Save Uncle Crimbo!

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On December 1, 2006, A Lonely Crimbo Elf appeared, imploring you to find a way to break Lady Linnea's bewitching spell on Uncle Crimbo and return him to his factory in time for Crimbo by finding the three magical things to remind him who he is. After you found Uncle Crimbo, you had to try to find the two other things that he likes to convince him to come back. This quest was available up until December 24. On December 25, 2006 (Crimboween), Uncle Crimbo returned, and this quest could no longer be completed.


First Stage

Second Stage

Third Stage



On initial visit:

As you're walking around the Big Mountains, looking for Crimbo Town, you notice a sad, sniffling little Crimbo Elf. He spots you, and says, "Man, this is ridiculous. I never dreamed something like this could happen? It's almost Crimbo time, and where's Uncle Crimbo? He's been bewitched, I tell you, bewitched by that evil Scream Queen. It's like a bad dream, man."
"I thought she banished him to a dreamy desert island," you say.
"Oh yeah, banished, sure. Nah, she scrambled his brain with some weird spell! He's on a dream vacation. He doesn't even remember that he's Uncle Crimbo. He's going to luaus and wearing brightly-colored shorts, living the dream, and meanwhile the Scream Queen's taking over Crimbo. You've got to find the three magical things that will remind him who he is."
"You mean, like, candy canes and gingerbread?"
The elf laughs. "You don't know him very well, do you?"
"Where should I start?" you ask.
"I wouldn't dream of telling you that," the elf replies.

On subsequent visits:

"Please find Uncle Crimbo! We need his guidance!"

First nightmare:

You wake up in the middle of the night and see a bright light outside of your bed curtains. Since you don't have any curtains (and may or may not have a bed), you're pretty sure you're dreaming. You hope it's not curtains for you, though.
You push back the curtains and the bright light solidifies into a ghost! He has the requisite long, white robe, but some decidedly non-requisite dreadlocks hanging down past his shoulders. He gazes piercingly at you and speaks.
"Hey, mon," he says. "I be Marley's Ghost. I come to tell ya that tonight ye will be visited by tree spirits."
"Tree spirits?" you ask. "You mean those fruity little things in Canadia?"
"Nah, mon," he says. "One, two, tree -- tree spirits."
"Is this about me realizing I'm a horrible person and resolving to change, and ending up all giddy as a schoolboy?" you ask. "Because, if so, I'd rather just stay horrible. It doesn't bother me, except when people move my chair."
"Nah, mon." The ghost answers. "Uncle Crimbo's gone missing, and these tree spirits are going to help yah rescue him. The first is de ghost of Crimbo Way, Way Past. The second is the ghost of Crimbo Right-about-now. You'll like him, he's a funk soul brother. The third is the Ghost of Crimbo In The Not-Too-Distant Future. You'll see the first one the next time you fall asleep."
"Seriously," you say, "I don't really want to bother with any ghosts, man. I mean, I don't even have my proton pack."
"Expect the first one the next time you fall asleep," the ghost repeats, and starts to fade away, singing some song about martial bison.

Second nightmare:

You wake up to the sound of someone banging a bone against a rock. Well, you don't know that's what the sound is until you get up and look, but that's what it is.
You see a shimmery, transparent caveman (who may or may not have just saved a lot of money on his car insurance), dressed in furs and squatting on your floor, pounding said rock with said leg-bone.
"Me Ugh. Gwee tonga nala tonga macha pooka." he says, gesturing and grunting at you.
"You're Ugh, the ghost of Crimbo Way, Way Past, and you want me to go to the Big Mountains, where Crimbotown was last year, and I'll be magically transported to CrimboRock, which is Crimbotown thousands of years ago?"
"Ugh. Gwee zug fech haraka ool."
"And you say that once I'm there, I can fight monsters, make toys, and find part of the magic spell for rescuing Uncle Crimbo?"
"Ugh," the caveman says, nodding his assent.
Wow, I wish I could speak Caveman.

Using the lit cigar:

You hold up the lit cigar, take a puff, and blow a square smoke ring. It hangs in the air like a window, and through it you can see what looks like a tropical island. Suddenly, Uncle Crimbo reaches through the window and grabs the cigar! "Thanks, kid," he says. "You're on the right track."

After this your quest log now reads:

Save Uncle Crimbo!
You've found Uncle Crimbo, but he doesn't seem to want to leave. You're going to have to try to find the two other things that he likes to convince him to come back.

