The Dirt-Walled Hovel of the Pretentious Artist

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Artist quiet.gif

This is where the Pretentious Artist lives.

Please allow me to paint your portrait...

You can find his hovel on the Wrong Side of the Tracks in Seaside Town.

If you show up to his hovel wearing an outfit, he'll paint your portait, and you'll unlock a tattoo. But first, you need to help him find his stuff, namely his brush, palette, and paint.

He also buys rat whiskers for 50 meat apiece. If you have any of them, the message "Ooh, is that a rat whisker? I use those to repair my paintbrushes. I'll give you 50 Meat each for them..." will appear, in addition to the one above.

If you have a psychoanalytic jar you can use it on him:

Use psychoanalytic jar on him
You open up the jar and look into the patient's eyes.
Analjar full.gifYou acquire an item: jar of psychoses (The Pretentious Artist)

Outfit Text

No Outfit

Ah, but your clothing is so bland. Please -- give me something to work with...

8-Bit Finery

Ah! 8-bit Finery at its 8-bit finest! What adventures you must've had! Accept this painting.


It's so insubstantial! It will be like painting the air. You're lucky you came to me.

Animelf Apparel

Madness. It's all madness. It's weird, and I don't like it, so it's bad. Here.

Antique Arms And Armor

I say, what a fascinating collection of vintage armor! Ah, for the days when men were men, women were women, and the latest advancement in protective clothing was a vest made of pig-iron.

Antique Nutcracker Outfit

Oh, how elaborately festive!

Arboreal Raiment

Ah, the majestic evergreen, slaughtered in its prime to be gaudily decorated in an effort to amuse selfish, greedy children. Deck the halls, indeed.

Arrrbor Day Apparrrrrel

Oh, joy. Arrrbor Day. It's a holiday that's far too new to be retro, too trendy to be indie, and too bland to be enjoyed ironically. I mean, it's a holiday about trees, for crying out loud. What do you want me to do, paint you some happy little trees?

Well, I suppose I could do that, if I added a nigh-undetectable undercurrent of blistering irony.

Bakelite Brigandine

Black. Like my soul. I can work with this.

Bauxite Baubles

Such a paragon of pugilistic prowess would more appropriately be portrayed in stone, but alas that is not my medium, so you'll have to settle for a painting of stone, instead.

Bits o' Honey

Hurrying, buzzing, a single mind between them, mindlessly consuming. How like our society is a hive of bees. Disgusting.

Black Armaments

Black, like the pain in my soul. Black, like the tar in my lungs. Black. Perfect!

Blasphemous Bedizenment

Oh, I see you've spent some time in Hey Deze. As a cautiously seeking agnostic, I'm not sure I believe in Hey Deze, even though people go there all the time and bring back souvenirs.

I'll try and capture some of my internal cognitive dissonance in your tattoo.

Bounty-Hunting Rig

Mercenary. You care about nothing but Meat? Meat it is, then.

Bow Tux

Bows! This painting shall be a profound statement against the commercialization of Crimbo. Either that or just a picture of some Crimbo lights.

BRICKOfig Outfit

Ah! Your outfit! The angles, the planes, the basic geometric shapes! I never dreamed the Cubist movement would branch out into fashion! Please, allow me to paint something for you.

Brogre Brouture

Ugh. Those freakin' guys. I can't tell you how glad I was when they finally left this continent.

Bugbear Costume

A Bugbear costume! What a delight to commit to canvas! Voila!

Ceramic Suit

How appropriate, that you would dress like a toilet.

Chalk Chostume

Chalk is often the first medium a child works in, but the establishment forces them to solve cold equations, to dismantle poetry into diagrams, to repeat the same sentence again and again until it loses all meaning.

I forget where I was going with this.

Cheerful Reindeer Suit

Ugh. Just awful. The only thing worse than the crass commercialization of this holiday is the sentimental garbage that predated it.

