The LAAAAME Observatory

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The LAAAAME Observatory The Remains of A Comet and an Observatory The Wet Remains of an Observatory

The LAAAAME Observatory was located on the Right Side of the Tracks. The former site of this observatory was once occupied by the Raffle House, but is now empty.

Historical Observatory Events

  • On May 15, 2006, The LAAAAME Observatory opened on the Right Side of the Tracks.
  • On May 16, 17, and 18, 2006, the Observatory closed:
One of the astronomers stops you at the door. "Our fundraiser was successful! We've ordered the new lenses, and had enough left over for new parts for the telescope, too! We are currently closed for upgrades. Please check back later."
  • On the evening of May 18, 2006, the Observatory reopened with more precise telescope controls (allowing the azimuth and altitude to be specified with precision in tenths of a degree) and removed the 25 Meat payment per usage.
  • The comet discovered on May 25, 2006 could be seen on the top menu, to the right of the moons, and appeared to be headed for Grimace. The comet on the top pane looked like Comet1.gif and in compact mode looked like Comet2.gif. It moved closer to Grimace every day.
  • On the evening of Friday, June 2, 2006, at approximately 10 minutes before rollover, a low rumbling was heard, a "KABOOM!" appeared in chat, adventurers' browsers shook, and the system began nightly maintenance early. The special rollover page displayed links to Duck and Cover!, How To Survive A Collision With An Earth-Shattering Asteroid, and Disaster Tips from the American Red Cross. Some adventurers were able to log in briefly during rollover and catch a glimpse of the effects.
  • On June 3, 2006, the following announcement appeared:
    We regret to inform any burgeoning astronomy fans in the Kingdom that the LAAAAME Observatory has been destroyed by a direct hit from a comet that ricocheted after colliding with Grimace. A large section of Grimace itself has fallen to the Desert Beach; it is recommended that adventurers not attempt to lick it.
  • On June 4, 2006, The Remains of A Comet and an Observatory was replaced by The Wet Remains of an Observatory.
    • Hagnk's Mostly-Burned-Down-then-Hit-By-a-Chunk-of-a-Comet Ancestral Mini-Storage was renamed to Hagnk's Mostly-Burned-Down-then-Hit-By-a-Chunk-of-a-Comet-then-Flooded-by-the-Melting-Comet Ancestral Mini-Storage.
  • On June 8, 2006, The Wet Remains of an Observatory were cleared away and construction began.
  • On June 13, 2006, The construction of the Raffle House was completed on the site of the observatory.

The following information is a historical account of the observatory.


Hey, and welcome to the LAAAAME Observatory. The members of LAAAAME (The Loathing Association of Amateur Astronomers, Astrologers, and Meteorology Enthusiasts) are glad to see so many adventurers interested in astronomy!

Our fundraiser is over! We have installed new, more powerful lenses in our telescope. We also had enough Meat left over to install new gears for our telescope, so now we can look at smaller, more precise bits of space. Thank you for your support!

In order to show our gratitude, you can use the biggest telescope in the Kingdom to do some stargazing, for free. Who knows? You could discover something no one has ever seen before!

You have spent X Adventures stargazing.

Coordinates of Interesting Things

Thing Discovery Coordinates
Star1.gif Star3.gif Star5.gif
Star2.gif Star4.gif

The stars are pretty, but they don't form anything interesting.

  any but the following
Mosquito Blur

You look through the lens and see... AAAAAAH! A giant space mosquito! You run out of the observatory screaming that the giant space mosquitos are attacking. Several people point at you and laugh. One old man says, "I knew it! See, I told you all along!" and dives into an underground shelter.

You run back into the observatory, look through the telescope to see how fast the space mosquitos are approaching, but all you see is empty space. Looks like the Kingdom is safe...for now.

after May 18, 2006 random

Unfixed Observables

Observable Discovery Coordinates
The Sun
The Sun


Hernia.gifYou acquire an effect: Temporary Blindness
(duration: 5 Adventures)
By Great Skeeve (#797993)
on May 15, 2006; 7:35 AM
(moving); ± 2.0°

"Ah yes!" says one of the astronomers. "There you see Ronald, the moon by which we set our calendar. Did you know that ancient astronomers believed it to be made of green cheese? A preposterous notion, of course! As you can see, the cheese is clearly gray in color."

By Roo (#367258)
on May 14, 2006; 11:35 PM
(moving); ± 2.0°

One of the astronomers nods, smiling. "I see you've found Grimace, one of our two moons. Due to its influence on magical energy, ancient scholars called it Magicus Gluteus, or 'The Wizard's Moon'. They also predicted that some sort of terrible catastrophe would befall it..." He turns to look at a calendar. "Well, any day now, actually. But naturally that's a load of rubbish. What could possibly happen?"

By Antipode (#306464)
on May 15, 2006; 1:35 AM
(moving); ± 2.0°
A Comet
A Comet

"Ah yes," says one of the astronomers. "Isn't that pretty? It was discovered by the Gift Shop Guy. We figure we'll name it after him, as soon as we find out what his name actually is."

On May 30, "Isn't that pretty?" instead read as "The comet."

Note: Since May 31, the above text was completely missing.

May 27: You comment that it looks a little bit larger today, and he replies cheerfully, "Yes, it's moved a bit closer to us. Hopefully, it'll get close enough for us to observe it in greater detail! Isn't it fascinating?"

May 28: You point out that it appears to have gotten even closer, and the astronomer looks a little nervous. "Yes. Well. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure! Nothing to worry about at all!"

May 29: You point out that it appears to have gotten even closer, but the astronomer doesn't respond. He just kind of stands there, chewing on his fingernails.

May 30: One of the astronomers runs up, saying "Aha! I worked out the math, and there's no need to worry about the comet hitting us at all!" You look at his notes, and point out that he forgot to carry the one. He starts biting his fingernails again.

May 31: You notice that the comet is still getting closer. You turn to mention it to one of the astronomers, but they're all huddled in the corner muttering to each other.

June 01: You notice that the comet is still getting closer. You turn to mention it to one of the astronomers, but they seem pretty busy. They appear to have covered every available scrap of paper with mathematical calculations. As well as the walls.

June 02:The comet looks pretty big now. It's a bit worrysome, really.

