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KoL Player #18678
Member, The Protected
"Big brother" of SLCPunk

24 Ascensions and counting

Permanent Skills:


The Way of the Fists/Feet/Fingers/Forehead

The Goal: To complete a softcore ascension, up to defeating the Naughty Sorceress's first two forms, without ever wielding a weapon in combat.

Because it'd be fun.

The Plan: On Thursday, April 6, 2006 (Frankuary 1), I will start a softcore run as a Disco Bandit, under the sign of the Mongoose, on the Teetotaler path. I intend to eat (and drink as soon as I earn Stomach of Steel and drop the path) for Muscle substats. The reason I'm playing a Moxie class instead of a Muscle class is because I know it's going to take me longer to kill each individual monster, which means more chances for the monsters to hit me; I'd rather not get hit, and by hitching my level progression to Moxie instead of Muscle, it doesn't allow me into areas where monsters can hit me often. I'm eating for Muscle because, obviously, it governs both your to-hit and damage in melee, and without any weapons to do deal damage, I'll need all the Muscle I can get.

Obviously, there are points in the game where you must equip a weapon to progress. The first time is in the Mines, when you need to get ore for the trapzor. If I have access to my stash at that time, or if I have pulls to spare, I'll just skip the mines and pull ore out of my stash. A star weapon and the huge mirror shard are required to get through the Tower and to the Sorceress; this can't be helped, so I'll use the weapons at the required times and then get rid of them. Of course, you can't actually beat The Naughty Sorceress without a certain special weapon, but my goal is to beat the first two forms with my bare hands and gladly lose to the final form.

The Conduct:

  • No weapons. Before I ascend, I plan to dump all of my weapons into my display case. I'll do the same with any weapons I pick up during the run.
  • No Mr. Accessories. I own 3 of the things, and they've been a boon in my softcore runs thus far, but this run is supposed to be a challenge.
  • Off-hand Items are okay. I'm not actually hitting with them, and weapons tend to have better enchantments overall.
  • Hats, pants, shirts, and accessories are okay.
  • Combat Items are okay.
  • The only combat skills I'm using are Thrust-Smack and Lunging Thrust-Smack, since they depend on your melee weapon.
  • Buffs and potions are okay.

The Strategy:

  • Eat for Muscle. As stated above
  • Get the Stomach of Steel skill ASAP, then drop Teetotaler: food is almost always better than booze
  • Get out of Ronin ASAP
  • Bonus melee damage, and lots of it. The claws skills and Tenacity will be a big help to this, and I intend to get as much as I can.
  • Thrust-smack and lunging thrust-smack. 2x puny damage is better than puny damage by itself. Otherwise it's probably impossible to beat some of the bigger monsters in under the 30-round time limit.

Day 1

Current stats

(as of the end of the day)
Muscle: 39 (24) [4/49 xp]
Mysticality: 11 (8) [14/17 xp]
Moxie: 22 (16) [16/33 xp]

Current gear
green traffic cone
Cloaca-Cola shield
Cloaca-Cola fatigues
dirty hobo gloves
Baron von Ratsworth's monocle
ye olde golde frontes

tiny maracas

Day 2

Current stats

Muscle: 57 (37) [58/75 xp]
Mysticality: 25 (19) [36/39 xp]
Moxie: 38 (28) [52/57 xp]

Current gear
Cloaca-Cola helmet
clockwork trench coat
Cloaca-Cola shield
Cloaca-Cola fatigues
shiny ring
Baron von Ratsworth's monocle
ye olde golde frontes

tiny maracas

Day 3

  • Defeated the Goblin King.
  • Built a meatcar (from parts bought at the Knoll General Store) and took some vacations.
  • Won a rhinestone cowboy shirt from Distant Lands.
  • Reached level 7 and started cleaning out the Cyrpt, beating the Liches and Zombies just before the end of the day.
  • Worked 28 out of 33 real-world hours at work, and played KoL during my breaks, so my recall of details is a little fuzzy. No status update for Day 3.