Chiffon Chiffinery

So delicate. I want to destroy it, tear it thread from thread and rebuild something beautiful from the carbage. Yes, carbage is a word. A beautiful one.

Cloaca-Cola Uniform

Oh. I suppose you're going to criticize me for not "supporting" you. Here. You can wave it like a flag as you slaughter the innocent.

Clockwork Apparatus

Machines, machines, machines. What has happened to the world, that we allow machines to work, think, and feel for us? I will paint you a quick portrait, but then I have to vacuum.

Clothing of Loathing

Your... eyes. What are you seeing? Can you show me?

Cold Comforts

Ah, yes, you have some gear made out of double-ice. I was into double-ice years ago, and it was totally cool, but now the scene's kind of ruined since everyone knows about it.

Still, it's cool enough to chill even the warmest depths of the human heart. I shall attempt to capture that in my design.

Cool Irons

Oh. Cool.

Cooper's Couture

Are you as tired of barrels as I am? No? Okay then.

Crappy Mer-kin Disguise

The cold, uncaring Sea, and its bestial occupants. It's really no different than anywhere else.

Crimbo Duds

Crimbo! Oh, delightful Crimbo! What else could bring back the idyllic memories of childhood so poignantly. This painting shall be as heartwarming as it is thought-provoking.

Crimborg Assault Armor

Ah, a biomechanical menace. How suitable a metaphor for the corruptive influences of modern society. Sinister, yet... somehow sensual.

Crimbot Crimboutfit

When are you people going to grow up? Toy robots? At your age? It's embarrassing. You should be reading deep, insightful literature about the human condition, and watching boring black and white movies that don't make any sense.

Cursed Skeleton Pirate Costume

You're like... the fifth pirate I've seen today. Don't you clowns have a second idea stashed away somewhere?

Cursed Zombie Pirate Costume

Cursed. Don't talk to me about cursed. You think rotting limbs hurt? Nothing. Nothing compared to the pain in my soul. Take this. I don't want it anymore.

Dark Bro's Vestments

That is... What is that? What is this, this, here, in my mind? A symbol, written in burning blood. I... Get it out. Get it out!

Dinsey's Exoskeleton

Ugh. The worst artists always get the most recognition. Populist dreck.

Dire Drifter Duds

Ah, your garments suggest that you are scary as hell, like a hobo who was recently killed and buried in a cemetery where things come back to life, only they come back evil, because the soil of a man's heart is stonier, or some such. I shall try to capture that truth in my painting, once my hands stop shaking.

Dreadful Bugbear Suit

Such works, those tiny claws on this weak flesh. Monuments of destruction.

Dreadful Ghost Suit

Ah, the haunting spectre. I am... all too familiar with its hypnotic allure.

Dreadful Pajamas

Mustn't sleep. Must paint. Not much time left. So much to do. Mustn't sleep.

Dreadful Skeleton Suit

Death, horror, blunt trauma. It's always the same with you Adventurers. You're like... macabre sheep.

Dreadful Vampire Suit

That's more like it. If you're going to be a murderer, at least be an elegant murderer -- pay some attention to your craft!

Dreadful Werewolf Suit

Nature, red in tooth and claw. How like them we are. Bestial, disgusting.

Dreadful Zombie Suit

Every injury is a harbinger of worse. The scratch an infection, the bite a disease. Pain begets pain begets pain.

Dwarvish War Uniform

Ah, I see you're wearing the finery of the Dwarves of Mt. McLargehuge. Allow me to provide some embellishment... I don't actually know Dwarvish, but I expect I can approximate it from old take-out menus I've seen.

Dyspepsi-Cola Uniform

What's the matter? Can't find any innocent civilians to blow up? Here. Take this painting. I'll paint another copy later to burn in protest.

Eldritch Equipage

Ah, the sublime terror of nothing!