Suddenly, all the astronomers rush into the room cheering and popping champagne corks. "We did it! We're safe!"

"What's all this brou-ha-ha?" you ask.

"We finally got the calculations to come out right," says one, a wide grin plastered across his face. "It turns out that Grimace will pass through the path of the comet just before it hits us! The comet will be deflected off the moon! Woo-hoo!"

By The Gift Shop Guy
on May 25, 2006; 11:30 PM
74.3°, 238.9°


Location Discovery Coordinates
Mt. Noob
Mt. Noob

You think you can make out a tiny bird doing a jig, but it could just be your imagination.

By Binary Stars (#531005)
on May 14, 2006; 11:21 PM
Alt 0.0°, Az 88.0°
Mt. McLargeHuge
Mt. McLargeHuge

"The mountains are so pretty this time of year, don't you think?" gushes one of the astronomers.

By Cthules (#230334)
on May 14, 2006; 11:15 PM
Alt 0.0°, Az 92.0°
The Sorceress's Chamber
The Sorceress' Chamber

Hey, sweet. The sorceress's chamber. You strain your eyes, trying to see into the darkened chamber. A pair of the naughtiest and the most sorceressest eyes stare back at you for a moment. Then, there is a sudden flash of intense light! Aieee! Your rods and cones weren't built for this!

One of the astronomers frowns at you. "Serves you right! This telescope is for scientific inquiry, not base voyeurism," he says, adjusting his polarized sunglasses.

Hernia.gifYou acquire an effect: Temporary Blindness
(duration: 5 Adventures)
By UniqueUsername (#550028)
on May 14, 2006; 11:10 PM
Alt 1.0°, Az 110.0°
The Sorceress's Tower
The Sorceress' Tower

One of the Junior Astronomers comments, "Oooh. That's the tall tower in the Naughty Sorceress's Lair." There's a small flash of movement, and something vaguely cow-like moves by a window in the tower.

You hate that goddamned cow.

By Antipode (#306464)
on May 14, 2006; 11:08 PM
Alt 0.0°, Az 110.0°
The Penultimate Fantasy Airship
The Penultimate Fantasy Airship

The airship floats, not moving in the sky. You wonder how it can stay aloft when its props aren't moving. Those be some mad props, yo.

By Terrabull (#509986)
on May 14, 2006; 11:06 PM
Alt 45.0°, Az 150.0°
The Castle in the Clouds in the Sky
The Castle in the Clouds in the Sky

Just as you focus the image, a tiny (yet giant) beer can is ejected from the side of the Castle.

By Beezel (#835407)
on May 14, 2006; 11:09
Alt 80.0°, Az 150.0°
The Hole in the Sky
The Hole in the Sky

"Ah, the Hole in the Sky!" comments one of the astronomers as you bring it into focus. "You know, it's not really an actual hole in the sky, that's just a silly superstition. It's merely a portion of our ozone layer that has become thin enough to permit travellers to escape our atmosphere."

When you ask him what caused it, he mutters something about adventurers using too much hairspray.

By bewaremypinky (#907328)
on May 14, 2006; 11:29 PM
Alt 88.0°, Az 190.0°


Constellation Discovery Coordinates
The Astronomer
The Astronomer

The Astronomer grins at you and waves his megaphone. Or telescope. Or whatever that thing is.

By Ubermonkey (#532178)
on May 14, 2006; 11:22 PM
Alt 33.0°, Az 201.0°
The Burrowing Bishop
The Burrowing Bishop

"Ah yes," says one of the junior astronomers, "The Burrowing Bishop, one of the lesser-known constellations."

It twinkles angrily, as though it resents being spied on.

By Mr Hardnoodle (#553925)
on May 15, 2006; 2:48 AM
Alt 76.0°, Az 112.0°
The Family Jewels
The Family Jewels

You focus the telescope on the Family Jewels. They twinkle in the sky like, well... jewels.

By padmaclynne (#388616)
on May 14, 2006; 11:25 PM
Alt 42.0°, Az 50.0°
The Hooded Warrior
The Hooded Warrior

The Hooded Warrior glimmers angrily, as though looking for a celestial-sized dam-building mammal to slay.

By Zap Rowsdower (#139771)
on May 14, 2006; 11:29 PM
Alt 36.0°, Az 285.0°
The Junk
The Junk

The Junk sails majestically across the night sky. Well, technically speaking, it remains stationary while the planet turns, and relative motion makes it look like it's sailing majestically across the night sky. That's not as poetic, though.

By Themara (#487781)
on May 14, 2006; 11:24 PM
Alt 65.0°, Az 355.0°
One-Eyed Willie
One-Eyed Willie

The constellation winks at you. Or maybe he's just blinking. It's sort of hard to tell.

By grblpwr (#222903)
on May 14, 2006; 11:28 PM
Alt 55.0°, Az 235.0°
The Pork Sword
The Pork Sword

One of the junior astronomers shakes his head. "Clearly, what our ancient ancestors lacked in technology, they made up for with great advances in toilet humor."

By UncreativeName (#584972)
on May 14, 2006; 11:27 PM
Alt 69.0°, Az 37.0°
The Skinflute
The Skinflute

That's odd, you're not familiar with this constellation. It sparkles in a slightly unnerving way.

By VlZION (#785581)
on May 14, 2006; 11:27 PM
Alt 38.0°, Az 333.0°
The Trouser Snake
The Trouser Snake

Peering through the telescope, you catch a glimpse of the Trouser Snake. "Nice pants," comments one of the astronomers. "Err, pant."

By Dehstil (#301830)
on May 14, 2006; 11:10 PM
Alt 60.0°, Az 80.0°
The Twig and Berries
The Twig and Berries

"That constellation hasn't been seen in our skies for quite a long time," says one of the astronomers. "It's only recently that it's become visible again, due to... um... well, you wouldn't understand. Astronomer stuff."

By Terrance (#355226)
on May 15, 2006; 12:25 AM
Alt 81.0°, Az 259.0°

Zodiac Signs

Zodiac Sign Discovery Coordinates
The Blender
The Blender

"That's one of the Kingdom's zodiac signs," says an astronomer. "The ancient astrologers got to it before the astronomers could come up with another double entendre."

By Alexandrine (#530710)
on May 19, 2006; 2:43 AM
Alt 21.4°, Az 242.7°
The Marmot
The Marmot

You focus the telescope on a small cluster of stars. "Nice marmot," comments one of the astronomers.

