|Locations||Anywhere while wearing an Kramco Sausage-o-Matic™|
|Hit Points||75% of Defence|
|Attack||Moxie + 1 + 2x (cap at 10 000)|
|Defense||Muscle + 1 + 2x (cap at 10 000)|
|Monster Parts||arm, body, head, leg|
You spot a small goblin roasting a sausage on the tines of a red-hot pitchfork. It attacks when it sees you, though whether it's protecting its sausage or just generally being a malcontent isn't immediately clear.
You spot a weird little goblin sneaking about, plainly up to no good. "Hey you!" you say. "Knock it off with that no good up to plainly being!"
The goblin gives you a really incredulous look before attacking you.
You encounter a small goblin, who is skulking around in a sinister fashion. I mean, all of the Kingdom's goblins skulk a bit, but this one seems like it really puts some practice and effort into it. Like if there was an Olympic event for skulking, this guy would seriously be on the team. Oh, while I was talking, it stopped skulking and attacked you.
"Hey!" you yell at a sinister-looking little goblin you see skulking around. "What do you think you're doing?
"Buzz off!" it replies. "I'm busy here!"
"Busy doing what? Leering and skulking around in the shadows?"
"Hey, you know what they say: do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life."
"Hey, what's up?" you ask a small goblin you see skulking around with a pitchfork.
"Oh nothin'," it replies. "Just bringing nasty dreams to nasty boys and girls. You know, the usual."
"Huh, weird. Like an opposite sugarplum fairy?"
"Don't you dare compare me to those goody-goodies!" it snarls, and attacks you.
You hear a sinister little giggle nearby and look around. Eventually you find a small goblin in the underbrush. "Hee hee hee," it giggles.
"Hello?" you say.
The goblin looks up, startled. "Oh jeez! You caught me practicing my sinister little giggle! How embarrassing!"
"Oh, sorry! I'll just leave you to it, then."
"No, I'm pretty sure I should kill you now."
"Oh dang. Well, if you're sure."
The goblin whacks you with his big greasy sausage. Please try to interpret this in a way that is not super filthy. Oof! Argh! Ugh! (sleaze damage)
The goblin's sausage leaves a big greasy stain on your <shins>. Aw, jeez, that's gross on a lot of levels. I sure hope the randomizer didn't pick "bung". Eek! Argh! Ouch! (sleaze damage)
The goblin pokes you with its red-hot sausage fork. (Is it the sausage or the fork that's red-hot? you ask. Answer: both.) Ow! Ouch! Eek! (hot damage)
The goblin jabs you in the head with its red-hot fork, and cackles with evil mirth. Eek! Argh! Oof! (hot damage)
"You'll be sorry ya messed with us, ya goody-two-shoes!" the goblin crows as it jabs you with its sausage fork. (CRITICAL HIT!) Oof! Ooh! Ow!
The goblin tries to hit you with its sausage, but you dodge the entire gross situation.
The goblin tries to
fork y stab you with its fork, but you don't conse dodge.
The goblin tries to stab you in the <kidney> with its red-hot fork, but since your <neck> wouldn't be able to take the heat, you keep it out of the kitchen. ...Or something?
Your sideburns sizzle as you just barely dodge the goblin's red-hot fork, and now that I think about it I'm pretty sure "Sizzling sideburns!" is a Captain Haddock quote.
"The boss ain't gonna like this," the goblin pouts. (FUMBLE!)
|You gain 56-82 Meat. (average: 69, stdev: 5.7)*|
|You acquire an item: red-hot sausage fork (4% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: magical sausage casing (100% chance)*|
|You acquire an item: bag of sausage links (0.1% chance)*|
Occurs when wearing the Kramco Sausage-o-Matic™.