El Vibrato Relics

Oh, so you're wearing a... er... what is that, exactly? It's like nothing I've ever seen before -- so I'll paint like I've never painted before! And no, I don't mean 'as if this were the first time I've ever painted.'

Encephalic Ensemble

Ah! I see you've been riding the mindways! The brilliant, scintillating pathways of neurons, the energies of inspiration! Hold still one moment while I bask in the fires of creativity... ahhh... okay, I'm done. Here, let me paint you something to commemorate the occasion.

eXtreme Cold-Weather Gear

Bundled up from the cold, eh? Please, allow me to capture this eXtremely important moment in a painting...

Fancy Tux

Please, no, I'll get you your money, I sw... wait, you're that Adventurer.

FantasyRealm Thief's Outfit

Okay, I can appreciate the style, but... listen, just don't steal anything, okay?

FantasyRealm Warrior's Outfit

Oh good, you've figured out yet another way to embody senseless violence.

FantasyRealm Wizard's Outfit

Nice underwear, nerd.

Fiberglass Finery

Your clothes remind me of my childhood. Being pushed down by those boors on the unsafe playground equipment. Philistines, every one. I'll show them!

Filthy Hippy Disguise

Ah, the gentle beauty and poise of the hippy. Behold!

Floaty Fatigues

The earth. It is there from whence we come, and there to which we will all one day return. It is pure. Eternal. I will endeavor to make my work as pure and eternal.

Frat Boy Ensemble

Frat Boy, eh? Well, a deal is a deal. Here's your painting.

Frat Warrior Fatigues

Drunken brawling. How typical. I'd defecate on a canvas, but I don't want to waste either material. Begone.

Frigid Northlands Garb

Ah, the native garb of the Northern barbarian tribes! Such a gorgeous example of traditional craftsmanship! Allow me to commemorate this with a painting in the native style. I would use native tools as well, but I'm afraid I'm out of seal blood.

Furry Suit

Oh, great. A Furry. Enjoy your painting, pervert.

Gabardine Guise

Ugh. Some things are so out of style they never come back as retro.

Genie Garments

Ah, an allusion to the mystical myths of the middle east! Please, permit me to paint your portrait!

Ghast Iron Gear

Tch. If you're trying to be ironic, then I believe you've misunderstood the concept.

Gingerbread Best

Ugh. The holidays. How I loathe them.

Glad Bag Glad Rags

Such an upstanding person you are, taking what those undereducated and overpaid fools throw away every day and turning it into fine clothing! Here, accept this fine painting of a symbol which represents your commitment to society!

Gladiatorial Glad Rags

No matter how back in time you go, it's still just bullies everywhere you look.

Gnauga Hides

The Gnauga -- the toughest of creatures. I will paint a portrait that shows the softness hidden behind the tough exterior.

Government-Issued Garb

Ugh! You come into my studio dressed as the opposite of imagination? Fine, I'll draw you something, but then please leave immediately before I throw up.

Grass Guise

Ah, the majestic hula girl. So understated, so underappreci-- hey, is that plastic oyster grass! Ack! Here, if I give you this painting, will you leave before you get that stuff everywhere? It's so hard to get out of the dirt walls in here, you know.

Grimy Reaper's Vestments

The spectre of Death. How it haunts us all. But I... I shall live on forever, in my great masterpieces such as this one!

Hateful Habiliment

Hatred. What do you know of it. How can you... oh.


High-Radiation Mining Gear

Oh, so you've moved on to the industrialized pillaging of the environment! All hail the march of progress!

Hodgman's Regal Frippery

Ah, you are dressed as Hodgman, the king of the hobos! He is such an amazing post-modern purveyor of absurdist humor! No, I don't think he's just a crazy hobo -- he's a crazy genius hobo.

Hot and Cold Running Ninja Suit

A Ninja is You, I see. I shall capture your essence with skill and gusto.

Hot Daub Ensemble

Typical. You give an Adventurer enough clay to sculpt anything, and he sculpts himself.