By Keo the Quick (#638329)
on May 19, 2006; 2:55 AM
Alt 48.5°, Az 203.1°
The Mongoose
The Mongoose

"Ah yes," says one of the astronomers. "That's one of the few constellations that were named by astrologers, rather than astronomers." He squints at it, adding "I really can't see the resemblance, though."

By Sputbot (#708096)
on May 19, 2006; 12:11 AM
Alt 11.5°, Az 105.5°
The Opossum
The Opossum

"I see you've found one of the few constellations that wasn't named by ancient astronomers," says a non-ancient astronomer. "The zodiac people got to it first. I guess you'd have to be the sort of person who can see a tall, dark stranger in a wad of tea leaves, to see how that looks like an Opposum."

By none (#856780)
on May 18, 2006; 10:52 PM
Alt 53.5°, Az 181.5°
The Packrat
The Packrat

One of the astronomers comments, "That's one of the nine constellations that wasn't named by the early astronomers. Apparently, it has some sort of mystical significance." He squints at it for a moment, then shrugs.

By Quasistoic (#706585)
on May 19, 2006; 1:49 AM
Alt 5.5°, Az 258.5°
The Platypus
The Platypus

"Ah yes," says one of the astronomers, "One of our local Zodiac signs. I think that star on the right is meant to be the bill. Or... maybe the tail."

By ShacklefordiusDumbassius (#615410)
on May 19, 2006; 2:32 AM
Alt 50.5°, Az 158.5°
The Vole
The Vole

"The astrologers got to that one before ancient astronomers got to name it," says a nearby astronomer. "I can't say it looks much like a vole, but maybe it's just me."

By Lexicon (#606649)
on May 19, 2006; 1:24 AM
Alt 40.5°, Az 143.5°
The Wallaby
The Wallaby

One of the astronomers nods. "That's one of our constellations that was named by ancient fortune-tellers, rather than astronomers. Not sure how they got a wallaby out of that, but..."

By Skiam1 (#634149)
on May 19, 2006; 2:18 AM
Alt 27.5°, Az 125.5°
The Wombat
The Wombat

One of the astronomers looks at what you've found. "That's the Wombat, first identified by ancient astrologers. Um... does that look like a wombat to you?"

By LCJS (#527232)
on May 19, 2006; 1:01 AM
Alt 36.5°, Az 220.5°


Nebula Discovery Coordinates
The Caligula Nebula
The Caligula Nebula

You see a cluster of stars in a shape that looks somewhat naughty, but is obscured by a giant black bar between you and the telescope. "That's the Caligula Nebula," an astronomer says. "We've been trying to figure out what's behind that black bar for a long, long time. Seriously. We've spent hours and hours researching it."

"I'm sure you have," you reply.

"No, seriously, it was for science!"

"Suuuure it was."

By Becca (#538121)
on May 18, 2006; 10:56 PM
Alt 34.2°, Az 78.7°
The Fibula Nebula
The Fibula Nebula

You see a cluster of stars shaped much like one of the bones in your lower leg. "That's the Fibula Nebula," the astronomer says. "We initially called it the 'Shinbone' Nebula, because it's connected to the Anklebone Nebula, but that wasn't fun enough to say. We even made up a little song about it after we changed the name."

He dances around you and sings "Salikadooola, mitchikabooola, fibula nebula BOO!"

You quickly move your fibulae away from him as fast as you can.

By wexler (#384581)
on May 19, 2006; 1:08 AM
Alt 23.2°, Az 117.6°
The Kasem Nebula
The Kasem Nebula

You see a cluster of stars that looks vaguely like a human head. "What's that one?" you ask.

"That's the Kasem Nebula," the astronomer responds. "It was a special late-night dedication to a well-known radio announcer."

"I don't think it looks like anybody in particular," you respond. "Don't I know it. We have at least ten reasons why it should be named after him anyway, though. Number 10: since nobody knows what he looks like, it might very well look like him..."

You get bored and wander off.

By aflyingevilcow (#731365)
on May 19, 2006; 4:44 PM
Alt 88.4°, Az 237.8°
Nebulous Nebula
The Nebulous Nebula

You look through the telescope, and discover a distant nebula.

Wait... is that a nebula? You're pretty sure it's a nebula, but... hmm.

By Digger T Stone (#745219)
on May 19, 2006; 12:42 AM
Alt 21.6°, Az 226.8°
The Rock Lobster Nebula
The Rock Lobster Nebula

Wait a minute, that's not a rock-shaped nebula! It's a rock lobster-shaped nebula!

Do you know where your matching towels are? Yeah, you're gonna be okay.

By Teriyaki Thaumaturge (#618067)
on May 19, 2006; 10:31
Alt 27.3°, Az 58.7°
The Stapler Nebula
The Stapler Nebula

One of the astronomers mumbles "they told me i could name one of the nebulas so i named it the stapler nebula because i like staplers but lumbergh said that wasn't a good name for a nebula and he said he was going to change the name but they said i could name it whatever i wanted and that was what i wanted to name it so that's what i named it and if they name it something else i'm going to burn the observatory down."

By hoolahoophug (#612691)
on May 20, 2006; 7:04 AM
Alt 34.8°, Az 343.3°


Galaxy Discovery Coordinates
Distant Galaxy 555-FILM
Distant Galaxy 555-FILM

You see a distant galaxy that is covered with a murky haze. An astronomer walks up and addresses you in a booming voice: "You've found A DISTANT GALAXY," he says. "Push ONE for A CLEARER VIEW! Push TWO for DONATING TO THE OBSERVATORY! Push THREE for GETTING ME TO SHUT UP!"

You look aroud and can't find anything with numbers on it you should push. So you figure "three" must be code for "my nose," and "push" code for "punch."

It works pretty well.

By Tonedeaf Duff (#526530)
on May 19, 2006; 3:26 PM
Alt 28.6°, Az 289.3°
Distant Galaxy 867-5309
Distant Galaxy 867-5309

You focus the telescope on a far-off galaxy. "I don't know much about it," says one of the astronomers, "But I've heard you can have a good time there." You try to imagine that, but find it kind of disturbing. You start getting dizzy, and wish you had something you could hold onto.