Third Nightmare (Check It Out Now)

You decide that now is a good time for a nap. You're not sure why, but you do.
After sleeping soundly for about 10 minutes, you wake up to the sound of a flat, electronic beat playing loudly in your bedroom. You push aside your bed-curtains and look out. Since you don't have any bed-curtains, and may or may not have a bedroom or a bed, you're pretty sure you're dreaming.
You see a shimmery, transparent guy standing in front of two turntables. He doesn't appear to have a microphone, though. "Greetings, adventurer, he says. "I'm the ghost of Crimbo right-about-now. Greetings, adventurer. I'm the ghost of Crimbo right-about-now. Greetings, adventurer. I'm the ghost of Crimbo right-about-now."
He stops and thumps himself upside the head. "Sorry, got stuck in a loop there. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that you've spent enough time in Crimbo Rock, and you should come to my realm now. If you ever want to save Uncle Crimbo, you've got to get with the now, man. Don't you want to meet Linnea, the Scream Queen? Quit living in the past. Are you ready to go to Crimbo right-about-now? Are you ready to go to Crimbo right-about-now? Are you ready to..."
Get With The Now
Keep CrimboRock Open

Using the plate of franks and beans:

You start to chow down on the franks and beans, but before you can take a bite the plate levitates into the center of the room. A deeply tanned arm reaches through a magical portal and grabs the plate. "Thanks, kid," Uncle Crimbo's voice says. "You're getting even closer."

After finishing the second part of the quest your quest log now reads:

Save Uncle Crimbo!
You've given Uncle Crimbo two things he likes, but it doesn't seem to be enough. The old lout was a notorious drunkard -- maybe some booze will ply him.

Fourth Nightmare (Next Sunday, A.D.)

You decide that now is a good time for another nap. What exactly are you doing that makes you so sleepy, anyways?
You are awakened in the middle of the nap to see three figures standing over you. Well -- two are standing, one seems to be kind of hovering. All three are dressed in black robes, but you see that one's an average-looking white guy, one's some kind of golden spider duck, and the hovering one appears to be a squat crimson pig.
"Hey," the golden spider duck says. "Don't you think you've spent about enough time in the present? It's time for you to go back to the future!"
"Back to the future?" the squat crimson pig says. "s/he hasn't even been there yet! How can you go back?"
"Beck to the future?" the average-looking guy responds. "I don't know if that's where it's at."
"Anyway," the average-looking guy continues, "you've been in Crimbo right-about-now for quite a while. Why don't you try Crimbo in the not-too-distant future? If you want to rescue Uncle Crimbo, you'd better get on the ball."
"Some balls are held for charity," the golden spider duck chimes in.
"Do not taunt happy fun ball," the pig agrees.
So what you wanna do?
Move on to the Future
Stay in Crimbo-right-about-now
The three figures fade into the night, continually riffing on each other's comments, getting stranger and more esoteric as they disappear. The last thing you hear is "we'll be back," in a bad Austrian accent.


The three figures fade into the dark. One says, "when you awake, you'll be able to visit THE FUTURE!" "INDUSTRY!" shouts another. "Science and technology!" "She blinded me with..."

Using the flask of peppermint schnapps:

Before you drink the peppermint schnapps, you decide to pour a little out for your homies. The schnapps forms a little puddle on the floor. You look into it and see a desert island with a hammock strung between two palm trees. Suddenly, a deeply tanned arm reaches out of the puddle and grabs the whole flask out of your hand! You hold onto the flask tightly and pull Uncle Crimbo out through the floor.
"Thanks, kid," he says. "I knew you could do it. Well, actually, I was pretty sure you couldn't. But thanks for proving me wrong. See ya on Crimbo Eve!" With that, he lays a finger inside of his nose and rises up into the sky.
About halfway up, Uncle Crimbo yells down, "Hey, you wanna play with my sleigh for a while? Wait, no, I mean literally, kid, geez. I don't need it until Crimbo Eve, so have yourself some fun, you've earned it."
Seligh.gifYou acquire an item: time sleigh

After finishing the quest your quest log now reads:

You've saved Uncle Crimbo! Fantastic!
Uncle Crimbo is sure to give you something cool on Crimbo for your hard work.


  • You can make more items in the Toy-Making Cave than just fire and leaf. You may want to play with the other toys, but none of them prove useful in saving Uncle Crimbo.
  • It's not actually necessary to visit A Lonely Crimbo Elf in order to begin this quest - consuming the chocolate lump will also unlock the nightmares. That being said, A Lonely Crimbo Elf definitely adds context.
  • If you do not visit A Lonely Crimbo Elf first, the quest does not appear in your Quest Log. However, the quest is still there. It is just "invisible." Once you use the lit cigar, the quest then appears in your Quest Log.
  • After receiving the first nightmare, A Lonely Crimbo Elf disappears.
  • After receiving the second nightmare, Crimbo Rock appears in The Big Mountains.
  • After receiving the third nightmare, Crimbo Rock disappears and Crimbotown Right-About-Now appears.
  • After choosing to go to Crimbotown Right-About-Now, you cannot return to the Crimbo of past. Attempting to do so by clicking on the Last Adventure link will yield this message. "No way, yo."
  • If you ascend after unlocking Crimbo Rock, it will disappear from The Big Mountains until the next rollover or until you use the time sleigh.
  • As long as you don't use the chocolate lump, you get another one the next day.
  • After ascending, it says that you still have the quest even if you didn't even start it.
  • After ascending, it appears that one does not need to re-create and re-use the lit cigar, the plate of franks and beans, or the flask of peppermint schnapps the next nightmares will appear as you adventure in Crimbo Rock, Crimbotown Right-About-Now, and Crimbotown Not-Too-Distant-Future.
  • If you ascend after saving Uncle Crimbo, your Quest Log will still record your prior completion of the quest.
  • If you ascend after saving Uncle Crimbo, you can withdraw your time sleigh from Hagnk's (even while in HC mode).
  • You didn't need to complete this quest to get a Tropical Crimbo pressie on Crimbo 2006.
  • Trying to adventure in the Crimbo areas after January 1 using the Last Adventure function yields the message "Crimbo is over. Sorry."
  • This quest can still be started after January 1 if you have not yet eaten the chocolate lump, but you can not get past the second dream.