Hyperborean Hobo Habiliments

Ah, your garments suggest that your heart is cold and empty, like that of a cold and empty hobo sleeping in a cold and empty vacant lot. I shall do my best to capture your frigid nothingness, provided you don't ask me for any spare change.

Knight's Armor

Your attire. It reminds me of that one night I spent in Bangkok, all those years ago. The world was my oyster!

Knob Goblin Elite Guard Uniform

The brute strength and questionable hygiene of the Knob Goblin Elite Guard. What an imposing figure your portrait shall cut!

Knob Goblin Harem Girl Disguise

Ah, the curious combination of attraction and disgust embodied by the Knob Goblin Harem Girl. What a beautiful and important painting this shall be!

Lathed Livery

They say that Michaelangelo once impressed a Pope by drawing a perfect freehand circle. Watch this!

Legendary Regalia of the Chelonian Overlord

Do my eyes deceive me? All these mystical artifacts of the Brotherhood of Turtle Tamers, assembled into a single outfit? Please, allow me to immortalize this moment!

Legendary Regalia of the Groovelord

To see so many ancient artifacts of the Masters of Groove worn by a single individual is truly inspirational! Please allow me to immortalize this momentous occasion!

Legendary Regalia of the Master Squeezeboxer

The ancient mystical artifacts of the Accordion Thieves are so shrouded in mystery, it is a major event to set eyes upon even a single one of them, let alone four! Please, I must commemorate this moment!

Legendary Regalia of the Pasta Master

Amazing! So many ancient artifacts of the ancient Pastamancers, together in a single glorious outfit! I must commemorate this event!

Legendary Regalia of the Saucemaestro

I am not easily astonished, but to see so many ancient artifacts of the Saucerors together in one place is awe-inspiring! Come over here into the light, so that I might immortalize this occasion.

Legendary Regalia of the Seal Crusher

Ah! The ancient artifacts of the Seal Clubber, incorporated into a single glorious outfit! You simply must allow me to commemorate this for posterity!


Ah, the Moonthril of the moon-bound elves. I know all about them, of course. I knew when everyone else was still talking about Yetis attacking Valhalla.

I much preferred it when they were up there alone, mutating and slowly dying. That's the kind of pain a true artist can share and appreciate. I'll try to channel that into this tattoo.

Marble Materials

You're like an ancient statue, but newer, and worse.

Mer-kin Gladiatorial Gear

More violence. How creative of you.

Mer-kin Scholar's Vestments

Academics. Pfft. What's the use of understanding things if you refuse to understand anything real.

Meteor Masquerade

Meaningless specks of cosmic dust, flashes in the pan. People love them, but they don't even know what they are. Sigh.

Miming Regalia

Oh, I didn't hear you come in.

Mining Gear

Ah, the dedication and integrity of the Dwarven Miner. I'll need lots of black paint for this...

Moss Mufti

Ah, moss. It's natural, like life, and the trail of death you left behind you as you earned it.

Mutant Couture

You see? You see what science has wrought? The loss of our essential humanity. Oh, our humanity!

Mutant Parts Apparel

Yes! Wonderful! Like Picasso and Bosch had a baby! Or, well, if two of their paintings did anyway. Hold still for a moment while I draw something appropriately nightmarish.

Oil Rig

Oil. On the one hand, it destroys the world. On the other hand, it allows us to experience the glorious agony of watching the world be destroyed.

OK Lumberjack Outfit

Ah, the stoic stoicity of our stoic neighbors to the north. I shall paint one of their most enduring symbols. Never mind that they only really have one enduring symbol.

Palmist Paraphernalia

A vacation. How I wish I even remembered the meaning of the word. My life is torment.


What is that? Oh, I see. That's a thing you use when you have a job. I wouldn't know about a thing like that.

Pinata Provisions

Papier-mâché! When we are young and starving, we make what we must with what we have.

