takes X damage.

Staves

You deliver a serious wound (to the tune of X damage) with your staff. You hope <it> doesn't get a staff infection. Actually, come to think of it, you hope <it> does.
You examine your staff to figure out which end is the business end, then you hit <it> with the business end of your staff for X damage.
You speak softly, then clobber <it> with your big stick, dealing X damage.
You twirl your staff around like a giant baton, and then hit <it> with it like something you'd hit with a giant baton, doing X damage.
Only against creatures with heads:

You grab your staff by one end and swing it like a really unwieldy baseball bat, hitting <it> in the head for X damage.
You smack <it> upside the head with your staff, doing X damage and making a loud crunch.

Only against creatures with feet:

You hit <it> in the foot with the end of your staff, and when <it> starts hopping on one foot, you hit <it> in the other foot. <It> falls on his ass, sustaining X damage.
You stick your staff between <its> ankles, tripping <it> and dealing X damage.

Swords

You slice, dice, and then re-slice <it> for X damage.
You whirl around and cut <it> right across his midsection, doing X damage.
Only against creatures with heads:

You clobber <it> in the forehead with the hilt of your sword, dealing X damage.
You slap <it> on the forehead with the flat of your blade, dealing X damage (and producing a satisfying thwap sound.)

Only against creatures with legs:

You slice <it> across the <solar plexus> for X damage.
You hamstring <it> for X damage. Mmm, ham. And... mmm, string.
You poke <it> in the shoulder, dealing X damage.

Black sword only:

You try a little of that old black magic. When that doesn't work, you slash with your black sword for X damage.
You invite <it> to join the black parade. Er, the black parade of monsters you've stabbed for X damage.
You see your black sword and you want to paint it red, so you stab <it> for X damage.
You hit with your black sword, doing black, black, black, black # X points of damage.

Super Magic Power Sword X only:

It chops up with the animal for X damage!
The monster is struck very for X damage by the hand which was opened.
The collision for the monster for X damage!
The extreme shock where your opposite person X damage is given it copes!
Your opposite person who has your weapon for X damage powerfully is broken!

sweet ninja sword only:

You do some seriously sweet ninja stuff with your ninja sword, including temporarily severing <its> arm for X damage.
You hit for X damage. Sweet ninja sword (ba bum bum) good times never seemed so good...

sword behind inappropriate prepositions only:

Gives only the generic sword messages, but, as per the nature of the sword, sprinkles inappropriate prepositions throughout the generic message text.

vorpal blade only:

One-two! One-two! The vorpal blade goes snicker-snack, through and through <it> for X damage.

Umbrellas

You stick your <umbrella> up <its> nose and open it, doing X damage. Now you know why it's bad luck to open an umbrella inside your nose.
You do X damage with your umbrella. Ella. Ella. Ay, ay, ay, ay.

little paper umbrella only:

You pretend that you're a bartender making a fruity girl drink, and that <it>s eye is a maraschino cherry. <It> takes X damage, and seriously... ow.
You poke <it> with the toothpick end of the little paper umbrella, doing X damage.
You smack <it> repeatedly with the tiny umbrella. <It> falls over laughing and sustains X damage.

titanium assault umbrella and evil paper umbrella only:

You poke <it> with the point of your (titanium assault) umbrella. <It> gets the point, and also X damage.
You smack <it> up one side and down the other with your (titanium assault) umbrella, doing X damage and feeling like a hysterical old lady.
You open the (titanium assault) umbrella, put it over your shoulder, and do an a cappella version of "Three Little Maids From School." <It> takes X points worth of confusion.
You open the (titanium assault) umbrella in front of you and spin it, hypnotizing <it> until <it> falls over, taking X damage.

Utensils

You cook up some pain for your opponent. X damage worth, to be exact.
You kick your opponent up X notches. BAM!
Only against creatures with head(s):

You slap <it> upside the head with the business end of your <utensil>, doing X damage.

Only against creatures with feet:

You swat <it> on the <foot>, doing X damage.

pasta spoon only:

You use your pasta spoon to give <it> a spoonful of sugar, to help the medicine go down. And by "medicine," I mean "whoop-ass," which does X damage.
You whack <it> with the back of the pasta spoon, flashing back briefly to your grandma's kitchen. You do X damage.
You shout "Spoooon!" which is, in this case, less a battle cry and more a warning. <It> fails to heed that warning, and gets whacked for X damage.