Day 4

  • Finished cleaning out the Cyrpt. Pulled a potion of temporary gr8ness to make the fight with the Bonerdagon nice and simple.
  • Pulled a fez of etymology, which I'm finally stylish enough to wear.
  • Built a dingy dinghy and started adventuring in [[The Obligatory Pirate's Cove


  • Spent time in the Menagerie, grinding to level 8.
  • Visited the tr4pz0r when I hit level 8. He wants three chunks of chrome ore.
  • Adventured in the mines until I assembled a complete set of Mining Gear. Then I tossed it in my display case and pulled three chunks of chrome ore from storage.
  • Gave the ore to the tr4pz0r, and got a chrome crossbow. Dumped it into my case immediately.
  • Killed 37 goats with my bare hands to earn the 6 chunks of goat cheese the tr4pz0r wanted. Thanks goodness for blue snowcones.
  • The Northern Exposure skill let me bypass the tr1pz0r's quest for cold resistance, so it's off to The Icy Peak!
  • With my current equipment and stats, I can kill a Knott Yeti with two Thrust-Smacks. Not bad for not using a weapon.
  • Finally made it out of Ronin! Time to buy some buffs.
  • My Moxie has finally caught up to my Muscle, at 60 each.
  • Once I was out of adventures, I only had 66 Moxie. I got 6 gourd potions using my stash of spider webs (from when I went for the Gender Bender trophy) and got to 68 Moxie and level 9 using them.
  • I got the strange leaflet and cleaned it out. (The fireplace had the carved driftwood bird on it.)
Current stats

Muscle: 93 (66) [7/133 xp]
Mysticality: 54 (49) [38/99 xp]
Moxie: 114 (69) [72/139 xp]

Current gear
fez of etymology
rhinestone cowboy shirt
flaming talons
penguin shorts
badass belt
Sneaky Pete's breath spray
ye olde golde frontes
tiny maracas
Current effects
Sharp Weapon (50)
Seal Clubbing Frenzy (255)
Disco State of Mind (234)
Butt-Rock Hair (319)
Empathy (1506)
Tenacity of the Snapper (564)
Moxious Madrigal (1138)
Jackasses' Symphony of Destruction (237)
Ode to Booze (15)

Engorged Weapon (50)

Day 5

So. One adventure left, and I am facing down The Naughty Sorceress herself.

Current stats

Muscle: 84 [119/169 xp]
Mysticality: 74 [142/149 xp]
Moxie: 105 [58/221 xp]

Current gear


Now to give the Sorceress the Cola Taste Test: Does she prefer Cloaca grenades, or Dyspepsi grenades? Let's find out!

vs. the Naughty Sorceress

Cloaca: FAILED
Dyspepsi: PASSED! 52 damage!

Cloaca: FAILED
Dyspepsi: FAILED

Cloaca: FAILED
Dyspepsi: FAILED

Cloaca: PASSED! 50 damage!
Dyspepsi: FAILED

Cloaca: FAILED
Dyspepsi: PASSED! 58 damage!

Cloaca: PASSED! 52 damage!
Dyspepsi: FAILED

And the Sorceress falls down!

vs. the Naughty Whateverthehellshe'sturnedinto

Cloaca: FAILED
Dyspepsi: PASSED! 59 damage!

Cloaca: FAILED
Dyspepsi: PASSED! 55 damage!

Cloaca: PASSED! 57 damage!
Dyspepsi: PASSED! 58 damage!

The 2nd Form of the Sorceress is down! And I have 31/87 hit points left!
Of course, the third form will kill me instantly, since I don't have the Wand of Nagamar equipped. But I expected that.

"Dang it!" you shout. "How many times do I have to kill you? This battle has taken over a half an hour and there's no save point!"
"Ha! You will never defeat me!" The Sorceress cackles. There is a muffled *POP* and a slightly greasy smell as the apparition vanishes and is replaced by a nasty-looking floating sausage.

The sausage emits a DEADLY SPICE CLOUD. Usually, the spice is the life, but in this case it's the opposite. You wave your weapon in front of you, but can't seem to summon any magic from it. As you inhale the choking cloud of spices, you futilely wish you had a way to change the situation. You hack and cough your way to the edge of the tower and plummet to the ground irpse over tap. Er, arse over tip. Eek! Ow! Ow! Oof! Eek! Ooh! Ouch! Ow! Ooh! Ouch!
You lose 105,409 hit points.

Ah well, good game. Tomorrow I'll beat her up while nekkid, again. Then I'll take on Felonia, since I still have that quest to do.