Stench hobo

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Stench hobo
Monster ID	691
Locations	The Heap
Hit Points	500
Attack	350
Defense	315
No-Hit	360
Initiative	100
Meat	None
Phylum	hobo
Elements	stench
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	arm, head, leg, torso
Drops Biddy Cracker's Old-Fashioned Cookbook, filth-encrusted futon, hobo nickel, stinkin' bindle, Travels with Jerry
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting J. B. "No Soap, Thank You" Berry, the Human Compost Heap

You pass a hobo standing in front of a drum full of some viscous, foul-smelling liquid. "Rotten fruit! " he shouts. "Get yer rotten fruit here! Hey, buddy, want some rotten fruit? I can just ladle some out for you..."

"So your claim is that goop used to be fruit, huh? Uh...I'm not hungry. Just drank a whole bunch of rotten fruit before I got here."

The hobo narrows his eyes. "I think you're lying to me," he says, "and I won't take that lying down. Let's see if a fresh-smelling pansy like you has what it takes to take on me!"

"Fine!" you say. "Take on me! Take me on! I'll be gone in a day or two!"

or

A hobo wearing some kind of plastic container on his head charges up to you. "You can't walk around here without protection!" he says. "Too many alpha rays, man, alpha rays control your thoughts and make you hear voices. You gotta cut a milk jug in half and stick it on your head or they'll make you one of them."

"Uh, judging by the smell of your little helmet, there, I think I'll pass," you say.

"They've already got ya, eh? Well, dangit. Here it had been a whole week since my paranoid delusions drove me to kill!"

or

You trip over a pile of old newspaper and greasy rags. The pile says, "hey!" and stands up. Turns out, it's a hobo. A grouchy, stinky hobo who doesn't take kindly to being tripped over.

or

You see a hobo sitting in a trash can, mumbling to himself. As you get closer, you can make out some of his delusional rantings. "Stupid red fuzzy thing always happy always wants to be friends," he says. "Big yellow bird says 'play nice.' Blue fuzzy thing just wants a sugar fix. Screw 'em all."

"Wow," you say, "you sure are a grouch!"

In retrospect, you probably shouldn't have taunted the crazy guy in the trash can.

or

"Hey. Buddy. Hey." a hobo says, sidling toward you. "Got any spare meat? I'll trade you for this here rotten-egg, limburger, and week-old-fish sandwich."

"Sounds delicious," you say, "but I don't have any spare meat."

"Tha's okay!" he says, grinning toothlessly. "You can have it anyway. No, really, I insist. I *said* I INSIST!"

Hit Message(s):

He stands next to you for a second. You wouldn't think that would do a lot of damage, but you also wouldn't think it was possible for one man to smell as bad as this guy. Eek! Argh! Ooh! (stench damage)

He cracks a rotten egg over your head. Looks like you're the last one in. Ugh! Eek! Argh! (stench damage)

He kicks you in the face, and the holes in his shoes allow the full force of his foot stench to reach your nose. Pshew! Oof! Argh! Ugh!

He hurls you into a nearby puddle. That wouldn't be so bad, if the puddle weren't underneath a pipe spewing raw sewage. Oof! Argh! Eek! (stench damage)

He pelts you with a bunch of fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads. You decline to eat them up, yum. Ow! Ugh! Oof! (stench damage)

He hurls a rotten peach at you, and it splatters all over your knee. Peachy. Just peachy. Oof! Ouch! Ow! (stench damage)

Critical Hit Message:

The hobo lets loose a piercing whistle. A big dog comes bounding up and plants his paws on your shoulders, licking your face. "This here's Rex," the hobo says, "and he just found a whole family of skunks!" Oof! Argh! (stench damage)

Miss Message(s):

He is briefly stunned by the force of his own stink.

He tries to pelt you with rotten eggs, but your dodging skills are eggcelent.

