Talk to the Deep Fat Friars

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This portion of the Deep Fat Friars only shows up while trying to complete the Deep Fat Friars' Gate Quest.

On your first visit, the Friars tell you the following:

Please, Adventurer, help us! We were performing a ritual at our Infernal Gate, and Brother Starfish dropped the butterknife. All of the infernal creatures escaped our grasp, and have tainted our grove. Please clean the taint! Collect the three items necessary to perform the ritual which will banish these fiends back to their own realm.

The first item can probably be found in The Dark Neck of the Woods.

The second item was last seen in The Dark Heart of the Woods.

The third item was stolen near The Dark Elbow of the Woods.

On your first visit as Actually Ed the Undying:

In the midst of the grove, you encounter three men in brown robes and funny haircuts, who are conversing in hushed and worried tones. One of them notices you as you approach, and raises his arms in supplication. "Another adventurer!" he says. "Perhaps our prayers have been answered! …Again!" "Uh, well, I… Okay, sure. I'm an adventurer," you say. "What's up?"

"Well, to make a long story short, we had an accident with a ritual that released infernal monsters into our grove. A passing adventurer helped us perform a ritual to get rid of them, but the Infernal Gate itself wasn't actually closed, so more of them have wandered out."

"I see. So you want my help fixing this?"

"Yes, please! We know where the second ritual went wrong now, so if we can just perform it again, we should be able to close the Gate for good. The three items we need should be in the Dark Heart, Dark Neck, and Dark Elbow of the Woods nearby."

"All right," you shrug. "I'll see what I can do."

If you return after you have found all three items:

You've got all three of the ritual items, Adventurer! Hurry to the center of the circle, and perform the ritual!

When you go to The Deep Fat Friars' Gate without the three items:

You don't appear to have all of the elements necessary to perform the ritual.

When you take the three items to The Deep Fat Friars' Gate:

You place the dodecagram on the ground at the center of the circle of stones.

You light the box of candles and place them in a circle.

You wave your eldritch butterknife to and fro.

The infernal creatures who have tainted the Friar's[sic] copse stream back into the gate, hooting and shrieking.

The Friars approach you:

"Thank you, adventurer! Truly you are a master of cleansing the taint. We'll be sure and let the Council know that you've made good on their promise of help.

You might be interested to know that Brother Marx has been trying to figure out where in the Hey Deze all of these creatures came from. He checked out several tomes of arcane knowledge from the local library (you know, the one across the street from the Sleazy Back Alley) and pored through them until he found the solution. If only he had pored a bit more quickly, we wouldn't owe the library thousands of Meat in fines.

Anyway, Brother Marx discovered that we opened our portal directly above Hey Deze's biggest city, Pandamonium. It was recently named #1 on Hey Deze Weekly's 'Best Places to Be Eternally Damned' list. All of the downwardly-mobile imps and demons live there, including Azazel, one of the ArchDukes of Hey Deze.

Incidentally, one of the L Imps dropped a copy of Hey Deze Weekly as he was leaving. The lead story says that Azazel is missing some vitally important personal possessions. Somebody probably stole them -- that's one of the hazards of living among creatures of pure evil, you know. The article says he's offering a reward for their return. It's up to you if you want to get involved; we're going to stay the Hey Deze away from this gate from now on.

Oh, and listen. Don't be a stranger -- drop by and visit us, and maybe get a blessing. We're good at blessings."

When you take the three items to The Deep Fat Friars' Gate as Actually Ed the Undying:

At the monks' direction, you place the dodecagram on the ground near the Infernal Gate, surround it with candles, and wave the butterknife in the air. As the monks perform some weird chant, the various demons stream back into the Gate, hooting and wailing. The chant reaches a crescendo, and the Gate closes with a loud "ZZZZZZZZZIP!" sound. "Well, that was interesting," you say. "Thanks for the new experience."

"Oh no, thank you!" one of the monks says, as they bow deeply to you. "Please return to us if there's ever anything we can do for you in return. We're good at blessings, for instance. Or, now that we have better control over the Gate, I think we could release creatures from it singly, in a controlled fashion. If you wanted to fight one for some reason."

"Hmm, okay," you say. "I might take you up on that later. What I need right now, though, is information."


"The adventurer you mentioned before -- the one who helped you with your ritual. Was it <player name>?"

"Why yes, I do believe that was him?"

"Yeah, I, uh… The Council sent me to deliver a message to him."

"I see! Well, I wish I could be more help in that regard. He walked off into the forest, and didn't tell us where he was heading."

"Rats. Okay, well, thanks anyway."