  • Marley's Ghost, the three spirits of Crimbo, and your line about "realizing I'm a horrible person and resolving to change, and ending up giddy as a schoolboy" are all references to Charles Dickens' famous novella A Christmas Carol, as is the underdone potato that allows you to be visited in the first place (Scrooge dismisses the visitation of Marley as the result of "an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato").
  • In addition, the ghost of Marley is portrayed here by Bob Marley, explaining the dreadlocks and Jamaican accent.
  • The line "I'd rather just stay horrible. It doesn't bother me, except when people move my chair", comes from "Someone Keeps Moving My Chair" by They Might Be Giants, where the regularly tolerant Mr. Horrible is upset by the movement of his chair.
  • The line about the ghost of Crimbo Right-About-Now being a "funk soul brother" is a reference to the lyrics of the song "The Rockafeller Skank" by Fatboy Slim. Also, the fact that he repeats himself over and over is another reference to the song.
  • The song about the "martial bison" is a reference to the Bob Marley song "Buffalo Soldier."
  • The "proton pack" mentioned in the first nightmare refers to the fictional ghost-busting machine in the movie Ghostbusters.
  • The line in the second nightmare about car insurance is taken from a series of ads by Geico. ("Our website is so easy, even a caveman can use it" and "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.")
  • "Wow, I wish I could speak Caveman" is a play on a line uttered by Dory from Finding Nemo: "Wow, I wish I could speak Whale."
  • The language the caveman is speaking is from a movie named Caveman starring Ringo Starr and Dennis Quaid.
  • The use of the big leaf and stringy sinew to complete the first part of the quest may be a reference to the World of Warcraft quest in which you attain a giant petrified leaf and have to attain dragon sinew to finish it.
  • The line from the Ghost of Crimbo Right-About-Now about turntables and microphones is a reference to the song "Where It's At" by Beck. This is re-referred in the fourth nightmare, where one of the apparitions says, "Beck to the future? ...I don't know if that's where it's at."
  • When the ghosts come to take you to the future, the spider-duck says, "Don't you think you've spent about enough time in the present? It's time for you to go back to the future!" It's a line from the movie Back to the Future when the Doc takes Marty McFly to the past and then the future.
  • The ghosts in the fourth nightmare are the characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000, with "Next Sunday, A.D." being a lyric from the show's original theme to describe its setting "in the not-too-distant future." The "golden spider duck" is Crow T. Robot (referring to the netting on top of his head as well as his bowling pin beak), the "squat crimson pig" is Tom Servo (a painted gumball machine) and the "average-looking guy" is Mike Nelson, all taken from how Flavia describes them in the MST3K episode 817, "The Horror At Party Beach". The references that the ghosts make -- besides being a self-reflexive parody of MST3K's "increasingly esoteric" references to popular culture -- entail AC/DC's song "Big Balls" (technically repeated from the fancy dress ball) and to an SNL sketch entitled "Happy Fun Ball", the name of a seemingly innocuous toy with a laundry list of safety warnings.
  • The comment "we'll be back" in a bad Austrian accent is a reference to Arnold Schwarzenegger's oft-quoted phrase ("I'll be back") from the movie The Terminator, which features time travel.
  • "Industry, science and technology" is said in Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie ("Industry, science and technology! Big men putting screwdrivers into things! Turning them! And adjusting them!").
  • When you move onto the future the last line "she blinded me with..." is a reference to Thomas Dolby's 1981 song "She Blinded Me With Science".
  • The line about "laying a finger inside of his nose and rising up into the sky" is a reference from the Animaniacs comics 2005 Christmas special from DC Comics, in which Ralph the security guard has to dress up as Santa Claus and deliver presents to Yakko, Wakko and Dot. When he has done so, he "lays a finger inside of his nose" and rises into the sky in his pigeon-drawn sleigh. This of course is in parody of the poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas", the first reference to Santa with reindeer and a sleigh.