By Tabereins (#892935)
on May 24, 2006; 12:40 AM.
Alt 46.3°, Az 310.1°
Distant Galaxy 90210
Distant Galaxy 90210

"Ugh," says one of the astronomers when you show him your find. "The galaxy where all the people are beautiful, and they all have beautiful people problems. And all the high-school chicks are, like, thirty years old. God, I hate them."

By DILLIGAF_2005 (#754869)
on May 19, 2006; 1:24 PM
Alt 28.3°, Az 307.7°
Distant Galaxy NCC-1701
Distant Galaxy NCC-1701

"It's... incredible," says one of the astronomers. "A far distant galaxy... teeming with... unknown alien... life! Who knows what... wonders... it might hold?" He breaks into a coughing fit. "Ack, sorry, had something caught in my throat."

By Kanna (#509537)
on May 19, 2006; 12:58 AM
Alt 81.8°, Az 14.5°
Distant Galaxy NGC-404
Distant Galaxy NGC-404

Huh, that's strange. You could've sworn you saw a galaxy through the telescope, but when you looked again, it was nowhere to be found.

By squeedude (#640663)
on May 20, 2006; 12:48 PM
Alt 36.8°, Az 297.4°
Distant Galaxy NGC-575
Distant Galaxy NGC-575

Twinkle twinkle, stars
How I wonder where you are
Oh wait, you're right here.

By raspberrybuddha (#307195)
on May 19, 2006; 12:15 AM
Alt 66.7°, Az 128.3°
Distant Galaxy THX-1138
Distant Galaxy THX-1138

You see a distant galaxy of stars glowing with a pure, sterile white light. "Oh yeah," one of the astronomers says, "that's a great galaxy. We were thinking, though, that it'd be better if we put a couple of different filters on the telescope to make it glow different colors. And then we could draw new stars on the lens so they'd almost look like they're in the galaxy. Then everyone would pay to look at it again, because it'd be more special."

You shake your head and walk away.

By jolly man2 (#793974)
on May 19, 2006; 3:56 PM
Alt 22.4°, Az 181.3°
The Snickers Galaxy
The Snickers Galaxy

This galaxy is shaped like a laughing person's face. Or, at least it is when you tilt your head to the left and squint really hard. If you still don't see it, keep squinting until your eyes are completely closed. Then imagine a laughing face made out of stars. There, are you satisfied? I mean, really satisfied?

By AnalAvenger (#70563)
on May 19, 2006; 2:45 AM
Alt 75.3°, Az 211.1°


Asteroid Discovery Coordinates
Asteroid B-612
Asteroid B-612

You focus the telescope on a tiny planetoid, with a little blond kid standing on it (not pictured). He waves at you cheerfully, then goes back to chatting with a flower underneath a glass dome.

By stuffandthings (#579376)
on May 21, 2006; 5:04 AM
Alt 15.8°, Az 344.4°
The Asteroid Pants
The Asteroid Pants

You focus the telescope on a large trouser-shaped formation of asteroids. Wow, they'll need a pretty big belt. (rimshot)

By Palpy (#539040)
on May 21 5:20 PM.
Alt 63.9°, Az 312.5°
The Dog's Milk Asteroid
The Dog's Milk Asteroid

You see a large, white, crystalline formation. One of the astronomers looks at it, and says, "According to our records, that was created when a passing spacecraft flushed about a million gallons of dog's milk out of their cargo hold." He shakes his head regretfully. "What a sorry waste."

By FaQ (#15061)
on May 21, 2006; 10:57 AM
Alt 77.4°, Az 68.3°


Thing Discovery Coordinates
A Ball Of Gray Goo
A Ball Of Gray Goo

You spot a ball of gray goo, that appears to be filled with small asteroids and bits of space debris. "What's that?" you ask one of the astronomers. "We're not sure. It's just some big ball of gray goo. It seems to be moving straight toward us, but I wouldn't worry too much about it."

By HolderOfSecrets (#216194)
on May 30 12:18 PM.
Alt 85.0°, Az 330.1°
Black Hole Sun
Black Hole Sun

You focus the telescope on a small sun, orbiting a black hole. Huh. That must be why there's no rain in space.

"Oh, you found the Black Hole Sun," an astronomer says. "We took some video of it, but it was the freakiest thing anyone had ever seen, so we destroyed it."

By Boel (#719952)
on May 20, 2006; 4:26 AM
Alt 22.7°, Az 36.3°
Compact-Round-Thing World
Compact-Round-Thing World

You see a planet floating in space. Well, not exactly a planet -- it's round, but completely flat on the top. Underneath, it's shiny, with a hole in the center, and rests on the backs of four elephants, who rest on the back of a giant turtle swimming his way through space.

"Wow," you say. "That looks really, really funny. And lucrative. And... prolific, somehow."

You figure seeing something that strange has got to be a good omen.

By Motty (#189481)
on May 19, 2006; 11:33 AM
Alt 86.5°, Az 55.8°

"That's Eddie," says an astronomer. "We're not sure what he's doing out there in the space-time continuum. I knew he was a no-good kid, though."

One of the other astronomers asks, "Do you think we should give him his sofa back?"

By MysticMelvin (#420631)
on May 19, 2006; 2:44 AM
Alt 86.8°, Az 134.4°
The Eluder
The Eluder

You see a spaceship made of spheres and rods. It's darting around nervously and shaking, as though fleeing from some unseen foe -- you wouldn't have thought it was possible for a spaceship to look scared, but this one does.

By Noskilz (#246046)
on May 21, 2006; 2:20 AM
Alt 16.7°, Az 17.6°
A Funk-Powered Space Train
A Funk-Powered Space Train

You peer through the telescope, and see what appears to be a steam locomotive, orbiting a giant space cow. So that's what space cowboys herd.

Are you still eating those herb brownies? Seriously, you need to cut down on those.

By Brent Oberlin (#263090)
on May 20, 2006; 3:12 AM
Alt 67.5°, Az 201.7°
Hail to the Space, Baby
Hail to the Space, Baby

You look through the telescope and gasp at the sight of a gigantic fetus, floating in space! Man, I hope the Prussians don't get wind of this...

One of the astronomers looks at it and says, "Mmmmmm... nope. I got nothin'."

