Smarmy pirate

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Smarmy pirate
Monster ID 106
Locations The Obligatory Pirate's Cove
Hit Points 55
Attack 65
Defense 58
No-Hit 75
Initiative 70
Meat 22-32
Phylum pirate
Elements sleaze
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
bottle of rum, eyepatch, flaregun, Jolly Roger charrrm bracelet
Bounty vial of pirate sweat
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
smarmy pirate You're fighting a smarmy pirate

This is a pirate of the smarmy variety. Smarmy, in this case, being a cross between sweaty and garmy. Garmy, in this case, being something which is not actually a word.

Hit Message(s):

Yeah, right, he completely manages to hit you in the <head>. Eek! Ouch! Ouch!

Oh yeah, he totally smarms you in the <groin>. Sure. Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Eek!

Wow, I guess he just TOTALLY beat you to a pulp. Way to go! Ow! Ooh! Argh! Argh!

Hey, it's so AWESOME that he successfully kicked you in the <arse>. Good for you. Ooh! Ow! Oof! Oof! (sleaze damage)

Critical Hit Message:

Sure, so he totally jumps up, grabs the yarrrdarrrm, swings around, and kicks you right in the face. Wow, what a great pirate. Oof! Eek! Ooh! (sleaze damage)

Miss Message(s):

Oh, so OF COURSE he tries to hit you and you're just SO good at dodging that he misses. Whatever.

He totally smarms you, sure. But not really.

He starts to smarm you again, but slips and falls on a puddle of his own dripping sarcasm.

Fumble Message:

So OF COURSE he jumps up, grabs the yarrrdarrm, swings around, tries to kick you in the forehead, and falls completely on his face. What a lousy pirate. (FUMBLE!)

After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 22-32 Meat (average: 27, stdev: 2.42)*
Bottle.gifYou acquire an item: bottle of rum (48.6% chance)*
Eyepatch.gifYou acquire an item: eyepatch (8.4% chance)*
Flaregun.gifYou acquire an item: flaregun (29.7% chance)*
Charmbrac.gifYou acquire an item: Jolly Roger charrrm bracelet (~20% chance)*
Lightvial.gifYou acquire an item: vial of pirate sweat (100% chance)*
You gain 16-17 <substat>.

Occurs at The Obligatory Pirate's Cove.


  • The critical hit and fumble messages are references to the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, in which Jack Sparrow does various acrobatics on various ship parts, often accompanied by another character commenting that either "that's the best pirate I've ever seen" or "that's the worst pirate I've ever seen" depending on the success of said acrobatic move.