|Locations||The Sorceress' Chamber|
You stride into the sorceress's chambers. She has her back to you and she's silhouetted in the moonlight. All you can see is long black hair, a bodice, and a long black skirt. "The time has come for you to face your destruction, foul sorceress!" You shout. "For too long you have plagued this land!" Slowly, the sorceress turns around.
"So, you're the beautiful but evil sorceress everyone talks about? I mean, I may not be a prize myself, but the orange mustache is a little much," you say, taken aback.
The sorceress pulls off her black wig to reveal short-cropped ginger hair. She glares at you. "Les jeux sont faints. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine," she says.
"You're...you're not a naughty sorceress at all! You're--"
"That's right! It's me, Principal Mooney! I've been watching you all through your high school career. You have an attitude problem. You think the rules don't apply to you. You fight with your teachers, students, and inanimate objects instead of learning."
"Hey, I went to class every day! I did my time!" you shout.
"The school board's not pleased with the way whippersnappers like you rule my school," Principal Mooney replies, "and I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind!"
"Leave your what out in the who?" you ask.
"I mean, I'm going to erase the problem by erasing you," he responds. "Your permanent record's looking a little more temporary these days."
"I have to fight you? Man. Could you do me a favor? Could you at least take off the bodice and the skirt?"
"No, and if you ask why, I'm giving you double detention," he responds.
"Okay, fine. You know, Principal Mooney, your life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, I'm going to end it!"
He raps your knuckles with a ruler. Who would have thought a foot could hurt your hand so much? Ugh! Argh! Ooh! Ow!
He tells you that a principal just wants to be your 'pal,' tricks you into shaking hands with him, then smacks you with his other hand. Argh! Ooh! Oof! Argh!
He shouts that you can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat, then whacks your butt with a cane. What a freak! Argh! Eek! Oof! Ouch!
He says he doesn't trust you any farther than he can throw you, and then chucks you across the room to prove the point. Ooh! Ow! Ugh! Ugh!
Threatens you with another year of high school, under his close personal supervision. The thought of spending yet another year under the Principal's thumb terrifies you. Ugh! Eek! Ouch! Ow! (spooky damage)
He makes you stand with your arms straight out, holding a dictionary in each hand. It really strains your muscles. Argh! Ugh! Ouch! Ow!
He picks up a vase and smashes it on your <throat>. Oof! Ooh! Ouch! Argh!
He tries to insinuate that you've been skipping school and faking sick, but you point out that your attendance record is absolutely spotless. For a minute, he wonders if he's got the wrong student.
He says he doesn't trust you any farther than he can throw you, but you point out with his bad knee he shouldn't be throwing anything.
He tries to throw a vase at you, but you dodge.
He insists that he just wants to be friends, because you can't spell principal without 'pal.' You point out that he'd be more convincing if he wasn't actively attacking you.
He tells you to stand perfectly still with your arms straight out, but you tell him you've graduated and he's not the boss of you anymore.
He tries to cane you, but you insist that you did eat your meat before you ate your pudding.
He tries to rap your knuckles with a ruler, but you tell him not to hit your hand with a foot.
- Every round,if you have more than X effects:
|You lose an effect: ... something|
- Upon defeating him:
- Principal Mooney falls to the ground. "NOOO!" he shouts. "I can't let you win! The example you set is a first-class ticket to nowhere!"
- "You were supposed to be my princi-pal," you reply, "but this single-minded pursuit of a student who already graduated proves that you're not capable of doing your job! I have to take you out," you continue, pulling a pair of sunglasses out and putting them on, "it's a matter of--principle."
- At which point the soundtrack tries to be all, "Don't you forget about me," and "YEAAAAAAAAAH" at the same time, and the combination of sounds makes poor Principal Mooney's head explode. But hey, if it's too loud, he's too old.
- You know, you learned something today. Deep down, we're all a dweebo, a wastoid, a sporto, and a motorhead. And even deeper down, it's all blood and guts and stuff.
|You acquire an item: Instant Karma (100.0% if player is at level 13; otherwise, 0% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: Thwaitgold bookworm statuette (100.0% chance)*|
- Reduces elemental damage by 30%.
- Each round (including round 0 when he gets the jump on you), Mooney will strip away 10 of your effects. This will occur even if he is blocked by a potato-type familiar and therefore does not attack you.
- Prior to August 20, 2013, Mooney did not strip you of buffs during the fight.
- The name and "game is up" quote and 'Mooney' are a reference to Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
- The "Deep down, we're all a..." quote is a reference to Anthony Michael Hall/Brian Johnson's detention essay in The Breakfast Club.
- "Don't You (Forget About Me)" is a song by Simple Minds, and the closing theme to 1985 highschool comedy-drama The Breakfast Club.
- "YEAAAAAAAAAH" is a reference to the Puts On Sunglasses meme, and comes from the song "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who, as applied to the TV show CSI: Miami.
- "if it's too loud, he's too old" is a reference to Kiss's album "If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old"
- "if it's too loud, he's too old" may equally be a reference to Autograph's song Loud and Clear ('87).
- The image filename of Chalmers.gif is a reference to Superintendent Chalmers of The Simpsons.
- The line "you can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat" is a reference to a background voice in "Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2", from Pink Floyd's album The Wall.