By Tralk (#203822)
on May 18, 2006; 11:19 PM
Alt 11.1°, Az 301.0°
An Insignificant Little Blue-Green Planet
An Insignificant Little Blue-Green Planet

You look through the telescope, and see a small blue-green planet out on the western spiral arm of the galaxy. Not very interesting, but you ask one of the astronomers about it anyway. He tells you it's mostly harmless, even if the inhabitants do have an disproportionate interest in digital watches.

By shalena (#284442)
on May 21, 2006; 2:40 PM.
Alt 56.3°, Az 277.4°
A Lovely Satellite
A Lovely Satellite

"Ah yes," says one of the astronomers. "We've noticed that craft before. One of the junior astronomers was able to pick up radio transmissions from it. Whatever he heard must have been horrible, though, as he instantly died of a brain aneurysm. Maybe it was a terrible secret of space." He shakes his head sadly. "All they found in his pockets were a penny and a broken cigarette."

By Sparkythewonderstoat (#849526)
on May 20, 2006; 1:41 PM
Alt 11.6°, Az 56.4°

You see something that looks like a woman floating in space. "Hey, what is this?" you ask.

"Oh, that's Lucy. Y'know, in the sky."

"What?" you ask. "It looks like some kind of cro-magnon to me. How'd you get that name? You've got some 'splaining to do."

"Okay, well, Lucy was one of our fellow astronomer's ex-girlfriends. She used to drive him crazy -- leaning on his piano all the time, never left him alone -- she was completely lawless! So he named this ugly astronomical object after her."

By Mettle (#294127)
on May 19, 2006; 9:11 AM
Alt 19.5°, Az 316.8°
Major Tom
Major Tom

You focus the telescope on some guy sitting in a tin can, far above the world. That's an oddity; he's floating in a most peculiar way.

"Don't bother talking to him," says one of the astronomers. "He can't hear you."

By Urkle (#72163)
on May 19, 2006; 7:14 PM
Alt 33.9°, Az 111.2°
Mmmm, Pie.
Mmmm, Pie.

You focus the telescope on a giant pie, floating in space. "We tried to find out what kind it is," says one of the astronomers, "But it turned out to be miles too high."

By D_W (#600065)
on May 22, 2006; 6:50 PM
Alt 10.1°, Az 202.6°
Oh My God, They're Docking
Oh My God, They're Docking

You look through the telescope, and see two space-stations connected by tubes and hoses. They must be attempting some sort of crossover.

By SweetLovin (#127329)
on May 31, 2006; 9:45 PM
Alt 54.5°, Az 17.9°
Omicron Persei VIII
Omicron Persei VIII

You look through the telescope, and see what appears to be a harsh, violent-looking planet. Fortunately, we've got about a thousand years before they start receiving our stupid tv broadcasts.

By doomnloom (#911512)
on May 19, 2006; 5:29 PM
Alt 39.1°, Az 253.6°
Planet Bollywood
Planet Bollywood

You focus the telescope on a small, gaily-colored planet. It's almost as though you can hear the festive music of a thousand simultaneous weddings. You see an elephant lumber by one sarong-clad bride, who starts weeping tears made of hundreds of tiny orchids. Suddenly, her long-lost uncle shows up, holding a giant silver key. She smiles at him and everyone bursts into song.

By DuckApe (#673899)
on May 20, 2006; 12:08 AM
Alt 32.7°, Az 25.9°
The Sinister Dodecahedron
The Sinister Dodecahedron

You focus the telescope on a giant dodecahedron floating in deep space. As the focus clears, it shows that the dodecahedron is a giant space ship! "Oh yeah," one of the astronomers says. "That ship is a scouting vessel for an advanced alien race. We intercepted some of their transmissions. They're going to eventually come here and take over the planet, and force all of us to replace our body parts with clockwork."

"Isn't anyone doing anything about it?" you ask.

"Well, we were going to resist, but we figured it was futile. Besides, I'm looking forward to having a clockwork arm."

By BlackMage (#39729)
on May 20, 2006; 12:56 AM
Alt 55.6°, Az 122.8°
A Small Moon
A Small Moon

You look through the telescope, and see some kind of metallic sphere floating in space. "We're pretty sure that's just a small moon," says one of the astronomers. "It seems to be fully operational, though. Y'know. As a moon."

By Rollo Tomasi (#263183)
on Jun 01, 2006; 7:19 PM
Alt 66.0°, Az 248.3°
The Space Bar
The Space Bar

You focus the telescope on a dimly lit tavern floating in the middle of deep space. "Oh yeah, that's the Space Bar," one of the astronomers says. "Their drinks are OUT OF THIS WORLD! Get it? Get it?"

"Yeah," you say. "I hear their prices are ASTRONOMICAL."

The astronomer blinks at you. "I don't get it."

By Grumblezz (#305808)
on June 02, 2006; 3:08 AM
Alt 63.3°, Az 337.5°
Space Cowboy
Space Cowboy

When you look through the telescope, you're a bit surprised to see a cowboy floating around out there. You mention it to one of the astronomers, who says, "Oh yeah, that's Malcolm. That's what I call him, anyway; Bob over there calls him 'Maurice'. We don't know his real name, but he's a real gangster of love." He looks through the telescope and waves as Malcolm rides off. "See you, space cowboy."

By AkAhAd (#625199)
on May 30, 2006; 5:17 PM
Alt 86.2°, Az 101.1°
The Spirit in the Sky
The Spirit in the Sky

You see a huge, spectral bottle of hard liquor float past your field of vision. "What's that thing?" you ask. "How can a bottle of booze have a ghost?"

"Oh," the astronomer replies. "That's the Spirit in the Sky. Some people believe that's where you go when you die."

"When you die, and you're laid to rest, you go live in a big bottle of liquor? Huh. Sounds like a pretty good religion," you say.

By Blackknightofhell (#810210)
on May 19, 2006; 3:55 PM
Alt 11.1°, Az 162.4°
A Very Surprised-Looking Whale
A Very Surprised-Looking Whale

Looking through the telescope, you see a sperm whale floating in space. You're pretty surprised, but not half as surprised as the whale appears to be. After all, its being out there is impossible... or at least, wildly improbable.

By Doctor Eleven (#805038)
on May 18, 2006; 10:30 PM
Alt 41.2°, Az 188.0°
The Zinc Surfer
The Zinc Surfer

You look through the telescope and see a giant metal man standing on a surfboard, surfing the cosmic waves.