He holds a disgusting shoe up in front of your face, but like Leslie Nielsen, you can hold your breath for a long, long time.

He tries to hurl you into a puddle of raw sewage, but you say you prefer your sewage thoroughly cooked.

He hurls a rotten peach at you, but you quickly part your hair behind, and dare to dodge a peach.

He tries to smack you with a rotting fish, but you worm your way out of the attack.

Fumble Message:

He stomps toward you, but puts his foot through an old box-spring and gets stuck. You chuckle and wait for him to extricate himself. (FUMBLE!)

Special Move(s):

He approaches you and whispers something incomprehensible into your ear. From the smell of his breath, you're guessing that it wasn't the address of a good oral hygienist.

He bellyflops onto a nearby mattress, releasing the odors of several months' worth of hobo night sweats.

He finds a discarded White Citadel bag and pelts you with rotten onions.

He picks a bit of crust off of one of his toes, and throws it at your <bung>. Ewww.

He puts you in a headlock. The headlock doesn't hurt, but the smell... Oh, man, the smell.

He splashes you with some hobo stew. Wait, ew -- that's just dumpster-water.

He takes off one of his shoes and holds it under your nose.

He takes off one of his socks and smacks you in the face with it. Blech.

He throws a wad of unidentifiable filth at your feet. At first you think "Oh, cool, he missed me," but then the smell of it reaches your nose.

He turns around and starts violently rooting through a nearby dumpster. You get hit by several pieces of particularly nasty garbage.

---

After Combat

You acquire an item: Biddy Cracker's Old-Fashioned Cookbook (.1% chance)*

You acquire an item: filth-encrusted futon (.1% chance)*

You acquire an item: hobo nickel (15% chance)*

You acquire an item: stinkin' bindle (.1% chance)*

You acquire an item: Travels with Jerry (.1% chance)*

You gain 87.5 <substat>.

---

Occurs at The Heap.

Notes

• While fighting hobos at The Heap, you will take damage each round, varying by the overall level of stench in the area. The damage is in the range of 5 * level ± 3, or 1 damage if the stench level is 0.

The oppressive smell of the heaps of garbage around you makes you feel sort of sick.

You lose some hit points. (stench damage)

• Hobos have a chance to use special attacks which are guaranteed to hit regardless of how high or low your Moxie is. These attacks do a great deal more damage than normal attacks and don't seem to interact with defensive abilities such as saucespheres or Hero of the Half-Shell. They can be distinguished from normal hits by the lack of sound effects that follow the message.
• The name, image, and introduction text of this monster are all randomly selected:
  • Names follow the pattern of: Stench Title + First Name + Stench Nickname + Last Name + Stench Occupation
  • Images are randomly any of the following:

References

• "Hey, buddy, want some rotten fruit? I can just ladle some out for you..." is from one of Eddie Izzard's standup routines, discussing fruit vendors advertising inexpensive, gorgeous fruit. When you opt to buy, "they always reach behind to this fruit graveyard... 'Just let me add some fruit here… there we go. It’s a bit runny!' Let me just ladle you out some fruit, here."
• "Take on me! Take me on! I'll be gone in a day or two!" is from the 1984 a-ha song "Take on Me".
• The 5th introduction text refers to several characters from the children's show Sesame Street, namely Elmo (the "stupid red fuzzy thing"), Big Bird (the "big yellow bird"), Cookie Monster (the "blue fuzzy thing"), and Oscar the Grouch (the hobo himself).
• The roly-poly fish heads attack references the song "Fish Heads" by Barnes & Barnes.
• The Leslie Nielsen reference comes from his appearance in Creepshow, in which he buries his wife and her lover in the sand, only to have them come back as ghosts and bury him in the sand. The episode ends with him yelling that he can hold his breath for a long time.
• The "miss" message about the rotten peach pays homage to T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," line 122: "Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?"
• The alpha rays alluded to in one introduction would be helium nuclei produced during alpha decay.