I shall return to my roots. Primitive. Cheap. Authentic. Real.

PirateRealm Assortment

Hmm. So you're going for... vaguely Age of Sail themed? Okay then.

Pork Elf Prizes

Ah, the finery of the ancient Pork Elves! Such detailed craftsmanship, such grace and artistry!

Primitive Radio Duds

Ah, I see you're a proud supporter of Radio KoL! While I don't listen to the station myself -- they play bands you've heard of, and I only listen to bands you've never heard of -- I appreciate their scrappy, do-it-yourself attitude. I shall try to capture that indie spirit in my design.

Psychic Enpsemble

Fine, I'll paint your portrait. But no fair cheating and predicting what it's going to look like before I've finished.

Pyretic Panhandler Paraphernalia

Ah, your garments suggest that your brain is fevered and hot, like a fevered, hot hobo sleeping too close to a fevered, hot trash can fire. I am inspired to paint the hot and feverish images that would sear such a hobo's brains.

Pyrotechnic Paper Paraphernalia

I suppose arson is the most appropriate response to the news these days.

Radio Free Regalia

Radio! What a glorious invention. It shall inspire me to works of high concept -- I shall paint using not color, but sound!

Raiments of the Final Boss

Well, I guess I only have one option.

Roy Orbison Disguise

Only the lonely, indeed! You're a legend! An icon! Let me commit you to canvas.

Seafaring Suit

Your outfit perfectly blends the whimsy of a child's imagination with the harsh realities of life for the noble working sailor. The juxtaposition shall make beautiful tragic art.

Shadow Shuit

You think you've seen darkness. Now imagine if you could actually make any sense of what your eyes tell you. How much worse would it be?

Shallow Sea Fishing Outfit

It looks like you'd rather be fishing.

Wait. That gives me an idea.

Slime Enslamble

What... what are you wearing? Look, okay, I'll paint something, but let me put down some newspapers for you to stand on first.


That is... disgusting. Vile. And yet... intriguing. Perhaps I can... capture it. Yes! Yes!

Smoked Pottery

Is it 4:20 already? Daylight is wasting, and I've got so much art to share with the world!

SMOOCH Army Uniform

Ugh, I thought all of you were dead.

Snowman Suit

The frigid emptiness of life. The cold grip of loneliness. My hovel, which is freezing because I can't afford to pay my heating bill...

Snakeskin Suit

Ah yes! The noble snake! Well noble except for slithering around on the ground and being one of the main symbols of evil, I guess. Anyway, let me paint your picture.

Space Beast Furs

Great. As if there isn't enough annoying crap on this planet, you've got to bring some in from outside?

Spant Armor

The hive mind. The obviation of the self. I should have been an insect.

Spelunker's Gear

Well, at the very least I can appreciate your desire to remain underground.

Star Garb

You're a superstar, that's what you are! Allow me to capture this fact on canvas.

Sucker Samurai Suit

A samurai! As noble and skillful as it is oppressive and paternalistic. A paradox. A contradiction. An inspiration!

Swashbuckling Getup

Swashbucklery! What a grand theme for what will undoubtedly be a grand painting!

Synthetic Suit

Polyester? Come on. That's not even retro-cool anymore. You guys will just never get it.

Tapered Threads

Duct tape, eh? Clever! I shall glorify the substance, and its many uses, by immortalizing it as art!

Tawdry Tramp Togs

Ah, your garments suggest that you're the kind of hobo who hides in the bushes and makes furtive rustling noises as women walk by. I'm not sure why you wish to give that impression, but art pursues a higher calling. Moral judgment is so jejune, don't you think?

Terra Cotta Tackle

Ancient emperors built armies out of this stuff to guard their tombs, and look at them now. Everything is futile.

Terrifying Clown Suit

Nothing embodies the sheer terror and unpleasantness of childhood so much as the Clown. The Everyman shall see this painting and weep!