Whips

You whip <it> into shape. That shape being "pretty bad." <It> takes X damage.
You make like a globe-trotting archaelogist and whip <it> for X damage.
You give the past a slip, and crack that whip on <it> for X damage.
You prove you're smart as a whip by whipping <it> for X damage.
Against a G imp only:

You whip him with your whip. He seems to enjoy it, which skeeves you out, but it does do X points of damage.

cool whip only:

You whip him with your cool whip, whipping up X points of really neat, groovy, and hip PAIN.
You crack your cool whip at it, doing X points of totally awesome damage.

dishrag only:

You snap the dishrag, hitting <it> for X damage. You have a brief flashback to gym class, and that weird teacher who wanted to make really sure you all showered naked.
You remember your junior high P.E. class and snap <it> with your dishrag for X damage.

gnauga hide whip only:

You crack the gnauga hide whip, givigng the past a slip and doigng X damage.
You deliver a tough, stignging smack with your gnauga hide whip, doigng X damage.

hippo whip only:

The hippo whip makes a thick, meaty sound as it smacks across it for X damage.
You give <it> a fat, hearty smack with your hippo whip, for X damage.

penguin whip only:

You compose an opus of pain with your penguin whip, doing X damage.
The crack of a whip and the slight odor of herring indicates that you've hit with your penguin whip for X damage.

yak whip only:

You get tired of <it> talking back, and smack <it> with your yak whip for X damage.
You deliver a healthy yak smack to <it> for X damage.

Yoyos

You shred <it> like a red-head shreds a cello, ma. You do X damage.
You shoot-the-moon with your <yoyo>, hitting <it> for X damage.
You let fly with the <yoyo>, doing a quick around-the-world (around the world, around the world) for X damage.
You do an over-the-shoulder with your <yoyo>, barely missing your shoulderblade before hitting <it> for X damage.
You walk-the-dog with your <yoyo>, hitting <it> for X damage.

Other Weapon Types

armgun only:

You bring your arms to bear, asserting your right to do so by pumping <it> full of X bullets.
You swear that you don't have a gun, then prove you're a liar by shooting <it> for X damage.
You punch <it> with your non-gunned arm, then shoot <it> with your armgun. All in all, you do X damage (let's be honest -- most of that was the gun).
You give <it> a free ticket to the gun show -- you flex your biceps, then shoot <it> for X damage

automatic catapult only:

If you believe you didn't hit for X damage, then nothing is cool.
You fire five or six shots from your automatic catapult for X damage, feeling like a very lucky punk.
You try not to breathe as you fire a barrage from your automatic catapult for X damage.
Hey, kids. Rock and roll. Nobody tells you not to hit for X damage, baby.
You let loose a barrage from your automatic catapult, hitting <it> for X damage.

Bag of unfinished business only:

You consider lighting the bag on fire and leaving it at <his> doorstep, but you just fling some poo at him instead, hitting <him> for X damage
Rather than reaching into it, you just open the bag and swing it by the base, spraying <him> with nastiness for X damage.
You clobber <him> with the bag, then disgust <him> with what's in the bag, for X damage.
You make like a monkey and fling something from the bag at <him> for X damage.
You grab an exceptionally fresh bit of ghost dog poop from the bag and wing it at <him> for X damage.

battery-powered drill only:

You drill a neat hole in your opponent's <monster part>. ^[sic]

beer bong only:

You say, "What did we learn about beer? FOAMY!" and soak <it> for X damage.
You fire a stream of crappy beer at <it> with such force that it knocks <it> over. <It> takes X damage as <it> hits the ground. Yay, beer!
You shout, "Hey, this beer does less damage and tastes great!" and hose <it> down for X damage. You were lying about the great taste, too.
You fire a stream of sub-Willer quality beer straight down <his> gullet. <He> chokes and takes X damage.

can of fake snow only:

You coat <it> with fake snow. <it> looks appropriately festive, and takes X damage.
You spray <it> in the eyes for X damage. Merry Crimbo!
You spray <it> for X damage.
You spray <it> with fake snow. Since <it> isn't too bright, <it> takes X points worth of cold damage.
You toss the can of fake snow at <it>, bonking <it> on the head for X damage. Then you run forward and pick up the can. Merry Crimbo!

disco ball only:

