Slow Talkin' Elliot
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Slow Talkin' Elliot | |
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Monster ID | 511 |
Locations | The Battlefield (Frat Warrior Fatigues) |
Hit Points | 200 |
Attack | 190 |
Defense | 171 |
No-Hit | 200 |
Initiative | 20 |
Meat | 120-180 |
Phylum | hippy |
Elements | stench |
Resistance | None |
Monster Parts | head, arm, leg, torso |
Manuel Entry | |
refreshedit data |
At the base of a heavily-contested hill, you encounter a bearded hippy bent over tying his shoe. You catch a glimpse of his dogtags, and recognize him as Slow Talkin' Elliot, one of the most lauded soldiers in the hippy army. Legend says that the only reason he's not one of the top generals in the Army of One Love is that when his superiors asked him if he wanted the promotion, he took so long to answer that they had all been killed in battle before they had a chance to give him the rank.
"Hey... you..." he says, in his trademark drawl/crawl. "You're... one... of... those... frat... infidels."
You lay back on the grass and take a little nap while he pauses between sentences.
"I'm... going... to... squash... you... into..."
At this point, you get tired of waiting around, and charge at him, weapon at the ready.
Hit Message(s):
He slowly stands up, wanders over, and gives you a big ol' hug. You gag as his arms come up -- it smells like death in there. Ooh! Ouch! Ugh! (stench damage)
He darts forward and smacks you on the <arse>. He may talk slow, but his hands are pretty damn fast. Argh! Eek! Ouch!
He tells a very long story. Well, actually it's a knock-knock joke, but it takes him four hours to finish it. You fall asleep and hit your head on a rock. Argh! Oof! Oof!
He tells you a story full of folksy humor and homespun wisdom. Around sentence three, you fall asleep standing up and fall over. Argh! Argh! Ouch!
He starts to attack you, but notices that there's a loose thread on his shirt. He slowly pulls on it, muttering slowly under his breath, then sighs and looks up, blinks... you finally get so bored you attack yourself. Argh! Argh!
He tries to give you a big ol' stinky hug, but you easily dodge.
He tries to smack you, but his hands don't move any faster than his mouth.
He tells you a story full of folksy humor and homespun wisdom. You applaud politely.
He starts to insult you, but you easily move a couple miles away before he finishes.
His laconic voice trails off into a quiet snore. Apparently he just bored himself to sleep. That's pretty impressive. (FUMBLE!)
![]() | You gain 120-180 Meat (average: 150, stdev: 12.65)* |
![]() | You acquire an item: bullet-proof corduroys (? chance)* |
![]() | You acquire an item: green clay bead (? chance)* |
![]() | You acquire an item: Lockenstock™ sandals (? chance)* |
![]() | You acquire an item: Slow Talkin' Elliot's dogtags (100? chance)* |
You gain 45 <substat>. |
Occurs at The Battlefield (Frat Warrior Fatigues).
Notes
- This monster cannot be copied.
- Occurs between 501 and 600 hippy casualties, if at all.
References
- This character, and the entire description, are a reference to famous comedy bit called "Slow Talkers of America" by the radio comedians Bob Elliott & Ray Goulding, known as Bob and Ray. They worked principally from the 1950s to the 1990s. In the bit, Bob Elliott left infuriatingly long pauses between his words while Ray constantly interrupted and finished his sentences for him, which had no effect on Bob's glacial delivery.
- The idea and rhythm of this routine appeared in the 2005 movie MirrorMask during the Orbiting Giants scene. Knock-knock jokes also figure in that story, so the reference to knock-knock jokes may be an indirect nod to the movie.
- The association of this particular mannerism with a hippy is probably related to a certain hippy Jick once mentioned on Radio KoL, whose extraordinarily slow talking frustrated Jick so much that, even though the hippy was a "nice guy," Jick couldn't stand to hang out with him.