Terrycloth Tackle

Ah, the noble towel! Paragon of versitility and comfort! I shall paint your portrait on terrycloth to commemorate it.

The Emperor's New Clothes

Have some decency, would you!?

The Jokester's Costume

That's... That's not funny.

Thousandth Birthday Suit

All we are is... bones in the wind.

Time Trappings

Time. It heals all wounds, they say, but I have yet to verify that. Sigh. If I were truly inspired, this would be melting on a branch, or something, but I'm not in a surrealist mood right now. Here you go.


That doesn't really count as sculpture, you know. The bush does most of the work.

Toxic Togs

Augh. Just awful.

Transparent Trappings

Ah, I see you're enough of a badass that you've acquired the complete set of transparent finery!

While I don't suffer from such mundane and common impulses like modesty or decency, I will be able to capture the essence of your outfit better if you go stand behind that waist-high bush.

Trainbot Trappings

I'm not sure which is worse. The plutocrats who want to commercialize Crimbo, or the technocrats who want to "disrupt" it.

Tropical Crimbo Duds

Tropical Crimbo. I'm not sure whether to berate you for your crass commercialism, or for your sloth. I shall paint a portrait that expresses both!

Unblemished Uniform

Ah, I thought I heard some bad-ass clanking coming my way. Clearly, you are not only too metal for one hand, but too metal for one equipment slot.

I shall try to capture your stainless steel essence without giving in to cheap irony, or terrible puns.

Uncle Hobo's Rags

Ah, yes, the ongoing saga of Uncle Crimbo. Have you noticed how it mirrors the birth, death, and rebirth of the traditional Messianic quest, as well as embodying deep echoes of traditional hero and coming-of-age quests?

Or have you noticed that it appears to be an ongoing metaphor of the struggle between an artist and the plebeians who don't appreciate his art? Now, that's a struggle with which I can relate.

Vestments of the Treeslayer

Ah, you have clothed yourself in the bark of undead trees! I shall use them as a metaphor for the howling emptiness of human existence, and the heartbreak of Dutch Elm Disease.

Vile Vagrant Vestments

Ah, your garments suggest that your soul is decayed and rotting -- or at least that something is decaying and rotting. You do look and smell like a hobo who has slept in a dumpster for a week. I will try to capture that essence. No, don't come any closer, I can see you just fine.

Violent Vestments

More violence! More! Destroy everything!

War Hippy Fatigues

Ah, the futility of war. Man's inner struggle against both it and his own violent nature. Pop art it is.

Warbear Dress Armor

Ah, the usually violent bear, juxtaposed ironically with... nope. More violence.

Wax Wardrobe

Ah, childhood. Where we first learn to create art, and where we first learn to hate our critics.

Wicker Wear

Oh. If we're going with a 1970s aesthetic I suppose I'll make you a portrait out of macramé. Enjoy your disco or whatever.

Whittled Wearables

It's fine to make your own clothes, but maybe next time try a more appropriate medium.


Insufferable, your focus on your... husk. Pointless. Vain. Please leave now.

Wrought Wrappings

What shall I have wrought when this piece is finished?

Wumpus-Hair Wardrobe

Ah, the majestic wumpus, long ago hunted into extinction by profiteers and adrenaline junkies. Here, allow me to commemorate what a mighty murd-- I mean warrior you are.

Xiblaxian Stealth Suit

Who's there? Seriously. Is somebody there? Hello?

Yendorian Finery

The splendor of Yendor! It renders me aloft to the pinnacle of creativity!


  • The Artist's hovel had the following look before October 6, 2010.
  • The Artist is completely missing during a Zombie Slayer run -- no icon is shown in the Wrong Side of the Tracks and trying to use URL manipulation to visit him just sends you back to the tracks with no message.


  • Prior to an unknown point, during a Zombie Slayer run, the Artist was not at home:
The Pretentious Artist's dirt-walled hovel is empty, except for all the red paint splashed around the place.