"Oh yeah, that's the Zinc Surfer," an astronomer says. "He used to work for some guy who ate planets, but now he pretty much surfs all day and drinks all night."

"I think I went to college with that guy," you say.

By Spooky666 (#608685)
on May 22, 2006; 8:50 PM
Alt 46.2°, Az 116.4°

And Finally...

Thing Discovery Coordinates
The End of the Universe
The End of the Universe

You focus the telescope out as far as it can go, and spot a small signpost on the edge of... well, everything.

"Nice place for a restaurant," comments one of the astronomers.

By Ravana (#611469)
on May 18, 2006; 8:45 PM
Alt 89.9°, Az 359.9°

Undiscovered Distant Objects

Three objects were not discovered before the Observatory's destruction:

Undiscovered Discovery Coordinates
The 1337 Nebula
The 1337 Nebula

Incredible! A nebulous anomaly! An anomalous nebula!

Actually, you should never be able to see this. If you managed to figure out how, kudos!

Nobody (unknown)
A Red Hole
A Red Hole

You focus the telescope on a creepy, blood-red, whirling hole in space. It doesn't appear to have a giant hand on either side, but still... Brr. You'd like it much better if it were painted black.

Nobody (unknown)
Distant Galaxy 55378008
Distant Galaxy 55378008

This galaxy is unusually flat. So much so that it's practically two-dimensional. On the bright side, though, it's got a lovely personality.

Nobody (unknown)


  • For discovering an interesting thing:
Congratulations! You were the first person to find <interesting thing>. Your achievement has been noted. To reward your significant contribution to our field, we present you with this, our highest honor!
Smerit.gifYou acquire an item: Senior LAAAAME merit badge
  • For spending 50 Adventures Stargazing:
As a reward for spending 50 Adventures stargazing, here is one of our merit badges! We commend your exemplary dedication to the science of Astronomy!
Jmerit.gifYou acquire an item: Junior LAAAAME merit badge
  • For each 100 Adventures spent Stargazing:
As a reward for having spent [another] 100 Adventures, you have earned some delicious astronaut ice-cream!
Astroice.gifYou acquire an item: astronaut ice-cream
  • For having already spent more than 100 Adventures Stargazing before the upgrade:
Oh, looks like we owe you some ice cream.
Astroice.gifYou acquire some astronaut ice-creams


  • It was possible to go stargazing while you were falling-down drunk.
  • The adventure counter did not reset upon ascension.
  • Times listed on the observatory page were consistent with the time zone set in your profile.
  • With the effect Temporary Blindness, the following message appeared:
"Uh, <sir/ma'am>? That's most assuredly not the telescope. Maybe you should come back when you can see again."
  • All of the Zodiac signs looked the same, except the images were rotated and mirrored differently for each.
  • The Sun and moons only appeared on the list when they were visible. The coordinates in the list changed every half-hour for these three items as they moved through the sky. When they set, they dropped off the list because they were below the horizon and therefore not visible through the telescope. When they rose, they re-appeared on the list and did not need to be rediscovered. A graph of the positions of The Sun can be found here. They rose and set at the same time each day. The observed rise and set times were:
    • The Sun: 05:35 -- 19:35 KT
    • Ronald: 21:35 -- 07:05 KT
    • Grimace: 23:35 -- 09:05 KT
      • KT = KoL Time, which is currently seven hours behind GMT, making it equal to US PDT or MST.
    • Since the Sun and moons always rose and set at the same times each day, they always maintained the same positions in the sky in relation to each other. That means the moons' phases are NOT an effect caused by viewing the moons' lit sides from different angles, such as the Earth's Moon. This shows there must be some other reason for the moons' phases. The easiest answer is magic.
  • Even if you discovered multiple objects, you would have only received one Senior LAAAAME merit badge. The only person to accomplish this was Antipode, who discovered Grimace and The Sorceress' Tower.


  • The giant space mosquito may be a reference to an episode of The Simpsons in which a moth passing a telescope is briefly perceived as a giant alien space moth. That episode itself is likely a reference to the short story by Edgar Allan Poe titled, "The Sphinx" that has now been completely spoiled for you.
  • "Your rods and cones weren't built for this!" is a reference to the Blue Man Group song, Rods And Cones.
  • Throughout the objects, there are numerous references to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.

Unfixed Observables

  • Ronald's description about people believing that it was made of green cheese refers to the idea of the Earth's moon being made of cheese.
  • Grimace's description refers to an idea Jick once had on a radio show - to have a comet collide with it and change its orbit, making the moon phases less predictable.
  • The description of the comet refers to Gorblax's relentless campaign to give the Gift Shop Guy a name.


  • "You hate that goddamned cow" reflects the sentiment of many Hardcore players and speed ascenders when they encountered the Enraged Cow in The Sorceress' Tower pre-NS13.
  • The Airship text mentions "mad props", which is a slang phrase used to thank someone for their work.
  • "Adventurers using too much hairspray" jokes at the fact that hair spray is used very frequently by Hardcore players. It also refers to the belief that Earth's Ozone hole was enlarged by CFCs, sometimes used as a propellant in hairspray cans, released into the atmosphere.


  • The "dam-building mammal" mentioned in The Hooded Warrior's description refers to a euphemism for female genitalia.

Zodiac Signs

  • "Nice Marmot" is a reference to the movie The Big Lebowski, in which the nihilists threaten the Dude by bringing a "marmot" and throwing it into his bathtub with him. It may also refer to this quote from Naked Gun:
    Frank Drebin: "Saayyy, nice beaver."
    Jane Spencer, producing a stuffed beaver: "Thanks. I just had it stuffed."