You twirl your disco ball above your head. <It> violently shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shakes <its> booty, sustaining X damage.
You swing your disco ball and disco-dance up a storm, doing an infernal X points of damage to your bewildered opponent.
Blinding light reflects off your disco ball, blinding your opponent for X damage. And that's the way (uh-huh, uh-huh) you like it (uh-huh, uh-huh).
You beat <it> soundly with your disco ball, doing X damage. They'll need an extended stay at the YCMA to recover, but at least it's fun to stay there.
You smack your disco ball into his head, doing X damage. At this rate, <it> has little chance of (ah, ah, ah, ah) stayin' alive.
You smack <it> in the head with your disco ball, and don't stop 'til you get enough. Enough damage, that is. X points' worth, to be precise.
You smack <it> with your disco ball. Waterloo! <It> couldn't escape if <it> wanted to, and sustains X damage.
You twirl your disco ball above your head. Your opponent starts to panic! Then <it> runs blindly into a wall, sustaining X damage.

double-barreled sling only:

Hey, bra. You just hit for X damage, bra.
You let fly with a double-barrelled barrage of projectiles, hitting <it> for X damage.
You load both cups of your double-barreled sling and fire them, hitting <it> for X damage.
You hit for X damage with your double-barreled sling. Talk about a tempest in a D cup!

ga-ga radio only:

The sound waves from your ga-ga radio show your opponent a crazy little thing called PAIN, for X damage.
You realize the show must go on, and hit with your ga-ga radio for X damage.
Since you don't have a gun to put against <its> head, you use the sound waves from your radio to hit for X damage.
The sound waves from your ga-ga radio knock <it> to the ground. <It> bites the dust.
You walk warily up to it, with your brim pulled way down low. Then you raise your brim and do X damage with your radio.

The Landscaper's leafblower only:

You point the leafblower directly away from <it> and let it rip, sending you careening backward into <it> for X damage.
You use the leafblower to divert a nearby bird into <it>, dealing X damage and getting feathers everywhere.
You blow a big pile of cactus needles at <it>, dealing X damage.
You rev up the leafblower and knock <it> over, dealing X damage.

Loathing Legion double prism only:

You invite <her> to taste the double rainbow, and by "taste" you mean "get hit for X damage."
<She> weeps copiously at the sight of the double prism, sobbing and taking X damage.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and how come this one does X damage?
Somewhere over the double rainbow, way up high, you hit for X damage.
Rather than rubble brainblows, your attack yields a double rainbow of X damage.
You hold up the prism and project your violent intent into it. Tears of awe-struck joy run down your face as it does X damage.
Oh, man! That was almost a triple rainbow! Woah. What does it mean? I mean, besides X damage, of course.
Woah. The damage refracted through your prism just hit for X damage. X damage! It's so intense!

Loathing Legion flamethrower only:

You throw <him> a figurative curveball by throwing some literal flame at <him>, charbroiling <him> for X damage.
You toast <him> for X damage, and briefly wish you were badass enough to light a cigar off of the flamethrower after you're done.
You roast <him> like a marshmallow, then roast <him> s'more, for a total of X damage.
You seize a rare opportunity to thoroughly grill <him> for X damage. Well done!
You toast <him> for X damage, you twisted firestarter, you.

origami riding crop only:

You deliver a series of stinging smacks with your crop, doing X damage. Wow, you were pretty hard on that monster.
You hit it with your riding crop, if you know what I mean. You do X damage, you naughty thing, you.
You stand erect, ready to face the long, hard battle, and thrust your crop at her for X damage.
You take matters firmly in hand, delivering a series of strokes that deal X damage.
You keep abreast of the fight by hitting for X damage. Heh heh. Abreast.
You smack it with your riding crop for X points' worth of naughtiness.

pocket theremin only:

You make spooky sci-fi noises with your theremin until an alien attacks your opponent for X damage.
You do X damage with your theremin. Hereamin. Everywhere a min, min.
Whereamin? Theremin! You hit for X damage.
You conjur^[sic] up some (ooh, ooh, ooh) bad vibrations with your pocket theremin, doing X damage.

rare oboe only:

You toot to the tune of X damage.
You open all your spit valves and blast him for X damage.
You blast him with a dissonant note, dealing X damage.

rave whistle only:

You blow a high-pitched blast on the whistle. A dog shows up out of nowhere and tramples <it> for X damage.
You play a descending note on your rave whistle. An anvil falls from the clear blue sky, crushing <it> for X damage.
You play a wolf-whistle on your rave whistle. <It> blushes and waves shyly, then takes X damage of embarrassment when you laugh at <it>.
You let loose with a deafening blast from your whistle. <It> flashes back to high school gym class, taking X damage at the memory of communal showering and dodge ball.
You use your whistle to blow something horribly rude in Morse code. <It> gets the message and takes X damage worth of shock.

ridiculously overelaborate ninja weapon only:

You manage to hit <it> in both elbows simultaneously, doing X damage.
You accidentally drop the ridiculously overelaborate ninja weapon, but <it> trips on one of the chains and hits <its> head on one of the blades, suffering X damage.
You wrap one of the chains around <its> neck and then hit <it> in the nose with one of the blunt parts. It's not graceful, but it does X damage.
You hit <it> with two blades, two chains, and three staff segments, doing a total of X damage.
You hit <it> with three blades, a chain, and half of a staff segment, doing a total of X damage.

sack of doorknobs only:

You whip a cheap aluminum doorknob out of your sack of doorknobs and throw it at <it>, hitting <it> right between the eyes for X damage.
You throw several doorknobs from your sack of doorknobs, proving that you're smarter than your weapon and hitting for X damage.
You whip a heavy brass doorknob out of your sack of doorknobs and throw it at <it>. <It> fails to dodge, proving <it> is dumber than your weapon and taking X damage.
You whip a lead-painted doorknob out of your sack of doorknobs and throw it for X damage. It's sweet, like lead paint is sweet. (I bet it is, too.)
You whip a cut-glass doorknob (like from grandma's house) out of your sack of doorknobs and throw it at <it>, doing X damage.

Sneaky Pete's basket only:

You grab some shuriken from the basket and *thwip* them at your opponent<s> for X damage. Of course Pete knew how to throw shuriken. That's cool.
You pull a bottle of hair oil from your basket and make an oil slick. <He> slip<s> on it and fall<s> for X damage.
You pull a bottle of suntan lotion out of the basket (which means you may get the hose again) and squirt some on the ground. <He> slip<s> and fall<s> for X damage.
You pull a cool chewin' toothpick out of the basket and stab <him> with it for X damage.
You pull a flask out of the basket and bang it off of <his> head<s> for X damage.
You pull a straight razor out of the basket and slice <him> for X damage.
You pull a switchblade out of the basket, and switch it on <him> for X damage.
You pull a switchblade out of the basket, but it turns out it's a switchblade comb. Still, you manage to do X damage with it.
You pull some unrecognizable motorcycle part from the basket. It's nice and heavy, though, and it does X damage to your opponent<s>.
You swing the whole basket and smack <him> with it for X damage.
On critical hit:
- You reach into the basket and pull out an entire Doberman Pinscher. It licks your hand, then bounds off to savagely maul your opponent<s> for X damage.

Wand of Nagamar only:

You wave your Wand of Nagamar at <it>, and BOTH ARMS transform into BRA MOTHS. They flit away to search for a lingerie store, while <it> is disarmed for X damage.
You wave your Wand of Nagamar at <its> THICK TORSO. KITSCH ROOTS^{[sic]^?} spring out of <it>, whipping <it> in a decidedly retro, campy fashion for X damage.
You wave your Wand of Nagamar at <its> UPPER THIGH, which transforms into a HIPPER THUG. The thug wanders off to find a groovier locale, and your opponent takes X damage.
You wave your Wand of Nagamar at <its> LEFT WING (not to get political), which transforms into a WET FLING. <It> crashes to the ground for X damage.
You wave your Wand of Nagamar and <its> UGLY HEAD turns into a HUGE LADY. <It> falls beneath the weight and takes X damage.
You wave your Wand of Nagamar and <its> SLIMY TAIL turns into A LILY MIST. The pleasant smell of lilies fills the air as <it> takes X damage from being de-tailed.

Monsters Specific Messages

Against a 1335 HaXx0r:
- You hit the HaXx0r in his baXx0r for X damage.
Against a bar:
- Your attack severs the bar's arm, effectively violating his second amendment rights. You commie. You do X damage, Comrade.

References

There are too many references to include them all here. Please see the individual pages concerned for more detail.

Combat messages - edit
Haiku combat \| Anapest combat \| Deep Machine combat \| Player Hit Messages

Player Hit Messages

Contents

Unarmed

Monsters Specific Messages

References

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