  • The Caligula Nebula refers to the various purported sexual deviancies of the Roman Emperor Caligula, as detailed in the notorious film of the same name by Tinto Brass. Whilst boasting a strong and respectable cast, the film's claim to be a serious treatment of Imperial Rome was hardly helped by the circulation of "extended" versions featuring roughly cut hardcore porn. All in the name of research, of course.
  • "Salikadooola, mitchikabooola, fibula nebula BOO!" in the description of the Fibula Nebula refers to the song "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" from Disney's Cinderella.
  • The image title for the fibula nebula is "boned". Haha, he said fibula.
  • The top ten reasons they named the nebula Kasem Nebula is a reference to the television show fronted by Casey Kasem called America's Top Ten.
  • The Rock Lobster Nebula references:
    • The song "Rock Lobster" by the B-52s, which contains the lyrics "It wasn't a rock / It was a rock lobster!" and "Everybody had matching towels!" In addition, the question "Do you know where your matching towels are?" is a reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, which purports that you will always be fine as long as you know where your towel is. Also, one of the books in the series, Young Zaphod Plays it Safe, features a planet where the best lobsters in the universe are found, and the natives are startled by an approaching spacecraft because of how little it resembles a lobster. Furthermore, "Yeah, you're gonna be ok" refers to an episode of Family Guy wherein Peter sings "Rock Lobster" to cheer up a friend whose wife left him.
    • The real-life Crab Nebula.
  • The stapler nebula is a reference to Mike Judge's Milton cartoons, which aired on Liquid Television and Saturday Night Live and ultimately inspired the movie Office Space.


  • "Distant Galaxy 555-FILM" refers to some places around the world, and more notably an episode of Seinfeld called "The Pool Boy", where the phone number for Moviefone is 555-3456, or 555-FILM. After calling the phone number, you ask for a movie and are answered with the message "You've found (name of movie)", as in the game reference "You've found A DISTANT GALAXY." After this, you are given messages for what you want next in the form "Push (number) for (option)!", as in the game reference "Push THREE for GETTING ME TO SHUT UP!"
  • Distant Galaxy 867-5309 is a reference the song "867-5309/Jenny" by Tommy Tutone. The description also involes serveral of the lyrics from "867-5309/Jenny", such as "You give me something I can hold onto," "I tried my imagination / But I was disturbed" and "For a good time / for a good time call."
  • The name and description of Distant Galaxy 90210 refer to the American television drama Beverly Hills, 90210, which was notorious for its preoccupation with beautiful people with beautiful people problems, as well as for its being cast with actors much older than their characters were supposed to be.
  • Trekkies young and old will recognize NCC-1701 as the alphanumerics of The Enterprise. Also, the numerous pauses in the text ("...") are a reference to William Shatner's style of speaking in the original Star Trek series.
  • Distant Galaxy NGC-404 is a reference to the HTTP 404 error message, which indicates that the object sought was not found. The image name is "404d.gif", a reference to the 404 error on Homestar Runner, and the image itself (a box with an X inside) is what Microsoft Internet Explorer displays in place of missing or malformed images.
  • Distant Galaxy NGC-575 is named for the number of syllables on each line of a Haiku. Its description is a haiku.
  • "Distant Galaxy THX-1138" is a reference to George Lucas's first feature film, THX 1138, and also the remake of his original Star Wars films. The remakes were not different in storyline, but they had additional special effects and the old ones were cleaned up. They were released in theaters as new movies.
  • The Snickers Galaxy is a parody of our own Milky Way galaxy, both being brands of candy bars. The description also incorporates the advertising slogan "Snickers really satisfies you". The image filename for it is marsbar.gif, which is also a candy bar.
  • The part in the Snickers Galaxy about it looking like a face "when you tilt your head to the left and squint really hard" is a reference to Internet smileys, such as the famous :-)
  • Distant Galaxy 55378008 refers to the practice of entering "55378008" into a calculator and turning the calculator upside-down so that it reads as "BOOBLESS" -- note that, unlike the other galaxies, Galaxy 55378008 has no hump in the middle.


  • Asteroid B-612 refers to the titular character in The Little Prince on his home asteroid with his friend, the rose under a glass dome. Jick's picture of the planet features the little prince's two volcanoes and one baobab tree.
  • In the description for the Asteroid Pants, the "they'll need a pretty big belt" joke refers to the asteroid belt.
  • The Dog's Milk Asteroid is a reference to the British sci-fi comedy Red Dwarf novel Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers, in which Dave Lister orders the ship's emergency backup milk supply (dog's milk, lasting longer than any other type of milk since nobody will drink it) to be flushed out into space, where it freezes into an asteroid.


  • The Giant Ball of Gray Goo may be a reference to an episode of Futurama in which a giant ball of garbage from the 21st century was found by Fry and set on a collision course with Earth.
    • Gray goo is a term from nanotech and science fiction parlance. It describes a doomsday scenario in which runaway self-replicating nanomachines completely consume a planet, or all life on a planet, in order to create more nanomachines. A ball of such goo might be both able to move through space under its own power and inclined to find more material to consume. Its approach would be quite ominous.
  • "Black Hole Sun" refers to the song "Black Hole Sun" by the grunge band Soundgarden. The line "That must be why there's no rain in space" is a reference to the lyrics of the song: "Black hole sun / Won't you come / And wash away the rain." The line "We took some video of it, but it was the freakiest thing anyone had ever seen," refers to the sentiment many people expressed about this song's then-groundbreaking music video -- with swarms of killer bees, black ooze, and shiny happy plastic people, it gave the willies to many a viewer.
  • "Compact-Round-Thing World" is a reference to the Discworld series of books by Terry Pratchett, which take place on a flat planet on the back of four elephants standing on the back of a giant turtle. The comment about it being prolific refers to the fact that so far the series contains 30 books, and Pratchett has written numerous others, including Good Omens (with Neil Gaiman), which is also referenced by the adventure text. The line about the underside being shiny with a hole in the middle refers to Pratchett's earlier novel Strata or more likely to a Compact Disc (Compact-Round-Thing), and the concept of a world supported by elephants on a turtle is an ancient Indian myth. Finally, the image is also named "Discwhirled.gif".
  • "Eddie in the space-time continuum" is a reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams. In the third book (Life, the Universe and Everything), a Chesterfield sofa materializes in the middle of a field on prehistoric Earth, to which Ford Prefect offers the explanation "eddies in the space time continuum", met by Arthur's reply, "And this is his sofa, is it?"
  • The chorus of the song "Eddie", from The Rocky Horror Picture Show contains the lyrics "When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy / You knew he was a no-good kid."
  • The Eluder is the spaceship of the cowardly alien Spathi from the computer game series Star Control. The comment about an unseen enemy may be a reference to the nebulous threat known as "The Ultimate Evil" feared by the Spathi. Star Control II is "a greatest game ever" as confirmed on the May 22, 2006 Jick and Skully show.
  • The Funk-Powered Space Train is a reference to the comic strip Fluble, where in one story the crew travels to a giant space cow on a funk-powered space train.
  • "Hail to the Space, Baby" is chock full of references:
    • It mentions Prussia and a fetus, a reference to Bashy's birthplace and famous hatred of fetus.
    • In 2001: A Space Odyssey a fetus in space is seen at the end.
    • The image for the space baby is titled "Ubermensch". The Übermensch ("overman" or "superman") is a concept from the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. The score of 2001: A Space Odyssey features part of Richard Strauss's symphonic poem "Also Sprach Zarathustra" (Thus Spake Zarathustra), which was inspired by Nietzsche's book of the same title.
    • "Mmmmmm... nope. I got nothin' " is a reference to the end the Sealab 2021 episode "Chickmate", which ends with a long pull out to a fetus floating in space for its commentary on the episode. Its commentary, of course, being "Mmmmmm... nope. I got nothin'." That line in itself is a reference to the many interpretations and explanations for why the occasionally coherent film ends on an inexplicable giant space baby.
    • The title is a reference to Army of Darkness, which features the line "Hail to the King, Baby". It could also be a reference to Duke Nukem who occasionally says "Hail to the King, Baby."
  • The insignificant little blue-green planet is none other than our planet Earth, described in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as "mostly harmless" and its inhabitants as being "so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea".
  • The Lovely Satellite is better known as the Satellite of Love from the cult television comedy series Mystery Science Theater 3000. The entire purpose of the satellite was to find a movie so bad it could be used as a weapon - which apparently worked just as planned on the unfortunate astronomer mentioned in the text.
    • One of the particularly bad movies featured on MST3K was the 1966 Coleman Francis film Red Zone Cuba (also known as Night Train to Mundo Fine), which features the closing quote: "Griffin ran all the way to Hell... with a penny and a broken cigarette."
    • The line "Maybe it was a terrible secret of space" in the description is a reference to the song "The Terrible Secret of Space" by The Laziest Men on Mars, whose name came from a line in a movie featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. The Terrible Secret of Space itself comes from
  • "Lucy" references the following:
  • "Major Tom" is a reference to the David Bowie song "Space Oddity", about an astronaut who purposefully loses contact with Earth. The lyrics referenced are "For here am I floating in my tin can, far above the world," and "I'm stepping through the door, and I'm floating in a most peculiar way," as well as a repeated phrase "Can you hear me, Major Tom?".
  • "Mmmm, Pie" includes references to the Pink Floyd song "Paranoid Eyes" ("The pie in the sky turned out to be miles too high"), which itself is utilizing the older idiom "pie in the sky." Mmmm, Pie is also the catchphrase of Weebl and Bob.
  • "Oh My God, They're Docking" features an illustration depicting the space stations from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Babylon 5. Both television shows premiered in 1993 and took place primarily on the title stations. A "crossover" is when characters or events from one series appear in another, unrelated series.
  • Omicron Persei VIII and its message are a reference to an episode of animated television show, Futurama, in which soap-opera-addicted aliens from that planet invade Earth, demanding to see the final episode of Single Female Lawyer, a parody of Ally McBeal, 1000 years after its finale was interrupted.
  • Planet Bollywood is a reference to the restaurant chain Planet Hollywood. It also refers to India's film industry, situated in Bombay and thus called Bollywood. The description refers to a typical scene in these movies, with everyone bursting into elaborate song-and-dance numbers for no apparent reason.
  • The "Sinister Dodecahedron" is a reference to the Borg from Star Trek, who search the galaxy in cube-and-spherical ships and "assimilate" other races by changing them into cyborgs like themselves (hence the clockwork), frequently using the phrase "Resistance is futile." The filename for the image (borg12.gif) is, obviously, also a Borg reference.
  • The "Sinister Dodecahedron" may also be a reference to the LucasArts game The Dig, in which an advanced race sent out scout ships which resembled crystalline dodecahedrons.
  • The "small moon" refers to the Death Star from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. While pursuing an enemy fighter, Luke Skywalker initially mistakes the Death Star for a moon, until Obi-Wan Kenobi realizes the error.
  • The "Space Bar" references:
    • The Steven Brust novel Cowboy Feng's Space Bar and Grill, which involves a space/time travelling bar which jumps from one planet to the next in an effort to stop those planets' destruction.
    • The silly role-playing game Tales from the Floating Vagabond, which centered around a bar floating in the center of the universe.
    • The space bar on a computer keyboard; it's shaped like one.
  • The "Space Cowboy" object references:
    • The Steve Miller song "The Joker", which features the lines "Some people call me the space cowboy. / Yeah! Some call me the gangster of love. / Some people call me Maurice, / Cause I speak of the pompatus of love."
    • The ending line, "See you, space cowboy," is the line that always closes the Anime series Cowboy Bebop.
    • The name "Malcolm" is likely a reference to Captain Malcolm Reynolds of the television series Firefly (and its spinoff movie, Serenity), which was billed as a combination of Sci Fi and Western genres. Captain Reynolds could certainly be considered to be a space cowboy.
    • The image references the British jazz band, Jamiroquai (which released a single titled "Space Cowboy"), particularly their lead singer with his iconic large hat.
  • The Spirit in the Sky refers to the song "Spirit in the Sky", originally performed by Norman Greenbaum.
  • The entire "Very Surprised-Looking Whale" adventure is also a reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In the book, two missiles turn into a very suprised sperm whale and a bowl of petunias when the infinite improbability drive is activated. The image name is "moby.gif", a reference to Moby Dick from the novel of the same name, who was also a sperm whale.
  • The Zinc Surfer is a reference to the Marvel Comics character Silver Surfer. The Silver Surfer was originally the herald of a planet-eating being called Galactus, but eventually quit his master's service.
  • The "nice place for a restaurant" comment about the End of the Universe is an reference to The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, the second book in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams. However, the titular Restaurant exists at the moment of the end of the Universe, not the physical location.
  • The Red Hole (aside from simply parodying a black hole) refers to the song "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones, with the lyrics "I see a red door and I want to paint it black". The text also refers to the phenomenon, as it depicts a red hole with "a giant hand on either side."

See Also